


Ashes to Embers

by AnnoyDestroyGoodBoy



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angry Eren but what's new, Angry Jean, Anime, Armin Arlert - Freeform, Bertolt Hoover - Freeform, Character Death, Connie Springer - Freeform, Eren x Reader - Freeform, Erwin Smith - Freeform, Eventual Lemon, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hanji Zoe - Freeform, Jealousy, Jean x Reader x Eren, Levi Ackerman - Freeform, Marco Bodt - Freeform, Marco Bott x Reader, Marco deserved better, Mutual Pining, Pining, Rivalry, Sasha Braus - Freeform, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, Violence, Ymir Fritz - Freeform, attack on titan - Freeform, historia reiss - Freeform, jean x reader, krista lenz - Freeform, lots of fluff, mikasa ackerman - Freeform, reiner braun - Freeform, shingeki no kyojin - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-28
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-14 18:01:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 57,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29050338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnnoyDestroyGoodBoy/pseuds/AnnoyDestroyGoodBoy
Summary: You've been hesitant for years about getting too close when you could lose someone so easily living the life of a soldier. It had happened before. Now, in this ever-changing world, you're free from your shackles of heartbreak looking to take the next step in life.But you have to choose carefully.As your feelings evolve into something more than you had ever imagined, things get out of hand and you need to tread delicately. One wrong decision could easily become disastrous, putting several lives on the line yet again, costing you more than a broken heart.Will you make the right choice or will you lose more than you could ever imagine?
Relationships: Eren Yeager/Reader, Jean Kirstein/Eren Yeager/Reader, Jean Kirstein/Reader, Marco Bott/Reader
Comments: 54
Kudos: 181





	1. Watchdog

The first time you had ever felt freedom in your world of restriction was sitting beneath the shimmering stars in the summer sky. All your life, you had lived behind walls, whether real or metaphorical. People caged you in, trying to shape you into something you didn't want to be. You desired so much more than your parent's simple-minded idea of living life without knowing, passing each day just to see the next. So once you were of age, you had broken free of the standards set for you and enlisted in the cadets to become a soldier to spend your life doing something worthwhile, something that would make a difference.

It was toward the tail end of your second year as a cadet and the sky was blooming into a beautiful purple-toned twilight. The bell outside the dining hall was tolling and the sound echoed across the grounds, signaling the end of dinner. People were rising from their seats and stacking their trays, talking to their friends about evening plans. The hall was steadily clearing out with you, your boyfriend Marco, and your closest friend Jean among the crowd. Bodies jostled the three of you together and the conversations of a hundred soldiers rang through the yard. Just about everyone was in high spirits from the day off you all spent roaming the nearby town.

Jean was dragging his boots through the coarse dirt and Marco tilted his head to both sides to see each of you in turn.

"Hey, do you two feel up to heading down to the lake to hang out?" He swiped at his shining forehead dramatically. "I'm about to die of heat exhaustion out here!"

The sun had been beating down on you all day and having to wear your full uniform didn't help.

Jean turned his head toward him with a smirk playing on his lips. "Are you sure you aren't just looking for an excuse to see (Name) in a bikini?"

You laughed as a crimson blush blossomed over Marco's freckles. He sputtered an excuse at Jean while he threw his head back in laughter as well.

"Whatever you say, but yeah, I'm down. Impressing the lady with my cannonball skills sounds pretty good right about now," he answered with an overly playful wink in your direction.

You swatted his arm in disgust and clung to Marco who was shaking his head and holding you closer.

Before you had a chance to retort, another voice from somewhere behind you cut you off.

"Bet I could beat you at that as well, Horseface!"

The three of you turned around to see Eren with a cocky flash in his green eyes striding up to you with a bashful Armin in tow.

"Why don't we make that a bet, Jaeger?" challenged Jean.

"Oh my god, you two. How do you still have enough energy to fight? You're so petty, and that's coming from a girl." You rolled your eyes. "Anyway, let's get down to the shore before someone beats us to the good spot."

"You coming?" Marco offered, turning to face the boys with a dimpled smile.

Eren set a hand on his hip, listing his head to look at up Jean. "Of course, would never miss out on an opportunity to see this idiot fail."

The five of you strolled down the trail between the pine trees swaying in the warm summer breeze after changing into your swimwear in your separate dorms. Armin had gathered an armful of glass bottles of soda to take with you as well. Jean and Eren took the lead, too preoccupied in an argument over cannonball techniques (followed by some violent looking hand gestures) to pay attention to the rest of you. Hand in hand with Marco, you two shared a polite conversation with Armin. You were glad he had come along even though he was usually one to stay indoors on his own, he had come a long way from when you first met him. You were also grateful that Marco took the time to make him feel included and at ease, he was always so thoughtful when it came to helping others.

They were currently talking about the outside world and what they imagined lied behind the ancient walls. You were still busy thinking about what a sweetheart Marco was, so when there was a pause in the conversation, you had grinned up at him and gave his warm hand a squeeze. The look he gave you in return was one you could never forget. His big, soft brown doe eyes smiled at you along with his lips. The gentle breeze was sweeping his parted hair off his forehead and the remaining daylight behind him made him look purely angelic. Happiness was written all over his face.

Damn. How you managed to get the cutest boy in the Cadet Corps, you did not know.

In front of you, Eren was kicking pebbles over the steep edge of the ridge you were all making your way down. Silence had eventually fallen over the group as the noise of crickets began to rise in volume. You took in the woods on your left. They were a muted green, which was a beautiful contrast to the deep blue hue of the lake you had arrived at. You had always been the type to appreciate the beauty of nature since your old life was in the heart of a bustling city. Sitting on a rock, you breathed in the freshness of the pine trees as the boys began to set up.

It gradually became darker and as it turned out later on, Eren actually couldn't beat Jean on that bet. It took you and Armin awhile to get him to not be a butthurt sore loser and to stop calling Jean a "fatass one-trick pony", but eventually he started laughing and kidding around with the rest of you in the cool turquoise water.

For the rest of that evening and into the night, your group camped out there on the lush grassy shore over a bonfire. You stretched your legs, letting the flames warm your chilly body and your hair was beginning to dry from the heat. Jean had dunked you under the water (despite your _many_ threats) so therefore you were drenched from head to toe. Not that you didn't return the favor, though. And Eren _totally_ didn't join in, pressing on top of your own hands to keep him under. Marco howled with laugher when a steady stream of Jean's bubbled protests rose to the surface and popped.

Illuminated by the orange glow of the fire, you all swapped childhood stories, had discussions and disputes, which had everyone practically in hysterics.

Armin spilled that he knew how to dance ballet. Someone asked if he had the tutu and shoes as a joke, but it turned out he actually did. Eren spit his drink into the fire.

At one point, you and Marco snuck off to grab snacks for everyone and had a little private time away in the dark cover of the forest on the way back to the others. A stolen moment on a perfect day. You'll never forget how sweetly he kissed you that night, his dark head bending down to meet your smiling lips. Your stomach flipped at the memory of how that sweetness turned into an intense hunger. Eager mouths wanting more and more from each other to the point where he had your smaller back pressed against a tree.

That night was one of the happiest moments of your life by far. Sitting under the spinning constellations with your friends simply enjoying life. At that moment, there was no impending doom; only freedom. All was at peace.

~~

But now things would be different. Now you would have to choose your new regiment in a day's time, you reminded yourself frowning slightly. Everybody would be going their separate ways, making your fond memory bittersweet.

Not to mention, the city of Trost had just been attacked a mere two days ago. The Colossal Titan had reappeared after five years and bashed open the outer gate. You and hundreds of rookie soldiers had been in the city during the siege, forcing you into your role as a real soldier and putting you straight to work. Countless lives had been taken that day and the deaths you had witnessed replayed behind your closed eyelids. Cables being snatched out of midair by hands the size of carriages, bodies being decapitated, and heads being spat out. You snapped your eyes open in an attempt to forget.

The Battle of Trost was a confusing day as well, to say the least. Eren had been devoured along with the others according to Armin's recollection when you retook military headquarters from the titans. The blow hit you hard. Eren? The boy who had the resolve to take on the world and kill every last titan? No way you would believe that no matter what Armin's haunted blue eyes saw. You felt that he would live just to spite God. And somehow you were right. You and your fellow comrades witnessed the boy who was pronounced dead emerge from a 15-meter titan, the very one who had taken down a dozen more with just his fists. After the battle, you and a few others had gone and managed to find his arm buried under terracotta tiles on a roof somewhere.

You were too exhausted to think and the phenomenon for too long, besides, you had work to do. Sitting with your head resting on your palm, you lazily blew a stray strand of hair from your face. The government put everybody to work immediately, expecting you to function after running on pure adrenalin and terror. You and the others barely got in a few hours of sleep on the rare occasion they let you have a break. The fatigue was finally catching up to you, but you just had to finish this last assignment before you could go home the day after tomorrow.

Being as tired as you were, you couldn't even begin to dwell on if your friends were alright. You had already been agonizing over the thought in the days past. They didn't even allow you to see your comrades since it would disrupt progress. The last time you saw Marco and several of the others was at HQ after resupplying your gas tanks. He had given you a quick embrace and peck on the lips, making you promise him you would stay safe. Before you could ask the same of him, he was already zipping to a different rooftop, leaving your words hanging in the air.

You knew the rest of the worries would come after you finished working.  
  
The creaky wooden chair you were sitting on was uncomfortable beneath you and the scratching of pens around you made you unable to focus on filling out your paperwork. The small group of you were gathered in the dingy and dank mess hall of the city's military headquarters tasked with recording the names of the brave soldiers you had lost in battle, along with the ones that were MIA. Helpers from nearby hospitals were going around the city gathering information on the deceased and bringing back the clipboards for you to document. Unfortunately, there were far more missing soldiers that weren't accounted for than bodies recovered, which made your job all the more difficult.

 _Better than being outside trying to identify all those disfigured corpses,_ you thought to yourself.

Not like the assignment you had was much better, however. Every now and then, a member of your team would come across a name they recognized and would break down into hysterics while the rest of you worked in silence. You observed some people staring at one spot of their paper, not taking in a word. Many looked exhausted, while others had disturbed expressions.

The still atmosphere of the mess hall was interrupted by the door flying open, metal handle clanging against the ancient stone wall.

"(Name)!" a voice cried out, stirring you out of your drowsy state.

Heads turned and your eyes swiveled from the sheet of paper with your messy scrawl to the owner of the voice who was doubled over with hands on his knees trying to catch his breath. 

"Jean?" you asked, more than a little bit confused. You were immensely relieved to see he was alive but too weary running on less than 3 hours of sleep in the last several days to fully appreciate the fact. That and you were almost done with your assignment and didn't want anybody interfering. 

"Oi cadet! Just what the hell do you think you're doing here?" The officer in charge of your group demanded, striding angrily toward Jean with a scowl on his rigid features. "Where's your commanding offi-"

He was cut off by Jean shoving him aside and heading towards you. His gloved hands were shaking and you could only see half of his face, the rest was obscured by a white bandana tied around his mouth and nose, therefore you couldn't fully read his expression. But the tormented look in his amber eyes practically told you everything you needed to know. You knew something was seriously wrong as you stood up to meet him. He took off his left glove and grabbed your arm, briskly leading you to the door. The two of you booked it out of HQ, ignoring the protesting shouts of your assigned officer. You couldn't even begin thinking of the consequences he would have in store for you later, all you had in mind was the tremendously high number of things that could've possibly gone wrong. 

Jean was still gripping your forearm as he dragged you around a corner, so you slipped your hand upwards to take his in an effort to comfort him. You were doing it to comfort yourself just as much, though you would never admit it. His hand tightened in your grasp as you turned to him, finally able to speak.

"What's wrong?"

No answer.

"Jean?"

Silence. A horrible thought occurred to you.

"Where's Marco?"

Panic rose to your chest.

 _"Where is Marco?"_ you asked again, hating that your voice shook with each word.

Your mind automatically went to the worst place it could possibly go. This wasn't the first time it crossed your consciousness; of course it had before. From the moment you started caring about the dark-haired boy from Jinae, hell for that matter anyone you befriended during your cadet years, _the thought_ was a constant in your nightmares.

And Jean's silence made it all the worse.

You were starting to get desperately distressed, yanking at Jean's white-knuckled grasp and begging him to tell you what the hell happened as he led you further into Trost's inner city. You passed destroyed shops and stalls and had to jump over portions of splintered wood and crumbled buildings. All he did was stare straight ahead for several painstaking minutes. Finally, you turned one final corner and came to a stop at the outside of a small shop.

The smell hit you before anything else.

Your eyes widened and your heart gave a painful pang in your chest.

There was a body.

Your hand dropped Jean's, leaving his dangling helplessly at his side.

A body with unmistakable short-cropped black hair and freckles splattered across his button nose.

Not that the freckles were the only thing splattered there.

_No..._

You didn't even register your knees hitting the blood slicked cobblestones. 

"This isn't him." Your voice wobbled.

This mutilated carnage of a human being surely wasn't your boyfriend. Your haunted eyes took in the remaining half of the boy's body, settling on the festering missing right side where flies had started to buzz around. Black blood was caked and scabbed to nearly every bit of him and pooled in the street around him. His entrails snaked out from underneath broken bones and bright pink torn muscle.

It was the most horrific and gut-churning thing you had ever laid eyes on. You were on the verge of vomiting, but you couldn't tear your gaze away. You knew this image would be burned into your memory for the rest of your life.

"This isn't- there's no way-" You said a little too loudly in the empty street.

You heard a hushed voice at your back but couldn't force yourself to turn away.

"I _wondered_ where he was.."

Jean stood stony behind you, back straight as a rod, eyes aimed at your helpless form. Never wavering to look at his other best friend.

Suddenly, an eerie calmness fell over you. Your eyebrows raised in astonishment and your mouth was wide.

"He's out on wall cleanup duty just like you, isn't he?" you asked in a hushed tone.

Your mind conjured up the image of Marco roaming an assigned section of the wall, helping haul the remaining destruction away. He was probably nearby as well, maybe even just a block away. You were sure he was still out there somewhere, still giving people his dimpled smiles despite the lack of sleep the past several days. You would be reunited with him tonight when everybody had completed their tasks and strong arms would wrap around you once more, hugging you to his complete body. You would try to kiss his freckles one by one which always made him laugh. The two of you would go home and enlist in the Military Police in less than 24 hours, just as you had been envisioning for the past three years. And as long as he was alive and breathing, things were going to be okay.

Your back was to him so you couldn't see his gold eyes fully open in bewilderment at your denial, so you continued to speak.

_This is one of his fucking jokes, isn't it?_

You measured your words carefully. "You're... lying to me."

A stunned silence took control of your comrade. You slowly turned around, tearing your gaze from this unfamiliar corpse, to look at him.

Jean was more alarmed by the words you were saying than the knowing smile spreading across your face. It seemed as though you were silently grinning at a joke he wasn't a part of. Something inside him snapped, but he knew he couldn't be rash. You were clearly contradicting his death as a way of coping. But he knew the longer you stayed that way, the more you would lose of yourself over time. And he wouldn't let you become a slave to denial.

He learned that lesson the hard way.

Grabbing you firmly by the shoulders, he stared into the depths of your being. He tried to convey the message with his eyes, which were still wide but held steady emotion.

"Look around you," he said evenly. "You know what you just saw. Deep down you know it's true. I have not seen Marco in days and neither has anybody else, trust me, I asked!" his voice wavered on the last sentence.

Gloves clammy against you, he turned your body back to face the remains strewn across the ground.

You refused to look, twisting your head to look at him over your shoulder instead. "Jean, he could be a titan just like-"

"Look at it," he murmured, quieter this time. "He's got all the same features and Marco hasn't been seen for days. Snap out of it, (Name)."

There was more silence as he let the words seep into your tormented brain. He shook you slightly and the corners of your mouth faltered. The boy composed himself once more, gulped, and plowed forward with the truth.

"Marco is dead." The grin was gone just as fast as it appeared. His face inched closer to your own.

"You know."

And with those words, the temporary fog in your mind lifted and you were brought back down to this cold, cruel world.

Your eyes cleared and you gave a gasping sob. He knew he got through to you.

The world felt as if it were in slow motion and your chest constricted painfully with each heave. Sharp pebbles dug into the flesh of your tender palms when you crumbled to the street and you didn't realize the grief-filled noises were falling from your own lips.

Approaching footsteps caught both of your attention as you saw a doctor or nurse or whatever the hell she was draw nearer. The gray-haired woman spoke, but you didn't take in a word she said. Jean stood up to take care of it, leaving you to mourn on your own. You forced yourself to face the boy you loved half laying half sitting, rotting against the wall, arm resting peacefully over his hollow, exposed stomach. One look at him you knew it was true.

You weren't sure how you didn't see it before.

The conversation happening above you was nothing but white noise in your ears. You reached out and placed your quivering hand over the place you used to lay your head to feel his strong and sure heartbeat. His tan jacket was still there but torn nearly to shreds by monstrous teeth. 

It was a mistake. Your trembling fingertips were met with nothing but a still body; the kindest heart had grown silent.

Your eyes were blurry and your throat burned from withheld tears. You tried not to imagine how long he had been here like this. All this time while you were alive and breathing.

 _I should've made him promise,_ you thought suddenly, nearly choking on your realization.

This was the day you truly came to the realization of what an evil world it is. For the universe to take away such a pure, kindhearted person but leave you, a bitter shell of a human, living.

Smog filled the sky, painting your world a murky, gloomy gray. It swirled around overhead casting moving shadows over the hard cobblestones beneath you. The streets were full of oily grime and carnage of war. Around you, the city was still falling apart. A street away, a roof collapsed into itself; mimicking how you were feeling at that very moment.

You weren't sure how long you had been kneeling there in the massacre, but you knew the woman had left some time ago after writing down the information he had given her. No doubt she was on her way back to your previous post, bearing the records of one more dead for the others to tally up.

There were no tears, there was no one rushing around begging for help. All that was left was vast emptiness all throughout your entire being. You were completely devoid of any emotion whatsoever as you stared into the vacant brown eyes that were once so warm, but were now lacking such warmth. Like a candle that had been snuffed out in the dead of night, leaving nothing but coldness in its wake.

The feelings must've left along with the raw sobs that wracked your body moments ago.

A hand rested on your shoulder, gentler this time, but you still shuddered as if somebody walked over your grave. You took that as your cue to stand up.

It was time to leave.

You felt his eyes on you, but you couldn't bring yourself to meet them. You were worried about what might find in them.

Your friend began to turn and slowly walk back the way you came, arm falling from its place on your shoulder, leaving you more exposed than ever. Lips unable to form all the unspoken things you wanted to say, you stood and took a tentative step backward and followed.

Red stained your knees where glass shards from the store window had embedded themselves and the sound of your boots echoed off the nearby buildings, reverberating through the not quite empty alleyway.

Just as you went to turn to the next street, the two of you took one final glance at the crumpled and mangled soldier that meant the world to the both of you. The one who meant so much that neither of you could ever possibly put it into words.

His head was tilted slightly to the side, as if in question why you were leaving him all alone.

You asked yourself the same thing and couldn't answer that question even if you tried. Wiping your love's blood off of your hands as if it were the memories themselves, you followed Jean down the narrow path.

His ashen face hollowed into unyielding determination and his eyes flashed dangerously, vowing vengeance.

"Somebody knows what happened."

~~

As the sun eventually sunk behind the towering walls, you and your comrades gathered in the city square where everybody paid their final respects and tributes to the victims of the attack. Thick black smoke joined the smog in the sky, blocking out anything else. Flames licked at the hot, hard to breathe air. Silence had settled among the small group of you that remained in the courtyard.

Others had already left, but you couldn't bring yourself to move away. Anger flared inside of you at those who had abandoned the rest of you. _How disrespectful,_ you thought with revulsion.

You knew Jean was struggling to hold it together next to you, which was quite the contrast to yourself. Knowing the tears would come later, you stood stoic and virtually emotionless as the smoke fumes threatened to make your eyes water. Every single aching gash and bruise from the previous battle was brought to your attention as you were standing there, but it paled in comparison to the battle raging inside your head.

At some point, his hand had found yours and you gave it a squeeze to remind him he still had you. His intertwined fingers trembled, nervously anticipating what was about to proceed.

He took a deep, steadying breath.

"Hey uh, guys?" You inclined your head as Jean began to speak with an odd look crossing his features.

You knew what was coming next, so you didn't gasp along with the others at the sudden news. He had discussed his major change of course with you earlier on the way back to HQ. 

Jean Kirschtein was planning on joining the Scouts.

You, Marco, and Jean had planned from the time you were new recruits to be part of the Military Police branch. Jean for a cushy comfortable life in the interior and Marco to serve the noble king and do some good within the walls.

 _All he ever wanted was to make this hell a better place_ you gulped, holding back your emotion. But your own reason, however, you weren't entirely sure. Let's just say you wanted to stay alive. And to you, that was always the logical decision. Until now.

_"Are you really sure this is what you want?" you had asked him._

_He gave you a long careful look._

_"Listen, you can't tell that bastard I said this, but Jaeger's little rant really lit a fire under my ass. And I feel it wasn't just me that felt that way. Someone's gotta fight to take back what's ours. We can't- I can't- live a life cowering in the safety of these godforsaken walls like some dog with its tail between its legs. We can't live all pent up like this. I was made for more than the corrupt MP lifestyle. I've gotta join the fight," he growled._

_Something new was flashing behind his sharp eyes._

_His response shocked you. The first words you ever heard from him back in the day were about joining the MPs. First, during introductions with Keith Shadis, the second time loud-mouthing back to Eren's first suicidal tirade at dinner the same day. Now he was agreeing with him?_

_At the same time, he impressed you. This was a bold move, even for him. You knew even though he flew off the handle sometimes, your friend could be a calculating person when it came right down to it; not to mention a terrific leader. He had given this major thought and you knew it wasn't a decision made lightly._

_You met his amber gaze and gave him what you hoped was a determined stare. "Looks like I'm going to be a Scout as well."_

_Oh Maria._

~~

You were one of the last few that left the fire. Even though your lungs were inhaling the putrid smell of charred flesh, you stayed side by side with Jean for however long it took you both to say goodbye.

Even though you knew deep down the grieving would continue for the rest of your days.

In addition to Marco, you also discovered that a couple of your roommates had been killed during the attack. Mina Carolina and Hannah Diamant's deaths had been witnessed. Based on Armin's account which he had fully explained later on, a titan had grabbed her ODM gear, sending her plummeting into a wall where it then devoured her. As for Hannah, Armin had seen her attempting to revive a deceased Franz. He lost track of her but Daz picked up on his story adding that he had seen her crushed to a pulp under a 15-meter's foot.

Hearing their retelling of the girl's deaths intensified your heartbreak. You knew Mina the best out of the two and she was an outgoing girl who loved people. They both had their whole lives ahead of them, but they had been extinguished in a heartbeat. The loss of more gentle souls was becoming too much to bear and it only solidified your decision to join the Scouts.

Once the flames began to turn into glowing embers, you immediately made your way straight to the locker room, needing to wash off the remnants of this all-around shitty day. Walking deeper into the dark military headquarters, you gulped down breaths of fresher air. Though still musty, it helped cool you down immensely.

To your displeasure, the showers were completely open and exposed. You snorted in disgust. Even back in your cadet locker room, there were dividers to provide at least a tiny bit of privacy.

You took your time since the shower was nearly empty, putting off the inevitable restless night a little longer. Letting the soapy suds run over your body and down your shoulders gave you a small sense of tranquility, and the water was warm which made up for the lack of seclusion.

Every injury on your body was stinging from the steaming water but you ignored the pain. Your knees were still stained with the blood you had kneeled in previously, yet another reminder of him. You attempted to rub it off, but by now it was brown and dried. You scrubbed off the remaining blood, dirt, and grime covering your skin then moved onto massaging your scalp with your favorite green apple shampoo you brought with you. Taking a deep breath in, the smell reminded you of your home before you were a soldier. You had been using it since you were a child and stopped to buy it whenever you were able at the market on your days off. Just to have a small comfort in the rough environment where alleviation was hard to come by. 

Eventually, you toweled off and changed into your nightclothes. The smooth cotton soothed your damaged skin as you strolled down the hall to your assigned room.

"(Name)!"

_Not this again, you internally grumbled._

You turned to see Sasha bouncing up to you, ponytail bobbing up and down behind her. Obviously, she didn't know what happened and you weren't about to tell her.

"Where have you been? You missed dinner and everyth-" her words were cut off once she took in your serious and slightly miserable face.

"Hey wait what happened? Are you okay?"

Turning on your heel again, you resumed your way to your room. You simply shook your head.

"I really don't feel up to talking about it, I'm sorry," you murmured, still trying to be polite as she hastily followed you.

You pushed the door open and entered, setting your small bag of toiletries down on your bed.

"Alright, well you know I'm always here if you need a buddy, just right here actually," she smiled meekly and pointed to the bunk above yours with both thumbs.

You tried to smile back as she pulled you into a quick hug and said goodnight.

"Glad you're alive, (Name)." Her bright brown eyes shone in the dim room.

Not even two minutes later the girl was out cold.

Out of your two other current roommates, Sasha was always the first one to fall asleep. A food coma, Ymir called it. Your third roommate was Krista, in the bunk above Ymir who insisted on her taking the top for "protection from the ravaging boys of the 104th cadet corps". She meant Reiner.

 _Those two must be showering by now._ You glanced over at their empty beds and buried yourself under your layers of blankets. There under your cocoon of sheets, you counted the minutes until they returned as a way to hold yourself together.

You heard them enter not long after. They exchanged a few words before calling it a night, leaving the room completely silent, except for Sasha's heavy snores above you.

Hours had dragged by and there you were still awake in your tiny bed. Everyone else had been out for a long time by then while you were trying to quiet your deafening thoughts. The tears had begun to flow over two hours ago and you were doing your best to stifle the heartbroken sobs that wracked your whole body. They left warm, salty trails from your eyes to your ears. The fact that your boyfriend of three years was gone just like that hit you like a bullet as you flipped over and laid there with your head buried in your pillow.

Lying facedown, you wondered how much pain he went through in his final moments. _Was he already crushed in gigantic hands before it devoured him? Or was his suffering prolonged by being alive when the titan sunk its teeth into his ribcage...?_ You gave a gasping sob. It was too much for you to even imagine. You had finally fallen apart.

You couldn't handle this alone.

Somehow the universe noticed and you heard the door creak open.

Lifting your head slightly, you saw a shadow cut across the sliver of luminescent moonlight on the wooden floor and begin to move closer to you.

Until it bumped into something.

"Shit." The shadow seethed.

"Jean," you whispered, trying to keep the volume down. "Why are you... wait, you aren't supposed to be in our room, you're a boy-"

"I'm aware," he cut you off and knelt at your bedside.

His eyes took their time searching yours and you were secretly thankful when he didn't ask if you were okay. You absolutely hated that question lately. And you were certain he already knew the answer.

You rose to your elbow and gazed back at him with your puffy eyes. "Couldn't sleep either?"

He shook his head and continued observing your face.

The silence stretched on.

You couldn't help but feel a little self-conscious about the state he caught you in. Not that it was the first time he saw you cry by any means, but you still felt slightly insecure.

Choosing to distract yourself from that fact, you took him in instead. He was wearing blue pajamas that were a bit snug in the shoulders and you noticed his golden eyes were red around the edges, letting you know you weren't the only one who had been crying.

"Scoot."

Always so blunt, this one.

"Tch,"

You obeyed, scooting to the wall to make room in your already small bed. As he lifted the covers to join you, there was movement coming from Ymir's bunk making Jean stop in his tracks, looking like a deer caught in headlights.

Luckily she was just rolling over, you weren't sure she would ever let you two live that down if she saw him crawling into bed with you.

He finally settled in (a little noisily you might add, Jean never was a quiet one in any aspect) and laid facing you. If he noticed your damp pillow he didn't say anything.

It definitely caught you off guard when you felt his warm hands encircle your waist, holding you close to his taut body. The two of you were undoubtedly comfortable with each other from being friends for so long, but you had to admit you'd never been _this_ close to him.

And you knew he was a natural flirt, but you could tell that wasn't what this was. Your trio went down to a duo the day Trost fell and you were providing consolation for each other.

That's why you didn't hesitate to wrap your arms around his neck and brush his black undercut with the side of your thumb. You had secretly always wanted to feel it. He closed his eyes and leaned into your touch ever so slightly and you realized it had probably been a long time since he had been touched so gently, if ever.

His nose was just a few centimeters from your own and you could feel his soft, warm breath on your lips. Your own breath hitched and you couldn't help but realize just how intimate this embrace was. Even if you wanted to, you couldn't escape. His larger body prevented any possible way out, trapping you between the old peeling wall and himself.

At that moment, the two of you felt a sudden peacefulness fall over you in each other's presence. Becoming friends with his hotheaded ass was probably one of the best decisions you could've ever made, you thought. You stole a glance at him and to your surprise, he looked completely relaxed.

He chose that moment of course to open his eyes and they glinted silver in the moonlight. When he caught you staring at him, he gave you a sideways smirk and hugged you to his chest.

You realized Jean was your wall now, blocking out past and present demons. He took on the role of being your protector from that day forth. And when he brought up a hand and tangled his long fingers in your hair, you knew he was trying to rid your head of your own demons.

Right there at that moment before sleep claimed you, you made a vow to protect him as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for taking the time to read the first chapter of my very first fic!! I hope you enjoyed it, I have a few chapters prewritten to post in the future if y'all seem to like this. This first chapter is more so just an introduction just for you to get a grasp on a bit of character background and friendships, it gets better, I promise! I'd also like to apologize for any spelling/grammar mistakes I missed (after rereading it a billion times), it's just me and no beta haha. Again, thank you so much for beginning this exciting journey with me and I can't wait to post more! I would absolutely love to hear any feedback, have a lovely day or night mwah mwah. ❤


	2. Patches

Several years had passed since you were a new soldier, fresh onto the field without a grasp of the reality you lived in. You were now a surviving member of the Survey Corps, along with a number of your fellow 104th Cadet Corps friends. You had managed to outlive a countless number of other Scouts during your time within the ranks. That was the bittersweet truth you had to carry with you for the rest of your life. But at the end of the day, you were still alive, which was more than most could say.

Tough shit, you always told yourself.

Just because you were one of the more experienced and battle-hardened members didn't mean you could slack off, however, as today proved. They aimed to hone your skills and prepare you for anything, and with the happenings years past had brought, you knew they truly meant _anything_. You had only survived so long because of the crazy physical training. Sure, the cadets had turned you from a scrawny child into a well-toned girl, but here they formed you into a powerfully built woman. You thought Keith Shadis was bad, but you had no idea about the little man in the Scouts ready to drill you into the ground.

Luckily, it was a beautiful day outside for that type of thing. The grass was green and there was a slight breeze to cool you off while you and everybody else were out on the training grounds of the Survey Corps facility. Although facility wasn't the right word for this building. It was more like a castle, which pleased your inner child. When you were little, you and every other girl within the walls had the same fantasy of living in an enormous palace with a number of rooms and corridors you could become lost in. You wondered what child-you would think about your present-day self, a titan slaying machine who resided in a castle among many other trained killers.

Damn, how different of a life this turned out to be than the one your poor parents had in mind for you.

A sharp jab to your gut snapped you out of your thoughts.

"Shit," you swore through gritted teeth, sucking in a breath. "That was a cheap shot."

You were met with that same old shit-eating grin as he squared up again, fists held high.

"I better make the next one count then!"

Time had definitely passed, but you and Jean remained closer than ever. Although some things had changed, others had not. One of those things was your friend himself. As your eyes grazed over him, you were amazed at how much he really had grown up. His tawny hair was a little longer in the front, sunkissed body was stronger and broader; especially in the chest and shoulders. Not to mention, he was much, much taller now. He used to be a little more than a head taller than you, but now he absolutely towered over your smaller form. You only came up to about where the patch on his jacket sleeve was and he teased you mercilessly for it.

His golden eyes still had the same shine though, and they currently had an evil glint in them.

Before you had the chance to react, he was lunging at you full speed. You tried to sidestep him to counterattack, but you were promptly tackled to the ground.

You struggled against the weight of his body and the large hands that kept your wrists restrained on either side of your head, but to no avail. The two of you scuffled a bit longer and his grin widened at your unsuccessful attempts to kick him as he tightened his hold and pushed you further into the grass.

It tickled your nose and you scrunched your face. You finally went limp and panted from the effort.

"Don't say it."

Leaning his face closer, he gave you a smug look and released a hand from your unmoving wrist, dragging it across your throat in a slow single motion. 

"Dead."

"Oi Horseface, get your dirty hooves off her!" a voice yelled to your right.

You and Jean both looked up to see Eren standing a few feet away with his hands on his hips staring at your somewhat compromising position.

He snickered when Jean's eye twitched in annoyance at the nickname.

You tilted your head and huffed to get the hair out of your face so you could see the brown-haired boy better. "It's alright Eren, I don't need any help," you replied breezily.

He raised his eyebrows and glanced at your restrained form.

"Piss off, Jaeger. I don't need any help either."

Eren cocked out a hip and leaned down towards Jean.

"Well good, because I wasn't offering it to you," he said gleefully.

Jean sneered and you felt his grip tighten on you. "Well-"

"Actually wait Eren," you feigned a thoughtful expression. "I do need one thing,"

While Jean tried to puzzle out your exchange, you flipped your positions. He yelled out in protest as you rolled his heavier body underneath you. His back hit the ground, sending a jolt through the two of you. He was now in the same disposition you had been in previously and none too thrilled about the turn of events.

You sat yourself on top of your friend's hips and looked back at Eren, flashing him a triumphant grin.

"A saddle!"

He was already loudly dying of laughter, doubled over with tears streaming out of his eyes.

Humiliated, Jean fought against you. He clawed at any part of you he could reach, but you overpowered him easily, sending him gasping back into the dirt. Now you laughed at his failed attempts. He was sizzling beneath you and it felt so good to rub your victory in his face.

There was a sudden surprised cry on your right and another body collided with the ground beside you, sprawled on their back. You craned your neck to see a dust cloud dissipating around a shell-shocked Eren.

It was Jean's turn to burst out laughing at the utter look of shock on his face until a shadow fell over the three of you.

"Somebody tell me what the hell is going on here."

The boys froze in terror.

You knew that monotonous voice well. You turned to see steely gray eyes scrutinizing the two boys, the man's expression unreadable as ever. Eren's maniacal laughter must've caught his attention.

Not just his attention, you noticed. Over a dozen other soldiers were gawking at you.

You knew Levi had been assigned to watch over your group's training that day and was none too happy about it either. He had mainly remained on the sidelines eyeing each pair, huffing in indignation whenever somebody did something stupid. Most of the time, Hanji or Mike were the usual ones overseeing you but occasionally Erwin forced him to take a break from his paperwork and give pointers. You had to admit, Hanji was the most fun out of the three. She taught everybody how to flip using ODM gear during one of your first lessons. Sure, it resulted in Armin's broken wrist but you knew he enjoyed it, probably... But Levi was full of life-saving tips that had saved your neck more than once outside the walls.

"Sir!" you gave him a salute, trying to hold back a wince when your fist hit your chest a little too hard, "We were just sparring and things got a little out of hand. I wiped the floor with Kirschtein and he couldn't accept the fact that he lost."

A couple of people giggled. Levi's eyes swiveled over to you and you caught the slightest most indiscernible twitch of his brow. He thought it was funny. You knew you were one of his favorite soldiers, even though he wasn't supposed to play favorites. Along with being one of the best fighters on the field, you were always respectful and didn't get into trouble (that he knew about, ha).

He could tell you were trying to refrain from laughing as well by the way your shoulders slightly shook and lips quivered, so he turned his attention to the man beneath you.

"Kirschtein, quit being a perverted rat bastard. On your feet." he barked.

Jean gaped up at the Captain wordlessly, not knowing how to even react. You could see the gears turning in his head, trying to figure out how Levi could've possibly arrived at that conclusion. When he did eventually come to his senses, he didn't hesitate to throw you on your ass, leaping up from under you into his own salute. "S-sir!"

You took vindictive pleasure in seeing a red hot flush creep across his face at the Captain's words. He didn't dare talk back to Humanity's Strongest as they called him.

"Jaeger!" his sharp voice scared you out of your thoughts and made a few others jump. "Back to training." He narrowed his eyes further and glowered around at those who were watching. "That means you too, brats."

Eren was still lying flat on his back, groaning and clutching his head. As Levi turned to walk away, you called out to him.

"Sir, please! I think he needs to go to the infirmary,"

Stopping in his tracks and turning back to you he answered, "He only goes if he's bleeding."

The two of you looked over to Eren in time to see a stream of blood trickle from his nose.

Your eyes met the Captain's slightly humored stare from underneath his black bangs.

"Escort Jaeger to the infirmary, Soldier."

You hopped up off the ground and gave him a final salute. "Roger!"

Levi lifted his head up and somehow managed to look down at Jean, who stood roughly a foot taller than him, from under his nose. "And you, pair off with Hoover and get back to it. Any more interruptions and you're on stable duty, do you understand?"

Bertolt stood off to the side where he had been sparring with Eren, looking on nervously at Levi's reprimanding.

Jean held his fist to his puffed-out chest. "Yes sir."

~~

"Damnit.."

You had semi-conscious swearing Eren slung over your shoulder and were currently in the process of half dragging half carrying him to get medical attention.

"What in the world did he do to you?" you asked slightly out of breath, trying to keep him awake and talking.

He blinked slowly and took his time answering. "He snuck up behind me like a little ninja and fu.."

He trailed off and didn't continue, making you raise your brows.

"He wh-"

You jumped slightly when he cut you off. "Fucking kicked the back of my knees..."

From the way he limped, you could tell he wasn't joking. You hadn't been on the receiving end of the Captain's punishments in a long time, but you knew very well what he was capable of outside the walls and when somebody misbehaved. You tightened your grip around the poor boy with one hand and opened the door to the infirmary with the other. It was quiet when the two of you made your way in and seemed like nobody was around.

"Hello?" you called.

No answer.

A ray of light shone through the slightly open window and crossed the floor where you were standing. The curtains fluttered from the breeze and the midafternoon light illuminated dust particles floating around in the air.

You both turned to look at each other blankly. He shrugged a shoulder.

Taking a breath, you shouted. "I'm gonna touch all of these expensive supplies and might destroy them if nobody stops me!"

Still nothing. You shook your head as you helped Eren sit on a scratched up exam table.

"Guess I gotta do this myself," you mumbled darkly to yourself as you fiddled with various bandages and medical concoctions in glass bottles that lined the disorganized shelves.

"Bet you ten bucks they're all out on a smoke break,"

You glanced up from what you were doing to see Eren cringing, from either his injury or attempt at a joke, you were not sure.

Giving him a chuckle, you settled on a thick roll of gauze. "Not gonna take that bet because I think you're absolutely right." You leaned in to attach the bandage. "Now hold still, dumbass."

His breathy laugh tickled your neck and you tried not to shiver. Shockingly though, he obeyed you and sat as still as a statue. You lifted tufts of his soft brown hair so you could wrap his head up nice and tight. While doing so, you coughed from inhaling the steam that was rising from his wounds. That was weird as hell. You would never get used to it.

"Ow," he murmured as you tied off the makeshift bandage.

"Oh spare me," you rolled your eyes and turned his head to each side to examine your work, "You can turn into a 15-meter monstrosity and grow back limbs for god's sake. I think you can handle..."

The rest of your sentence was suspended in the air as you noticed his green eyes were staring right into yours and his lips were curled into a subtle smirk. You weren't sure how long he had been looking at you like this and you weren't sure you wanted to know.

Suddenly, you were flustered. You didn't know exactly why but you decided to ignore the feeling. Immediately, you tried to school your expression into something like outrage instead.

"What!"

The smirk wasn't so subtle anymore at your exclamation.

"You think I'm a monster, nurse (Name)?" he purred.

You slapped away the hand that was making its way toward your waist. "Alright tone it down Jaeger, before I have to call Captain Levi back here to put you in your place."

He looked aghast.

"You wouldn't."

"Yuh huh."

Eren made a face and tugged at a lock of your hair.

"You're no fun."

You went to run cold water over a towel at the sink, letting his hand fall back to his side. "And _you_ hit your head too hard." You wrung out the cloth and came back to the table.

While you wiped the remaining blood from his nose, Eren peered at you once more.

"Maaaybe."

You were honestly grateful when he stayed silent as you measured out a dosage of pain pills in the palm of your hand. You gave them to him (the first time, he opened his mouth and tried to get you to put them directly in, but you refused). After finally placing them in his hand, he took them without complaint. Or water. What the hell even was this boy.

He swung his legs back and forth as you finished your amateur job of doctoring him up. While trying to avoid his kicking, you squinted and called it good enough.

Then your attention was on his legs.

"Wait, why are you swinging them if they hurt so bad..."

He didn't even bother looking away from the ceiling when he answered, "Healed up."

Your brows knit together and you eyed him suspiciously.

"Uh huh. Alright, I guess you should just stay here until someone gets back from definitely not slacking off."

He closed his eyes and leaned back against the wall, arms crossed.

"Hmm, I think I prefer my current nurse,"

You resisted the urge to roll your eyes again. "I gotta hit the showers soon so I can make it to dinner on time. Sasha never leaves our end of the table enough bread."

"Ahh, I see now."

You smiled slightly and turned to leave when he said, "Bread is more important than taking care of your hurt friend."

Spinning around, you pinned him with a fake glare but he was already chuckling.

"My god, now I know why Jean wants to beat your ass half the time," you said shaking your head.

His expression turned into something savage and he began to swing his legs again, this time leaning forward on his palms.

"He couldn't take me if he tried."

You raised your eyebrows. That would be quite the match to watch since those two were always at odds. You weren't exactly sure who could win it. On one hand, Jean was taller and broader, thus having the upper hand on size. He could be quick too, but maybe not quick enough to skirt Eren. On the other hand, Eren could be pretty good at hand-to-hand combat and wasn't as lean, he also had so much determination that it was borderline scary most of the time. Both were hotheads without a filter, which you guessed was why they clashed since day one.

"I don't know, but it would sure as hell be entertaining."

You went back to sit next to him for a minute before you left to get cleaned up. Just as you perched yourself up on the table, his eyes flashed with an idea.

"Let me get him back for getting me in trouble."

You had to laugh. Even now, bruised and battered, he still leapt at the chance to fight Jean.

"Take it easy, hotshot. You know we have an expedition coming up and the Commander wants you to take it easy. Not that this is taking it easy whatsoever," you gestured to his steaming injuries and bandaged head.

He kicked the back of your dangling heel lightly with his large brown boot and grunted. "Not even sure why since we're not going to be retaking any walls this time,"

"Maybe it's helpful having a monster on our side if things take a turn for the worse."

It was your turn to smirk. He noticed and roughly shoved you with his uninjured shoulder.

"Ouch, that hurt," you wrinkled your nose.

"I think you can handle it."

He used your own words against you as you did to him. You hopped off the table and began to head back the way you came again.

"Haha, you're so funny. But for real, I'm gonna go wash up. See you at dinner, Eren," you said with a wave as you stepped out the door.

You missed him mumble "Bye, nurse" as the medicine started to kick in.

~~

"I'm surprised Captain Levi didn't kick your ass," said Connie, leaning on his elbow as you set your tray down on the ancient wooden table. He was one of many who had witnessed your little training interruption. The others included at your end of the table were Jean, Armin, Mikasa, Sasha, Ymir, and Krista. And of course, they had all seen as well.

"Careful Connie, pretty sure I just saw him walk by." You replied, sitting down on the bench next to a still frosty Jean.

Everybody in earshot (except Mikasa) turned in alarm at your words, especially Connie.

You held your stomach and laughed at their reaction, "I'm just messing. He's over with Hanji and the elites,"

At your words, the mood instantly shifted back to laid-back again. Connie reached across the table to punch your arm and Sasha resumed telling a story about her village and everyone went back to their food. You came in at the middle of it, but you gathered that apparently one time she almost took her father's head off (purely accidental, she assured everyone) with a crossbow while hunting for wild hogs. While everybody was invested in her story, you noticed that while she was talking, she was also peeling off the flaky brown crust of a loaf of bread under the table and shoving it into her pockets. Those same pockets that in your first year as a Scout you caught her and Krista secretly sewing larger pouches into. "I can't believe I never thought of this!" she had said, holding up her modified skirt as you walked in.

You also happened to notice that it was indeed the last piece of bread. Sigh. At that same time, the tall wooden doors opened at the front of the room and Eren walked in. You figured he must've just come from the infirmary. Jean's poor attempt at pretending not to notice was amusing and you tried not to snort.

"Hey!" you called to him after he had grabbed his tray and was looking for an open seat.

He spotted your waving arm and started to make his way over. Jean groaned beside you.

"Why would you invite that bastard over here? Can't a guy get one fucking day off-"

"Don't even start, Jean," you warned, "I'm not making you sit next to him. I mean I could move over, but-"

"No!" he cut you off.

You flashed a smile in his disgusted face when Eren squeezed into the bench on your other side, leaving you tightly sandwiched between the two.

"Hey," he greeted you.

"Hi, feeling any better?"

"Mmmhm," he nodded and started in on his food. "All thanks to the best doctor in the Survey Corps," he added quietly.

You shook your head and grinned wider, "I thought I was a nurse!"

He gave a soft chuckle and you reached up to adjust his bandage.

"At least you're not steaming anymore,"

You chose to ignore Jean's fake-vomiting behind you, making the others laugh.

As usual, Eren did not choose to ignore him. Being the instigator he was, he tilted sideways past you to face him with a bored expression on his face.

"You can knock off the crap. At least I get touched by a girl, Kirschtein."

Shit.

Jean rose to the bait, but not the way any of you expected. Leaning forward with his chin resting on his palm, he stated calmly, "I don't know Jaeger, she was _all over_ me during training..."

The heat rose to your face instantly. Before you could protest, you felt Eren beginning to stand beside you.

"Eren."

Mikasa's hard voice stopped him in his tracks. Her cold dark eyes told him to sit down.

"It's not worth it," Armin whispered on her left.

He made an indignant noise and dropped back down, her stare following him as he angrily dug back into his soup. Sasha and Connie looked at each other with slightly amused glances and the rest pretended nothing just happened. But you couldn't.

You turned to face Jean, who was not trying very hard to appear nonchalant. 

"What the hell?" you whispered harshly.

He smirked and opened his stupid mouth to speak.

"If I may have your attention, please."

Commander Erwin's deep voice rang through the hall. Everyone's attention shifted over to the tall blond man standing in the middle of the room. A hush fell over the soldiers and you stomped on Jean's foot to get back at him. At least he had the decency to stay quiet.

"As you all know, we have been organizing an expedition outside of Wall Rose for the past several months. Said operation will commence in less than a week. We do not have an exact date yet, and you will be notified when we do. More details will be disclosed once the date is set"

He took a moment to survey the crowd, looking at each person individually.

"In a day's time, we will begin to travel south towards Trost district in order to stock up on supplies and sort out some last-minute arrangements. Afterward, we will head eastward and arrive in the Karanes district to begin our mission. During our stay in Trost, you will be granted time off to visit family and friends. You may also see the town and enjoy yourselves for a bit." He said with a twinkle in his sapphire eyes.

People were looking at each other in glee and the dining hall was starting to get noisy again.

"However," Erwin continued loudly, "do not be mistaken, you will be put to work during some of that time."

Nobody cared about the last part, they heard the words "time off" and lost their minds. He continued his message for a few more moments and then concluded.

"Thank you for your attention, that is all." The Commander sat back down.

The chatter picked up again, louder than ever. Everybody at your table began to talk about their plans in high spirits.

"Yes!" yelled Sasha, throwing her arms up in victory. "I've been saving up for new snacks!"

"What! No you haven't!" interjected Connie in disbelief. "Last time we were in Karanes you spent-"

Sasha's hand slapped over his mouth.

You turned your attention from them to your plate, anxiety clouding your thoughts. For you, the trip was a different story. You hadn't been back to Trost ever since the battle. There was a heavy weight in your heart at the thought of going back to the place all the innocent blood of your peers had been spilled. The place where your heart had been shattered.

Amber eyes caught yours and they mirrored your own sadness. You knew the feeling was a little different for him though since that was his childhood home before he became a cadet. The only place he had known as a kid, way before this messed up world became even more deranged. And now it was tainted with the memory of being the place of death for his best friend. Tinged with painful memories. Quarrel entirely forgotten, you gulped and placed your hand on his unmoving knee, needing the feeling of the rough leather strap around his leg to keep you grounded.

A moment later, his hand came to rest on top of yours beneath the dark cover of the table.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter wasn't as long, it's probably the shortest one. I'd quickly like to mention that my story strays a bit from the original storyline, Reiner and Bert are in it because I love them and it's my writing my rules!!! I'm also trying to make the character's personalities as close to the anime as possible, I hope you can tell aaaaa  
> There's more on the way and thank you for the support already?? I'm so excited to share my fic with you!


	3. Trek

The following day passed without much event. It was your daily routine for the most part; wake up, train, more training, and then guess what? Training. They took special care to go over the titan drills you all knew by heart since it needed to be fresh on your mind. Of course your morning and afternoon were filled with the most excruciating drill, which happened to be Captain Levi's personal favorite. The goal was to learn how to maneuver your ODM gear on flat terrain without being snatched out of midair by bloodthirsty titans since the majority of the time, that was the kind of land you worked with on expeditions. Virtually no trees to spring your hooks into with no way to gain traction, and many had lost their lives because of the disadvantage of the landscape.

Your group of five started in formation, had to leap off your still-moving horses, and stick a landing worthy of the Captain's approval. Then he had you sprint for _thirty minutes_ to build up your stamina and get you used to relying on your own speed rather than your gear. After having zero recuperation time, you were then supposed to take down a titan dummy they had stationed in the clearing in front of the woods without using the thick trunked trees for help.

Someone in your group asked why they couldn't just use the trees since they were right there. On that day, the infirmary gained another brave soldier.

Now on the morning of the expedition, you were waking up and swearing out the Captain in your head for the way your entire body was aching from the prior exertion. Your legs were on fire and your ribs felt like somebody had tied twine around your core over and over until you couldn't breathe. You swore he assigned that specific drill out of spite towards Jean and Eren for their little altercation the day before.

Blinking several times, you leaned over and squinted at the window where the sliver of your sky view was. _Oh Maria,_ you groaned before collapsing back into your springy mattress. You were awake before you were supposed to be, it wasn't even light yet.

After laying there staring at the bottom of Sasha's bunk for several minutes listening to the snores above, you got up soundlessly. You shared a room with her, Mikasa, Petra, Ymir, and Krista and you didn't want to risk waking them.

It had taken you awhile to get used to moving around quietly when you bunked with many other people. Back when you were a cadet, you lived with even more girls than now. A few of your old roommates were Annie, Mina, and Hannah along with a couple of others who had died. You randomly remembered this one girl named Samantha that was even more standoffish than Annie. Mina had tried to befriend her in the first couple of days, but Samantha dumped her food tray in her lap for talking to her, so everyone had decided to avoid her from then on. She had been sharing a bunk with Hannah in your same cabin when she disappeared in the middle of the night in your first year. No one ever knew what happened to her and her bed sat empty for three years. None of you dared to sit on it.

Shaking off the frightening memory, you grabbed the fresh uniform you had scrubbed down the night before and your white towel from the wooden chest everybody stored their clothing in at the end of the room. After shutting the squeaky-hinged chest as slowly as you could, you shoved your tired feet in your slippers so you wouldn't disrupt the still sleeping girls by walking loudly and closed the door silently behind you.

The trip to Trost was supposed to begin two hours from now and you wanted to leave yourself plenty of time to eat while your comrades scrambled to get ready on time. This wasn't your first rodeo.

Foamy soap suds ran down your temples as you smiled at your genius planning. Another perk of being up early was having all the hot water you could ever want, which was a rare feat since you were normally a late sleeper.

You hummed to yourself and took pleasure in the way the sound bounced around the empty shower. The time you had to do this sort of thing was limited, so you appreciated every moment. Between your busy schedule and the sheer number of people you lived with, there was essentially never any privacy. That and you knew this could very well be the last time you could ever shower here. Sure, the thought was morbid; but after over five years as a soldier and cadet, you were used to those types of thoughts popping into your head at random.

It was true and over time you had just accepted the fact.

The last traces of warm water swirled down the drain in the middle of the room and you groped around the opposite side of the divider in search of your towel.

 _Agh,_ you sucked in a sharp breath through your gritted teeth. _Just lifting my damn arm hurts._

After painstakingly drying your stinging body, you buttoned up your uniform and slid on your jacket. You began daydreaming about what special breakfast the cooks had prepared for everyone to distract yourself from your protesting joints. The morning of an expedition, they always made sure to go all out. For roughly twenty-percent of you, it would be your last meal. For those remaining, it was a boost of morale and a good thing to gorge yourself on. Ever since that one operation there the supply wagons got completely wiped out, no one wanted to risk dying of starvation of all things.

Even though you were only going as far as Trost today, everyone still deserved a filling breakfast since you would be missing out on lunch.

Stifling a yawn, you shuffled back out into the courtyard on your way to gather the few items you would need to bring in your satchel. You promptly collided with a broad chest.

"Oi, what the-"

Your sentence hung in midair as you looked up to see a just as surprised Reiner accompanied by a weary Jean. Even with his still sleepy expression, you could tell he was amused once he caught sight of you. The two were on their way to the showers to get ready for the morning.

"Should watch where you're going, short stuff." Reiner teased with a flash of teeth, flipping his towel over a large shoulder.

Your brows twitched at the nickname and you held your stinging nose, "And _you_ should watch where your dumbass chest goes."

Jean chuckled beside him. "This one's not very nice in the mornings as you can see."

You bit back a remark about him looking pathetically wimpy next to the bigger blond boy. But it wasn't like you had any room to talk when your head didn't even clear Jean's shoulders or even Reiner's pecs.

Reiner gave a short laugh as well.

"Or ever. Sorry for almost breaking your nose then (Name), won't happen again. Also..."

You noticed they were both staring at something on the ground.

Confused about what they were so concerned about, you brought your eyes down as well to see what they were looking at. You were greeted with the sight of your fluffy white slippers.

"Why," stated Reiner, gesturing with both hands.

"Why not?" you answered. You supposed they did look kinda funny paired with your full uniform, but they were comfortable so you didn't care.

He gave a sharp nod, "Fair enough."

As he moved to continue towards the showers, Jean spoke.

"Wait, why are you even up anyway? Didn't feel like having Hanji drag you out of bed again?"

Fuck, he heard about that.

About a week ago, you had accidentally slept way past when you were supposed to. The unfair thing was it wasn't even your fault. Sasha had given everybody sweets the night before that she had been stockpiling under her mattress and in her shoes. Everybody refused to eat those last ones. Except for the owner herself. There was so much that you all had a sugar crash, leaving you zonked facedown in bed. Apparently, it affected everybody differently since they were all awake to see Hanji grab you by the ankles and yank you to a very rude awakening. All you remember is seeing Mikasa shaking her head at you from behind Hanji's back.

You hoped they didn't know the whole story. But judging by the knowing sideways smile he was flashing you, he knew.

"Very funny, maybe make sure you're fully awake before trying to insult me." You eyed him. "By the way, your hair looks like a bird's nest."

He stuck his tongue out at you as you passed. But when you looked back, you saw him pawing at his tawny hair, attempting to flatten it down.

Arriving at your door, you smirked to yourself and walked in to join your now awake roommates in packing.

~~

The two hours were passing quickly. At a half-hour till, everybody was out by the stables readying their steeds. You were currently in your horse's stall brushing down your dark brown Clydesdale. He had been your loyal companion for years, always reliable during both training and expeditions. His name was Benjamin and he was the best horse you could ever ask for. When you had just joined the Scouts, they had each of you pick out your own horse. His charming brown and white face had captured your attention immediately and you won him over by feeding him a sweet potato. From that moment on, he was fully devoted to you.

That was ironically how Sasha became one of your closest friends as well.

The stable was filled with the sound of chatter and the occasional neigh. Hay crunched underfoot and at one point you thought you heard someone (who sounded very much like Connie) seemingly step in a pile of horse shit and swear at the top of their lungs. Ymir was in the stall to your left, lifting a saddle onto her own horse and talking between you and Krista on her other side.

"Pretty depressing that we're going to Trost instead of straight to Karanes, don't you think?" she tilted her head while adjusting the straps.

You looked over while combing the knots out of Ben's mane. "Why's that?"

Her brown eyes met yours over the wall and she gave a dramatic shrug. "They're taking us on a little vacation before we get slaughtered. Why not just get it over with?"

You couldn't help but huff a laugh.

"Always so optimistic, you are. I think Erwin said we were just gonna pick up some supplies, but I'm not even sure what those would be since we're only taking two wagons." You stopped and pondered for a moment. "Both of them would be filled with rations and spare weapons that we already have."

Krista's small voice piped up over the noise. "I'm not one hundred percent sure either, but I trust Commander Erwin."

Ymir's mouth quirked into her signature snicker.

You heard an indignant "What!" from a defensive Krista across the walls.

"Hmm, nothing. He's always vague as hell, so who knows."

Her head disappeared somewhere behind the wall to grab something and Benjamin was tugging again at your sleeve with his teeth.

You had developed a little game with him over time called "Bite Brush". Every time you would pick up the long bristled comb, he would nibble at your jacket sleeve with his dull squared teeth and drag your arm to where he wanted to be brushed. It always made you laugh and Benjamin seemed to thoroughly enjoy it every time.

"I know buddy, I know," you told to him, "We're almost ready to go." You double-checked his harness and straps to make sure they were fitted correctly and wouldn't chafe his hide.

His large chocolate eyes watched your careful movements and you couldn't help but smile at him.

"You're such a big handsome boy, you know that?" you cooed and rubbed the spot between his eyes.

"I know I am," came a cocky voice on your right. "Good to know you finally see it too."

You turned to see Jean resting against the metal gate, elbow propped up under a self-assured smirk.

"Definitely not who I was talking to at all," you said walking over to him, leaving Ben whinnying in your absence. "What do you want, jackass?"

He put his hands up in mock defense.

"Just checking to see if the Scout's favorite _nurse_ is ready to go."

He put extra emphasis on the word "nurse" and you knew he was referring to your conversation with Eren at dinner the other night.

"Don't be jealous he has the best around taking care of him." You knew your amateur level of medical knowledge was inadequate to begin with but you didn't say so. "Why do you even care?"

Lazily, he shrugged.

"I don't and that's the beauty of it. Hurry up, would you? I wanna be towards the front formation. Daz has major BO and I always get stuck behind him somehow."

He made a face and you snorted. You couldn't help but wonder why he changed the subject so quickly.

"Probably smelling your own breath from all the shit-talking you do. I guess I'm ready now, just have to grab my bag from the dorm first."

He took his elbow off the gate and motioned towards the exit, allowing you to take the lead. "Alright, I'll go with you."

You gave Ben one last pat and began to leave with Jean. His sad eyes followed you out, so you called to him. "I'll be back soon, Benny!"

Jean gave a seemingly judgemental laugh beside you as you crossed the grass to the girl's dorm buildings.

"What, you don't talk to Buchwald? I talk to both of my horses all the time."

"Both of...?" The realization hit him. He frowned and pushed you roughly to the side.

A giggle bubbled out of you and you shoved him lightly back.

"I'm sorry, I know you don't like that. You know I don't mean it though, stupid."

"Mmhm."

The rest of the walk around the side of the castle was quiet. As you reached the door, he leaned against the wall. "Alright, go get your stuff."

You opened the door and ran headfirst into the chaos, dodging a flying Sasha. On your way, you tripped on a pair of Ymir's boots and cursed under your breath. Some of these girls couldn't clean even if their life depended on it.

"Mikasa, have you seen my lipgloss?" asked someone wriggling halfway underneath a bed.

"Do you really think I took it?"

Sidestepping what you figured to be Petra's rear end, you made it to your bed. You grabbed your rucksack by the strap and spun to leave, but a note fluttered off and landed on your pillow.

Curious, you picked it up and read it.

_'Meet me at the second formation line.'_

It wasn't signed but you knew the scratched out, nearly illegible handwriting anywhere. Notes like these were passed to you all the time whenever Hanji held classes.

You left the room and came back to Jean who was looking at the sky with arms crossed, leg resting on the siding. You were wearing a bemused expression when he looked over at you.

He cocked an eyebrow in question and pushed off the wall. You lifted up the piece of crumpled paper and watched as he squinted to read it.

His lip curled up. "Somebody was cursed with some god-awful writing skills. Who even left that?"

"You'll see," you answered vaguely, beginning to stride back the way you came.

The two of you retrieved your horses and led them over to the field where others had already gathered. There weren't any officially assigned formations since you were only going to Trost at the time being, but they were splitting everyone into five different large groups though to avoid confusion and give some sense of order. And of course, the Commander and other higher ranks were to be positioned at the front of the pack. Since there weren't too many people there yet, there was only one group that was starting to fill up, so it wasn't difficult to find where you were going to be. 

There were a couple of spots open in the second line and people were chatting on horseback or double-checking their belongings; busy enough not to care if a few extra people squeezed in. Jean, who was several heads above you, was looking out over the crowd to try and see who was waiting on you. You couldn't see past the sea of stirring horses and riders, so you just observed your friend. The moment his face fell, you knew.

While you were attempting to smother your smile with your jacket sleeve, he spun on you with a pained expression.

"No."

As you and your horses got closer, you spotted Eren beckoning you over to the empty area around him. Obviously, he didn't think you saw him, because his frantic waving almost made him fall off his horse.

Your smile grew and you waved back to him.

"Don't bring that horse over here!" he yelled, "Benjamin is fine, just not the other one!"

Jean gave him a not very nice hand gesture and mounted his horse beside you.

You finally reached Eren and extended an arm to pet his black Arabian. "Tell Eren to be nice or this is gonna be a long ride, girl."

She brayed in response. You didn't catch the warm look Eren accidentally let slip in your direction, but Jean sure did. He was already annoyed enough as it was and he sure as hell didn't need another reason.

But as fate had it, there was never _not_ a squabble with those two.

You laced your left foot inside the stirrup and tried to push off the ground with your other. Just from trying to use your leg momentum you wanted to cry out. Your thighs burned and biceps screamed in protest.

"Ah," you gasped slightly, trying not to alert anyone to your pain.

In an instant, both boys dismounted and hurried to your aid.

"Here, let me help you-"

"Hang on, I'll give you a boost-"

Four arms were grabbing at your legs and it was kind of causing a scene. "Hey! Cut that out!" you yelped, trying to hold onto Ben for balance.

A conversation stopped behind you and a few heads turned your way. And to top it off, Reiner and Bertolt had arrived right as Eren's hand got caught under the harness behind your knee. He yanked his arm back so hard it almost sent the three of you tumbling into the tall grass. Reiner wiggled his eyebrows at you as they passed.

"Someone's popular."

You couldn't even bite back at him since you were too preoccupied trying to shake your leg of Jean's grip on your calf after the other boy was free of the leather strap.

"For the love of Sina, let go!" you hissed, cheeks flaming. You hated any extra attention, but that wasn't the only reason you were flustered. Combined with the surveying stares, the sensation of their hands on your hips and legs was nearly sensory overload.

The two backed off, looking at each other reproachfully. Jean hopped back on Buchwald and turned the other way to hide his anger, pretending nothing had just happened. Eren let go but stayed at your side. His eyes melted into something kinder when he looked back at you.

"Still want help?" he offered meekly.

Looking at his soft face was a stark contrast from his usual expression of intensity or annoyance, and you had to admit it was kinda cute. It was also funny how fast his expression snapped from frustrated to almost bashful. His round turquoise eyes looked happier when they were at ease.

You couldn't help but lower your own in embarrassment, face growing hotter still. People had gone back to what they were doing, so you felt safe to answer.

"Yes please," you accepted quietly, taking more interest in a strand of grass swaying in the breeze.

"Alright," he said gently, stepping closer beside you, "push off my shoulder once you're ready."

His large hand made its way around your waist where Jean's previously was.

Jean had turned back around at that moment after pretending to look at the trees, taking in Eren's hand in his place and your pink dusted cheeks. A wave of sudden anger boiled up inside him and he didn't know where it came from. 

"Tch."

 _I'm this close to choosing a different fucking group,_ he thought as you placed your hand on Eren's shoulder and he lifted you up.

And when his hand slipped a fraction of an inch lower, he was about to lose his goddamn mind. He grit his teeth and internally begged for a moment alone with Eren to pulverize his sorry handsy ass.

But between that and the look you were giving the brown-haired boy, he really didn't want to leave you alone with him. So he schooled his features and changed the subject instead.

"Oi Eren, where's Mikasa and Armin?"

He looked over at Jean with a blank expression, trying to make peace for your sake.

"They're coming," he grunted and swung himself back onto his horse, jiggling the saddle in place with his legs, "Armin forgot his bigass book, and Mikasa's probably finishing her daily thousand sit-ups or something."

You could attest to that. Just about every morning you woke up to see her doing crunches on the floor a bit behind your head. You and the other girls could never understand why she would be up and at it so early.

He seemed to be right though, as time later proved. Eventually, a nervous-looking Armin weighed down by his oversized rucksack and a glistening Mikasa fell in a few rows behind you since groups were finally filling up. Everybody was finding their friends and forming their own little gangs.

Finally, when the sun was beginning to rise into the sky, the Commander, Levi, Mike, and Hanji appeared. As they took their places at the front squad, the sound of the summer grasshoppers chirping replaced the noise of people talking.

"Survey Core," his loud voice boomed. His white stallion shuffled underneath him as he turned to face his troops.

"In a moment, we will begin our trek to Trost. When we arrive, you are to follow me and lead your horse to your corresponding group's stable. There will be Military Police members to guide you in any confusion. Section Commander Hanji will lead the women to their barracks and Squad Leader Miche will lead the men. Everyone is to stay in their barracks to get settled in. You will await further instruction from Captain Levi. Do I make myself clear?"

His startlingly sky blue eyes took you in, then settled on the next person, and so on.

"Understood!" chorused all five groups in unison.

Erwin dipped his head, every strand of sleek blond hair staying in place. "Good. Now, let us begin!" He whipped his reins and his horse's two front hooves lifted from the ground, sending dirt and grass flying.

Half a second later, a hundred other soldiers joined in and rode after their Commander into the blazing sunrise.

~~

The summer heat bore down on you and your comrades most of the day. But during those many hours on horseback, your view was wonderful. Your excited gaze soaked in the rippling, unkempt grass and the colorful butterflies that swayed around over new kinds of flowers that popped up from the ground, blooming into types you don't have at the castle. Every now and then people would shout out when they saw a rabbit or squirrel just like delighted little children. You knew Sasha in Connie were having a bet on who could spot the best animal first- you could hear them clearly from a section in the very back. You also saw how every so often, Levi would glance back at them from the front, irritation crossing his features at their whooping and shouting.

Everyone other than him was in a joyful mood though, not even letting the fiery sun discourage them. At some point in the late afternoon, the Scouts stopped at a stream to give the horses a short break and let them drink. Your group had come to a halt in front of a deeper pool of dark blue water and people were tying their horses to the willows that hung over the surface so they could go sit on the bank.

It was calm up at the front, but you could tell the back group was having problems. You and several others around you were watching the chaos unfold with your feet soaking in the shallows, heads poking around people craning to get a good view. Levi had Sasha in a chokehold, attempting to pry a cattail from her jaws while Krista stood nearby begging for her to drop it. It seemed his anger had finally reached a breaking point.

Some people were still watching and laughing as the show finished up, but your attention drifted over to your friends. Eren was deep in conversation with Armin about something and Mikasa was looking out upon the stream's bubbling surface. Jean was currently giving you a look of exasperation at the event that had just unfolded.

"That girl will eat anything."

At some point during the afternoon, he gave up on pouting and wordlessly made up with you in his head. Not that you knew he was holding it against you to begin with.

You rolled your eyes and laid back on your crossed arms behind your head. "Tell me about it. A few months ago she tried to eat my shampoo."

He mirrored your motions, laying down in the shaded grass as well. "Because it smells like green apple?" he teased.

A funny look crossed your face.

"Yeah, that's exactly why."

After you replied, he realized what he had said. His eyebrows pulled in and his eyes showed embarrassment when you peeked at him out of the corner of your eye.

Huh. He must be paying close attention if he knew that. The thought oddly brought a smile to your lips.

"What does yours smell like?" you blurted.

"What does what now?" he asked in confusion, angling his head sideways to see your expression. His bangs fell across his forehead and he moved with such easiness. You couldn't help but have your eyes follow his tan arm when he unfolded it to scratch his neck.

You were trying to bite back your own embarrassed smile as you rephrased your question. "What does your shampoo smell like?"

Realization dawned on his face and was just as quickly replaced with a cocky side grin. "Why don't you find out?"

 _Is he serious?_ "Oh my god, okay."

You gave in and sat up with a grunt. His grin only grew when you grabbed his sun-warmed head by the sides and leaned down, burying your nose in his hair. You were unaware Mikasa was watching with interest when you took a deep sniff.

"Hmm..." your voice was muffled by his coppery locks. You scrunched your face trying to figure it out. "I need a hint."

"No hints!" he said gleefully.

"Okay, then I need to try again!" You lunged at him and grabbed the wrists he had over his head trying to block you. You were both laughing and rolling in the grass, not even noticing Eren kneeling in the shallows, splashing a wave of cool water onto the two of you.

"Hey!" growled Jean, flinging droplets from his face and splattering them into your own. You squeezed your eyes shut and made a face.

"How many times do I have to tell you." He shook his head sadly and cut off Jean's protest. "Hands off, Kirschtein. Miche said it's time to go."

Jean had hurled something back at him but you tuned him out. You were busy looking around and noticed the other groups climbing back on their horses along with Erwin and Levi on their way to theirs as you wrung out your damp hair.

Ben was finishing getting a drink when you tugged on his reins, leading him away from the muddy bank. While you snagged an apple from your saddlebag and gave it to him, you heard heavy footsteps and Eren was behind you.

"Need help again?" he cut straight to the point. You couldn't tell if his face had color because of the heat or not.

"Maybe," you answered uncertainly. Fitting your boot in the stirrup, you tried again, attempting to lift yourself with your other arm. Touching back on the ground you knew you felt looser since this morning and figured you could do it yourself... But why refuse his offer?

You told yourself it was because you needed help, not that you wanted the extra excuse of him touching you as he held the small of your back. Luckily Jean was too busy wiping the last of the water off and saddling up to watch.

It took everyone a few more minutes to get ready before the Commander gave the signal. There was a patch of woods you would be passing through, so he directed everyone to the flattened down pathway into the shade of the trees.

~~

The sun was dipping low in the sky and you had left the stream hours ago by now, still making your way through the woodland terrain. It wasn't like the gargantuan titan forest luckily, so there was more to look at. A few minutes ago, Connie shouted something about seeing deer, to which Sasha swore at since she lost the bet. To no one's surprise, the deer ran off at the racket.

Bird calls and the clatter of hooves filled the air and you had to raise your voice to be heard by Armin who was following close behind you. You had been chatting between him and Jean for the past hour or so to pass the time. Soldier's stomachs were growling and everyone's muscles were starting to get cramped up from riding all day, so people were grumbling to others around them.

Jean let out a heavy sigh. "It's nearly dark, but judging by where we are, I don't think we're too far."

You temporarily forgot that he grew up around here and knows these woods like the back of his hand. You had been here before too but under different circumstances. Back when you were a cadet, they held a training exercise for the higherups to see what you had to show for yourselves, and during that time, Sasha and Jean had a cooking showdown. You had been on his team and hunted in this same patch of woods to track down the giant elusive hog that had been terrorizing the townsfolk.

Years before that, however, kid Jean roamed the forest. He had told you stories about it in the past, but you couldn't remember too well. In your mind, you could practically see him clambering up the trees and investigating the many varieties of wild berry bushes you saw around. It was funny to picture him when he was a child, compared to the sizeable, towering man he was today. Peeping in your peripheral vision at him, you tried to piece it together. But looking at his reasonably attractive face- _you were being generous,_ you thought rolling your eyes- you just couldn't picture it.

"I'll ask, I had a question for him anyway," offered Armin. He cleared his throat. "Excuse me, Commander Erwin!" he called raising a hand even though Erwin couldn't see it.

He turned slightly, blue eyes catching a glint of evening light through the dense trees. "Yes, Soldier?"

"I'm just curious how much further we have, sir. My compass is saying that we're nearly to-"

The Commander's throaty chuckle cut him off. "You're always on top of it, Arlert. I'd say we're about thirty minutes from our destination. We'll be clearing the woods in about five, don't you worry."

Growing nausea suddenly hit you full force as you realized how close you really were. Your stomach churned and you gripped white-knuckled to Benjamin's reins, letting the feeling of the rough leather scraping your hands ground you. You hadn't noticed the uneasiness you had been carrying with you subconsciously the past few days ever since Erwin's announcement that night at dinner. The prospect of being in Trost again made you anxious and you didn't know how you would react once the city gates opened before you.

"Hey," said a low voice barely audible on your right. You looked over to meet Jean's steady gaze.

You could tell he knew exactly what you were thinking. Even though you hid it from your facial features, your best friend still somehow knew.

He gave you a meaningful sideways nod.

He was trying to keep your panic just between the two of you and you were more than grateful for it. You nodded back, silently thanking him. For as long as the two of you had been friends, you had developed your own way of communicating with one another. You could pretty much always read his facial expressions even when others couldn't. He said the same about you, that you were an open book. Sometimes the thought worried you, but you mostly found immense comfort in that fact. He had gotten you out of more than one sticky situation like that; whether it was titans or that drunkard at the bar who tried to hook up with you, he had your back.

Forgetting your discomfort for a moment, you remembered the time it happened. A handful of Scouts, including you and Jean, had gone to the bar one weekend night to celebrate something you couldn't even remember. You two weren't there to drink this time but just to hang out with the others. All of the booths were practically filled up except the one closest to the bar since it was a busy night for them. A steward had finished hastily grabbing the empty flagons on it so you all settled tightly into that one.

A little while into the night, you had to go to the bathroom. After you finished, you opened the heavy wooden door and found Jean leaning against the wall where he would always be while you used the restroom. He followed you down the narrow hall there and waited outside every time for added protection in the bustling tavern since you were a _female_ among brash intoxicated _men_. The very first time he did this you yelled at him, telling him you weren't some feeble little girl who couldn't protect herself, that you were a capable well-trained soldier. He had listened to your ranting with an unreadable expression until you were out of breath, then he spoke. Never once putting you down or making you feel inferior.

 _I know you can take care of yourself, I'm not saying you can't,_ he told you evenly. _I'm doing this to prevent that one slim chance of something bad happening to you_. _You as a girl are easily outnumbered in a place like this._ He had gestured to the multiple tussles happening across the room and the women with seedy men wearing forced smiles. As soon as the words left his mouth, you knew they were true and you automatically felt bad. And ever since then, he had been trailing you.

But that night, you wordlessly walked off toward the booth like normal and he shadowed you through the crowd, at your back close enough to feel his white shirt brush against your shoulder blades with any movement. Since your table was at the other end of the bar and the restrooms were on the opposite side, you had to walk right next to it. You had grown used to the occasional outward stares from men (but what you didn't know was the fact of Jean being with you prevented a lot more), so you didn't see the arm that was thrust out wrapping its way around your waist, snatching you from the walkway with a yelp. You looked up and you were pushed flush to a scruffy middle-aged man's hairy chest. He was leaning against the counter and had you locked in a firm grasp.

 _Well would you look at what I found, Travis?_ he asked his buddy, his sour booze-filled breath made its way up to your nostrils. You wanted to gag. The two chuckled darkly while you were frozen in place. _Why can't I move?_ you internally panicked when he dragged a finger down your cheek. _How about..._ He looked you up and down with a wicked lust-filled gaze. _…You and me rent a little room upstairs..?_

He brought his hand down on your rear just as Jean finally fought his way through the jostling crowd. Hard.

A feeling of helpless violation shuddered through your entire body and your mouth was agape in shock.

You'll never forget the blazing fury that filled Jean's wide golden eyes before they narrowed into blood-chilling slits. His expression was downright thunderous when he stormed over to the man and wrenched his hand from your body, holding his wrist high in the air.

Swears flew from his mouth and he swung drunken punches at Jean whose grip was tightening around his wrist, twisting it almost fully backward to his forearm. At some point, he ordered you to get behind him and you did, ducking under his outstretched arm, There you cowered, pressed tightly against his broad back. The man roared in pain when Jean pinned his arm in a very uncomfortable looking position- you think he might've dislocated it judging by the loud pop.

People weren't really paying any attention to the commotion, they were so used to disturbances like these and turned a blind eye to them. Not like they could hear over their own deafening conversations anyway. But by then the second guy, Travis, apparently jumped into the brawl, attempting to throw a poorly aimed blow to Jean's head. He easily maneuvered out of the way and landed a kick in Travis's gut, sending him into the grimy floorboards below. He dropped the other man's arm and loomed over Travis, wearing a face of unadulterated rage. He spit in his face and whirled around to the other he left cringing away at the bar. Travis must've seen the leather straps crisscrossing Jean's long athletic legs from his view on the ground, because he weakly called out _don't, Boris_ to his friend. _He's one of_ _them_ _._

When Jean felt you were both safe enough, he reached a hand back to where you were and held onto your arms that were crossed around your front, shielding you. He leaned forward into the assaulter's face and said with teeth grit, _Don't you **ever** lay a hand on her again or I will kill you._ The way he stated it so gravely, you knew he was dead serious.

 _Do you hear me?_ He asked with a dangerous silky tone you had never heard before. Boris swore once more and gave a curt nod with his lip curled up in hatred

And with that, he briskly shepherded you away.

The memory still shook you up to this day, but it reminded you every time that Jean would have your back in any given situation.

"Look!" exclaimed someone a few rows behind you. You were snapped out of your troublesome recollection and looked up to see towering walls in the distance from the edge of the copse of trees.

You had reached the doorstep of Trost.

You cast a brief look over at Jean and saw the apprehension on his tense features. His jaw was tightened and his brows were furrowed slightly. You thought about how conflicted he must be since he just reassured you, but was expressing his clashing thoughts somewhere you could read them. Now it was your turn to be strong.

It wasn't as if you could have a private moment to quiet his racing mind since there were so many others around you, not to mention Eren talking loudly about something on your other side. You made a plan in your mind that you'd put into motion later.

But for now, you merely caught his eye and gestured to yourself taking a deep, slow cleansing breath. You exaggerated your exhale, letting the air rush past your lips. _Breathe._ He returned your weak smile and faced forward once more.

It only took a couple more minutes to reach the wall once you cleared the trees. Erwin gave a signal from the front to open the gate, lifting his arm straight in the air. You craned your neck and bent backward along with the others in the first rows to see the top of the wall. Tiny Garrison members were scurrying around the top to announce your arrival. You were starting to feel vertigo and your head spun from looking so far up. A warm hand was placed firmly at your back and you looked to see Eren looking at you straight-faced. His right leg and your left were pressed together at the closeness. A tingle ran up your spine.

"It's a long way up," he said lowly. You gulped and nodded, glancing up again since you still felt his stare on you. 

But he wasn't the only one staring at you.

A low rumbling shook the earth beneath your feet and the horses shifted uncomfortably, whinnying nervously at the disturbance. The gate was slowly lifting, sending small pebbles falling and clouds of dust into the air. Once it had risen all of the way and the ancient clanking stopped, the Scouts pressed forward and you got your first glance into the city that had haunted your dreams for years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, so I tried to make this one a little longer to make up for the last short chapter because I felt bad. That and I couldn't stop writing. Also one side note I forgot to mention in the last one was that in this story the characters are all 18 or over since it would be hella weird if they weren't. The exact age is up to you to interpret!  
> Please let me know in the comments if you're enjoying it so far, I love any feedback! Hope you're having an amazing day/night ily all <3


	4. Release

Despite your nervousness to be in Trost, it was still a relief to arrive and get off your horse. You loved Ben dearly, but your body had been through enough torment even before the bumpy ride that jostled you around all day. You felt halfway guilty for leaving him at the stables, but you explained to him he had other horse buddies around.

As expected, he didn't say anything back.

Everyone had already eaten dinner in the HQ dining hall and were filing out to go to their separate barracks for the night. The sound of benches being pushed back and clattering silverware filled the torch-lit room. You wound your way through tired Scouts scuffling through the hall to get to your assigned room. Lucky for you, you had thought ahead. You had already cleaned yourself up and stowed away your belongings a little while ago so you could immediately go to sleep upon returning from dinner.

Or so you thought.

Rubbing your weary eyes and twisting the old metal doorknob, you entered the room and your ears were immediately assaulted by the sound of high-pitched girly laughter. You forgot you were bunking with three of the most extroverted roommates from your dorm back at home. Sasha was hanging over the top of an empty bunk munching a chicken leg while Petra was perched on the opposite lower bed in the process of braiding Krista's light blonde hair.

It still caught you off guard seeing trained killers doing normal girl things in their free time. Petra's friendly brown eyes caught sight of you standing in the doorway looking lost.

"(Name!)" she beamed. "Great, now we're all here! Come join us, we brought snacks since Sasha was punished and couldn't eat dinner!" She pointed to a platter on the bed. "Oh, also Krista's sleeping under Sasha so the bunk above mine is available."

She must've seen the unsureness in your smile as you started towards the ladder.

"If you don't like the top we can switch!" she scrambled around for a moment. "Oh Maria, I didn't even think about if you're afraid of heights, I can-"

"Petra," you halted her by placing a hand on her shoulder. "I'm completely fine with the top, don't worry. And I'm not afraid of heights." You gave a small laugh.

"Oh my god you guys, that reminds me," piped up Sasha laying on her back halfway out of bed, "You'll never guess who _hates_ heights."

The three of you looked at her in question. Her eyes were mischievous when she dramatically whispered "Reiner."

Krista shrieked and Petra dropped the section of hair she was working on and cackled with her. Even you couldn't help but lift an eyebrow as you grabbed a piece of bread from the plate on Petra's bed. It was shocking, the biggest, boldest man in the 104th was scared of heights?

"Bertolt is always saying he's a warrior, so is he actually afraid of anything?" Krista asked, tilting her petite head. "Except Annie and Ymir," she rushed to add.

"Reiner? How in the world did you find that out?" you asked, tearing at the crust.

She gave you a teasing grin. "I've been waiting since last week to tell you guys but I forgot. But do you remember the other day when we were cleaning the castle windows?"

The three of you looked at each other confused. 

Krista spoke up, her soft brows furrowed. "No... we haven't done that in two months...?

Sasha looked bewildered for a moment, then comprehension dawned on her face. "Oh!" she lifted a finger, "That's right! I got in trouble with Captain Hardass-"

All of you immediately jumped up to shush her.

"Stop!" Petra whispered harshly, panic in her eyes. "He could hear you!"

You highly doubted he would've walked all the way to the end of the hall where the girl's barracks were, but you nodded your head in agreement just to be safe. The man was a ghost.

"Oops... Anyway! I was trying to get Bert to fight me after lunch that day. He's so big and lanky, I thought it might be funny to see him try to swing a punch." She bit her cheek trying to contain a laugh. "Then Reiner came around the corner as I was about to pretend to kick Bert. But I kicked Reiner in the shin. He didn't like that apparently and pinned my arms behind my back! How rude, right?"

Krista blinked at her, unsure of what to say.

"I guess his swearing brought the Captain down on us because then we got stuck washing the windows during dinnertime!" she looked scandalized and took another enormous bite as if to compensate for her missed meal.

"So then," she said through a mouthful of chicken, "We're up there with our gear and he's at the window next to me and I see his legs shaking. So I was joking saying 'is someone afraid of heights?' and he glared at me and told me to shut up! I feel like if he wasn't he would've just laughed it off, right?"

Petra nodded, deep in thought. "I wonder why he would join the Scouts then if he doesn't like heights? The MP's would've been his best bet when it comes to that..."

You shrugged.

"Maybe he's just as much of a suicidal maniac as Eren,"

The girls laughed.

"Eren really does have a death wish. It always bothers me how freaking impulsive and hard-headed he is. What's so hard about trusting your teammates every once in awhile?" Petra huffed, flourishing her hands, "He just needs to drop the hero complex and take a chill pill."

"Just because he's a titan doesn't mean he can do everything himself..." added Sasha.

Even Krista nodded in agreement.

You suddenly felt defensive. You didn't mean for this conversation to turn into shit-talking Eren, you had only mentioned him since it was everyone's favorite joke in the 104th. Your face was warming up so you turned away to look out the one grimy window your little room had. They did have a point, but as you gradually become good friends with him over the years, you could argue his intentions weren't always selfish. Sure, he was impulsive and quick-tempered, but at the end of the day, he was just trying to help. No one really took the time to look past his aggressive persona. You also knew he was a kind person when he was calm. Back in your cadet days, you had noticed that he always aided Armin with carrying his books to and from lessons and that he was very eager to assist you with the saddle earlier.

"-weird as hell that he can just _bite_ his _hand_ and boom, a 15-meter titan just materializes-"

"Alright guys, I'm gonna go to bed," you said sharply, cutting someone off midsentence.

If they noticed your annoyed edge, they didn't say anything. The girls wished you goodnight and you climbed the rickety ladder into the comfort of your sheets. You grabbed your pillow and placed it over your face to block out the light and conversation. At least they were considerate and lowered the volume a bit.

You laid there for awhile, something was bothering you. An itch you couldn't scratch and it was driving you crazy. You couldn't quite put your finger on what. You tossed and turned in the sheets, mulling it over in your mind, but it still alluded your grasp.

But just as sleep was about to take you, a single thought made its way into your head.

_Why do I care so much what they think about Eren?_

~~

The next morning flew by surprisingly fast. Everyone was up and ready bright and early, eager to get to work. It must've been the prospect of having freedom by midafternoon that passed the time quicker. After everybody was done hauling crates of supplies back and forth to the supply wagons from the warehouses and having lunch, you were dismissed for the rest of the day.

Everyone at your table had formed into a group and were in the process of making plans of where to go and what to do. By then, you had let loose a little more and began to enjoy yourself since your days off-duty were far and few between. You deserved this. All of you were crouched on your knees on the long wooden benches, huddled over the table looking at a city map.

Connie was pointing at a spot toward the east. "Ooh, Sasha and I went here last time and they had really good cakes!"

Sasha nodded vigorously in agreement. "They even had chocolate! _No one in any other district has chocolate!"_

Now that caught your interest.

Jean rubbed his chin and tapped at a point toward the city center. "Hmm, since it's the weekend, there'll be a bunch of vendors and shops open around the square if anyone wants to look around."

Sasha raised a hand high in the air.

"Yes?" asked Jean with a humored glance.

She folded her hands neatly on the table and gave him a pointed look. "Will there be vendors selling food?" 

"Yes, Sash, there will be. And by the way, a few of them sell chocolate," he answered with a gleam in his eye.

She beamed at him.

"I'd like to stop at this shop here if everyone's alright with that, I heard they sell ornate quills!" piped up an excited Armin.

Eren clapped his hands together. "Alright people, looks like we've got a lot of things to do! Better get moving now before it gets any later," he said standing up from the table while Mikasa rolled up the map. The rest of you followed suit and made your way out of the old stone building. 

The summer day was mild and the sun warmed your skin the second you stepped out of the shade. You took a moment to stretch and breathe in while your friends bounded over. On your way to the square, everyone was in high spirits and you passed the time by telling personal horror stories about Keith Shadis. Everybody but you and Mikasa had been scared shitless from initiation; Connie was lifted by his head, Armin was screamed at and spit on, and Sasha with _the_ _incident._ But she refused to talk about it. Jean told everyone about the bruise Shadis left on his forehead from the headbutt and said he thinks he left a permanent dent. You all laughed and Eren even had the nerve to ask if he could check.

As the lot of you made your way down the cobblestone streets, you took in the city around you. Looking up, you saw signs hanging from chains advertising anything from quaint little boutiques to blacksmiths. It almost looked like home in some aspects, but Stohess was a completely different layout. A pang of homesickness hit you and you accidentally let your thoughts drift to your family. _No, not now._ You turned back to your friends to clear your head of any remaining sadness and listened to Connie's recalling of a failed prank on Shadis that involved a fishing pole and a pickle.

Soon enough, the sounds of a bustling marketplace came into earshot and a grand fountain crossed your field of vision. As you turned the corner, the packed buildings opened up into the vast square, full of shoppers and merchants alike. There was a patch of green grass over to the side where children were running around, playing with one another, and rolling in the soft turf as if it were an open field.

"Woah," you exhaled, taking in the colorful booths and mouthwatering smells rising in the air from every angle. You weren't the only impressed one, however. Everybody else looked on in wonder while Jean stood off to the side, smiling and taking pride in his hometown. Nearby, people haggled over prices, and others walked by weighed down with shopping bags. Normal people living normal lives. And today, you were one of them.

The thought excited you.

Immediately, Sasha and Connie ran off toward the nearest booth with food. The rest of you walked a little further in to look around a bit, waiting to buy a snack until later since you just ate not that long ago. But leave it to those two and their bottomless stomachs to disappear at the sight of food.

A table of beautiful reflective glass-beaded jewelry caught your eye, so you stepped aside while your friends continued on and reached down to finger the smooth bracelets.

"Pretty necklace for a pretty girl?" a wobbly voice asked.

You looked up to see a tiny older woman with gray hair smiling up at you, a white beaded necklace in her outstretched palm. You gave her a sweet smile in return.

"How much is it?" you asked, admiring the craftsmanship.

She named her price and your eyes widened in alarm.

"I don't have that kind of money, I'm sorry ma'am!"

A figure walked up behind you and a heavy arm draped around your shoulders.

"We're soldiers," Eren explained to her since you were dressed casually with the exception of your boots. "We'll come back after we win the war and have more than enough money to buy whatever we'd like." He flashed her a charming smile and you could visibly see her melt.

"Of course you will, dear." She simpered. "Not like your girl needs a necklace to be pretty anyway," she said giggling, waving you two away.

Eren's green eyes were kind as the two of you turned to move on. "Yes ma'am,"

Heat spread throughout your body at his agreement and close proximity. You shoved him playfully and said goodbye to the woman.

"Oh please, Eren." You rolled your eyes and chucked as he bumped you back with his hip.

His arm snaked further around you as you made your way back to the others a little way ahead. Armin was fawning over a stand of rich leather journals and behind him, everyone else was admiring strange jars of thick amber liquid. Tilting your head in question, you joined them. Connie was the first to notice your return and his face was alit with joy.

"It's called honey!" he told you.

Sasha added on without looking away from the glass. "It comes from outside the walls, bees make it! My village would sometimes find it in the forest, but it was really rare to find a whole hive!" She was practically drooling on the tablecloth. Jean was handing coins to the merchant and tucking a small jar into his satchel. And as Armin joined you with a new journal in his arms, Sasha was buying the biggest jar she could carry.

The shopping continued for awhile. Booth after booth you found new treasures and trinkets, purchasing some to take back to personalize your little corner of the dorm. You had just bought a small silver locket and stowed it in your satchel for safekeeping. Then out of nowhere, something bounced against your shoe. You looked down in surprise and a young black-haired girl stumbled over to retrieve it.

"I'm sorry, miss!" she exclaimed, dashing to grab the stone beside your foot. When she had it in her palm, her warm chocolate eyes met yours and her face lit up.

You were taken aback momentarily by their resemblance to _his._

"Hey, do you wanna play with us?" the girl asked eagerly, not noticing your hesitation.

For a second you were confused about what she meant, but looking behind her you saw several other children playing what looked like hopscotch on an open portion of the stone street. They were jumping around gleefully into the colorful squares and cheering each other on. You had to admit, it did look kinda fun and childhood you was envious.

But you had places to go. "I-" you sputtered, trying not to hurt her feelings. "I need to get back to my friends!"

The girl's face fell, but enthusiasm took over her features immediately. "They can join us too!"

"Join what?" asked Jean's deep voice strolling up behind you, hands in his pockets.

"Hopscotch!" said the girl in a sing-song voice.

A devilish plan was forming in your head. You beamed at her. "You know what, just for a few minutes!"

After all, you couldn't let her down; not when she looked and acted so much like the boy you used to love. The only thing missing was the freckles. She jumped up and down and clapped her hands, grinning back at you with little teeth while Jean looked at you apprehensively from your sudden change of tune. 

The girl sped off and you grabbed his wrist, startling him by yanking his hand out of his pocket and tugging him along with you. By the time he began to stammer excuses, the group of kids was smiling up at the two of you expectantly.

A little boy pressed forward and stood in front of Jean, leaning his head way back. "You're big!"

His face was priceless. "...Yes."

The boy grabbed his hand and shoved the smooth stone into it. "You can go first."

Jean stared at it.

You and the other kids giggled as he blew the air from his cheeks and gave into his fate. He knew there was no way out because you'd drag him back kicking and screaming either way. He tossed the stone and it landed right inside the line of number eight. He gave a slow blink and bent his knees.

When he clumsily jumped forward, everyone burst out laughing. His balance was terrible for the boy who was first in your class for mastering ODM gear. He could maneuver flawlessly through cities or tight trees but couldn't hold his balance on foot? Now that was hilarious. He resisted the urge to swear and hit number seven, wobbling on one boot for a moment before hopping to eight, turning around and almost falling flat on his face. You were doubled over with laughter and the children were howling alongside you.

"There you go, Jean! I had no idea you knew how to play!" you yelled to him.

The kids must've heard you wrong because they began to chant "John".

He growled in response.

Somehow, he grabbed the stone and made it all the way back without tripping over his own feet, handing it over to the girl (whose name you learned was Claire). Claire then pressed it into your palm, wrapping your fingers around it with her small hand.

"Your turn!" It was your time to shine.

You gave her a self-assured grin as you stood up and began to exaggerate stretching. "Just so you know," your fingers touched your toes, "back in Stohess, I was the hopscotch champion of my neighborhood!"

Jean made a noise of indignation and a few of the kids looked at you skeptically. "Show us then!" yelled a red-haired girl with braids.

Closing one eye, you aimed, tossing the stone underhand. It landed squarely on number ten. You jumped, extending your legs in and out at a fast pace. You plucked the stone from the ground and turned back, even adding a cocky spin at the end.

"Ta-da!" you placed a hand on your hip and handed it over to the next person.

The children were looking at you in wonder, even the girl with the braids. Jean just had amusement written all over his face.

"I've never seen someone do that so fast!" gasped someone from the back. You took a dramatic bow.

While the rest of the kids took their turns, you settled on the edge of the grass with Jean, your knees bumping together occasionally. The two of you watched and laughed along with them between your own conversations. Sitting there under the cloudless blue sky was enjoyable, you needed to relax and unwind like this.

Eventually, it was his turn again. He had definitely improved and was halfway through the chalk squares when a taunting voice called out.

"Hey Kirschtein, pick up those feet!"

"You're just jealous of my form, Jaeger!" he barked without looking back.

Your head whipped around to see your friends standing to the side, they had finally noticed your absence. Some of them were trying to smother their grins while others were in hysterics. Eren stepped forward, grinning teasingly as Jean completed the game.

He stopped to wipe his brow. "You're up next, Eren."

Claire ran up to the boys with a look of wonder on her face.

"Wait! You're Eren Jaeger, the titan man!"

A rare expression of shyness crossed his eyes. He scratched the back of his neck and gave her a lopsided smile. "Yeah, I suppose that's me."

The other children gasped and whispered among themselves at their discovery. "Can you turn into one right now?" yelled a little blond boy with huge blue eyes.

"Don't be stupid, James!" said the girl with the braids stepping forward again, "He can't because we're watching him, he's probably too embarrassed!"

Eren's brows raised and he looked at you for help. You made a face and shook your head at him.

"I can't, I'm sorry," he said apologetically and they all groaned in disappointment, "But maybe next time I come back we can all go to the gate I blocked off and I can tell you the story."

Their excitement returned and the blonde boy named James ran up to him, tugging on his shirt. "Will you play with us now since you won't turn into a titan?"

The kids began to chant.

"Play with us! Play with us! Play with us!"

They continued until he stopped shaking his hands in defense. "Alright, alright," he gave in, allowing his smile to grow bigger. "Just one time and then we've gotta go. Someone's already been here long enough," He stalked forward and tugged a piece of your hair.

They hollered as he snagged the stone from a slightly peeved Jean's outstretched palm. He lined his feet up at the mark and sprung into the squares. Your own friend group started to root for him.

"Faster, Eren!" called Armin.

"Don't let Horseface beat your record!" Connie yelled playfully.

Onlookers were beginning to stare at the odd mix of children and young adults. Mikasa just shrugged back at them. Eren determinedly skipped back and jumped out of the chalk outline, arms reaching to the sky.

"How did I do?" he asked, bending down to Claire's height.

The crowd was collectively holding their breath. Her bright brown eyes were bursting with excitement. "Too slow!" she cried out.

There were cheers and shouts of outrage all around. The little boy who called him big scrambled over and tried to lift Jean's victorious fist in the air. Eren shook his head jokingly and took Jean's other hand to congratulate him.

You had your fun, but now it was time to go. The three of you rejoined your group and turned away, waving to Claire and the others.

"Goodbye!" they yelled over the crowd, eagerly waving back as you retreated into the stream of shoppers. You heard one last "bye John" and their small grinning faces disappeared from view. Your heart felt a little sad about leaving them. You hoped they would make the most of the rest of their childhood while they had it; you knew how easily those things could be ripped away.

It made you think of your own little brother who was still back in Stohess as far as you knew. He was only three years younger than yourself, but he would always be little to you. You tried not to think of him often, because when you did it only made you miss the good old days when he had your back. Your family had a falling out when you announced you were joining the cadets at dinner one night. The thunderous yelling and the sound of your dining room table overturning were still fresh in your ears. Your father had immediately flown into a fit of rage while your mother stood closeby, staring somewhere near her feet, eyes hollow. Your brother told you to expect those reactions after you told him the week before. Your then nine-year-old brother sat in a chair grim-faced and pale as a sheet while your family fell to pieces in front of your eyes. He was the only reason they didn't lock you in your room to keep you from leaving. Later on, after you stomped upstairs, he stood up for you in a way you couldn't. It was him who convinced them to begrudgingly let you go. Not like you didn't have a whole elaborate escape plan for the morning before enlistment day, but in the end, you didn't need it.

At the tender age of twelve, you slung your small rucksack of belongings over your back and walked away from everything you had ever known without looking back once. Because you knew if you had, you would've broken your resolve and stayed.

So now after years as a soldier, you learned to bottle up those feelings of yearning for home and stow them away in the depths of your being, never to see the light of day.

You shook your head to rid the unwelcome thoughts and caught up with your friends who had made their way ahead of you. The seven of you continued down the uneven cobblestones. Everyone was on their way toward the east section of the city to visit the bakery Connie had mentioned and other shops around the area. In front of you, Sasha was buckling under the weight of her honey jar and was refusing to listen to Armin's suggestions to drop it off back at the barracks.

It felt freeing to be roaming the city with your comrades. So much of your life was nonstop work and training your body, now you could finally breathe without having duties hanging over your head for the rest of the day and tomorrow. Your body felt light as you inhaled, like the birds you had always been envious of, soaring over the walls without worrying about what was on the other side.

And just as soon, your own walls came crashing down.

You stopped dead in your tracks, staring down the adjacent alleyway. A chill was seeping deep into your bones and you shivered involuntarily. Reliving the scene that played out here in this empty road left you feeling like you had just been shot. Your eyes began to sting and swimming through the blur, you saw Jean was standing rigidly off to the side.

His hard amber eyes connected with yours and you knew he had noticed as well.

You had been here before.

Eren and Connie were turning around puzzled to see where the two of you went. Soon enough everyone noticed you had fallen several paces behind and were immobile in the middle of the narrow street. Strangers were trying to squeeze past you, but you didn't even notice them brush your back when they passed. Your gaze was firmly planted on the ground.

"Hey, are you guys coming?" called Eren.

It took a few moments before Jean answered. And you were glad he did because there was no way you could've.

"We'll catch up with you in a bit."

Green eyes questioned the slight shake of his voice then flicked over to you, but the others just shrugged and moved on. He stood there giving you a fleeting look of concern you weren't aware of, then turned slowly and joined his friends. Their conversation started up again and it rang hollow in your ears. You must've still been staring down because a pair of polished brown boots entered your field of vision. You lifted your head to see a hand reaching out to you, Jean's face as stony as ever.

You took it and he murmured something so low you almost didn't catch it.

"We've got a stop to make."

~~

Back to the lively square you went, but the mood had shifted to something somber. The bright and breathtaking city center didn't look nearly as astonishing as it had been a mere thirty minutes before. Every vivid color seemed duller with this veil of gloom over your eyes. The crowd of people was starting to get on your nerves and the noise was making you want to scream. You just wanted to go home.

As you stepped through the busy market again hand in hand, you could detect the nervous energy running through his body underneath the tension. His body was stiff but his fingers drummed an anxious rhythm on your knuckles.

You took a deep breath to calm yourself first then stepped in front of him, reaching with your other hand to grab his fidgeting one. Now his significantly larger hand was cupped by both of yours. Gentle surprise touched his sharp features and he stopped walking. Lips parted, you glanced up at his face and told him the things he needed to hear right now.

"I'm here." Your fingers tightened around his. "I'm not going anywhere."

He blinked and took a moment to let your words sink in. Then he lifted his eyes from yours, giving a nearly imperceptible nod of his head. A slight sense of embarrassment took over and you stepped back to the side, eyes downcast again. You let go of him with one hand but he kept the other in his firm grasp, not allowing you to slip away.

He side-eyed you for a split second as he began moving again. You seemed not to know the effect your words had on him just now.

Eventually, you found a flower stand. The two of you surveyed the many variations of plants, from the ones with creeping vines and heart-shaped leaves to the perfumed flowers on the end of long curved stems.

"Do you know which ones?" he asked in a soft voice near your ear. You turned to see his face inches from yours.

"Tulips," you answered in a hushed tone. "But I don't know which color-"

"I do." His eyes searched yours for a moment and then he nodded.

You broke eye contact first and looked anywhere but at the male florist leaning over the counter to help you two. Jean dealt with the transaction and you vaguely registered his hand dropping yours to grab his wallet. A couple of moments later, a voice cut through your thoughts.

"Here you go!"

Two dozen yellow tulips were being handed to you by the bubbly florist. He gave you a knowing wink as you gathered them into your arms with a small "thank you".

"You two enjoy yourselves."

He didn't know a damn thing.

Your feet automatically took you back to the alley where you had originally stopped. You paused at the entrance and looked over the yellow petals in your arms at the man next to you who was just a boy the last time you had been here. He had changed and morphed into the still recognizable Jean you knew, but time had shaped his figure and emotions into something new. Something... different.

Just as it had done to yourself.

A sudden fear shot through you. The blood-soaked scene was still so fresh in your mind. You had relived it a thousand times in your nightmares, always gasping yourself awake in a cold sweat but never getting used to the horror of it. You began to tremble slightly. You couldn't move and your mouth was slightly agape, but words were failing you. Despite your earlier encouragement to Jean, you didn't want to move.

_I can't do this._

And Jean could tell. His heart squeezed at the sight of you shaking, he could tell you were trying to hide it. You looked so tiny and terrified at this moment, not like the cool, calculating soldier he knew so well. He knew that _you_ knew you had to do this. He was scared as hell himself but needed to help you somehow.

A warm hand was placed on the small of your back. Its pressure was comforting and familiar, so you let him gently guide you down the narrow pathway.

You were hemmed in on both sides by buildings reaching for the sky and it felt as if they were closing in on you. Your chest constricted. But you weren't really concerned if people were staring at you or not, because the alley was clear of townspeople. And to the people turning into opposite streets, you looked like a normal couple strolling through the city.

Two pairs of boots shuffled slowly along the same road. Counting the steps helped you settle your racing heart a bit. One, two, three, four. Still more to go. Twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen... Almost there. Twenty-one, twenty-two...

You came to a stop in front of the shop you had kneeled before years ago. 

The storefront had been renovated at some point from the previous wreckage, but you would still know it anywhere. 

Glancing down at the spot where he laid, there was no trace of the gruesome memory this place was tainted with. Only two sets of eyes knew. The cobblestones had been scrubbed clean of the dark blood that seeped into them. Scrubbed clean of the last remnants of life that drained out of him. The wood he was propped up against was gone once the shop had been redone to cover any grisly remains.

You couldn't look away and close your eyes otherwise the images would flash behind your eyelids like they always did, never allowing you a moment of peace. So you unloaded half of the flowers into Jean's arms and began to place yours on the ground at your boyfriend's final resting place.

Jean kneeled beside you and placed his own, one by one. You both took your time nicely arranging them, tucking in stray petals, and fixing crooked stems.

After the last tulip was placed, the two of you stood. For a long time, it was just solemn silence. His breathing and the steady rhythm of his heart were the only things you heard since he had you pulled close to his side. The smell of perfumed flowers began to rise in the air and it gave the lonely alley a sense of serenity.

Jean leaned his head down to rest atop yours and broke the silence.

"Sometimes I still can't believe Marco is gone," he murmured against your hair.

Your heart gave an aching throb. This was the first time either of you had heard his name spoken aloud in years. It was something like a taboo.

"Marco..." you whispered. The name felt strange falling from your lips. A single tear rolled from your eye. You didn't bother wiping the warm, salty trail it left as it dropped from your chin, speckling the ground. The arm tightened around you.

 _It shouldn't be like this,_ you thought angrily. He should still be here, wandering the city with you today. Giving people his signature dimpled smile. Playing hopscotch with you and the kids. Marco was the missing piece in your life, and the empty hole in your heart only grew with each passing day. It shouldn't have to feel weird simply saying his name; everything was all wrong.

But for the first time, the idea occurred to you that maybe he was better off this way. Then you were upset with yourself for the thought even crossing your mind.

"Jean."

"Mm?" His arm moved up and down your side in a soothing motion.

"Do... Do you think he's better off like this?" you asked tentatively.

He was silent. Maybe you shouldn't have said anything in the first place. You opened your mouth to explain yourself better but he answered before you could.

"I've thought about it before," he gave a deep sigh. "In some ways, I'm glad he hasn't had to experience all the hardships we've been through, hasn't had to cope with the feeling of loss like this... But at the same time, in all honestly, I really wanted us to come out of this war together. All three of us. So we could look back on it one day and say..."

"We did it," you breathed.

The street was hushed for a moment.

"I know deep down he's better off now, somewhere he can't be hurt anymore." His voice caught in his throat. Staring down at his boots, he spoke again.

"The hardest part is learning to let go."

You knew he was right.

Lifting your eyes, you peered into the pane of glass in front of you. The woman before you was in no way the broken and defeated girl who grieved in this very spot. You didn't realize during your time away from the city you had grown several extra inches, your body had become more toned and muscled, and you had fully grown up. Next, you took in the man with his arm wrapped protectively around your middle. Now he had definitely grown more than you had. His forlorn eyes met yours in the reflection and your lips turned up at the corners slightly. His worried brows settled and his expression shifted to something calmer.

A soft breeze rustled the petals at your feet. Jean's words helped you to see the truth of why you were here today. You were here to let go of the last bit of him you had been clutching to for the past several years. You weren't here to forget him, no. Never to forget. The freckled boy from Jinae would always be a part of who you were today and you thanked him silently for it.

You had come to this place to move on.

The last time you were here, your life had been destroyed. Now you stood here healing, your heart was on the mend. You were at crucial a turning point in your life.

All at once, you pulled your best friend into a tight embrace. He clutched you back firmly, burying his face in the crook of your neck. This was how things were meant to be.

You let go and found peace.


	5. Perception

The horizon was gradually turning from flaming orange to a deep navy by the time you left to find everyone. Gaslit lampposts were flickering to life on dim street corners with a click as the two of you made your way to the part of the city where you knew the others would be. Trost was suddenly becoming more active as the day faded into darkness. People pushed past in their evening attire ready to head to the bar or listen to a live performance outdoors somewhere, so it became a little more difficult to spot who you were looking for.

Until you heard them, that is.

Raucous laughter arose from the middle of the bustling crowd. Jean looked at you and raised his eyebrows in amusement. You both knew those voices could only belong to your dear idiot companions.

You followed the sound of their voices through the mob until you reached a small opening by a store-lined wall. There was a wooden bench and you spied some of your friends lounging on it while others stood around, joined by a few extra faces as well. Ymir caught your eye as you squeezed your way through the crowd. A slight smirk touched her lips.

"Well look who's back."

Everyone's attention shifted over to you and Jean when you finally reached them. They greeted you warmly, hands slapping backs and arms yanking you into the group where some were standing. Reiner had already pulled Jean away into a conversation and you heard a muffled "dude, you smell like flowers". Along with him and Ymir, Krista and Bertolt had joined at some point during the time you had been gone. 

You were busy trying to steady yourself and not step on anybody's feet in the tight-knit throng of people you were forced into when a deep voice above you leaned down and spoke close.

"Hey."

Alarmed, you nearly jumped into him but he just threw his head back and laughed, holding your shoulders steady with large stable hands.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you," a brown-haired head tilted into your peripheral vision and observed your face.

Tucking a strand of hair behind your ear, you gave him a slightly sheepish smile. "No, you're good, I'm just jumpy." You turned toward him a bit and tried to drown out the background. "So what have you guys been up to?"

Eren had to bend down a little more to talk to you because the numerous other conversations were deafening. You made yourself as tall as you could and lifted your head so you could hear him better when he replied.

"Well, we went to some dusty-ass bookstore for Armin first, some old guy tried to sell me a book about styling man-buns," he made a face before continuing, "then we ran into them." He gestured with his head to the newcomers. "Kinda talked a bit and just got back from the bakery a little while ago. We've just been hanging out here since waiting on you and Jean."

As if that reminded him, his eyes filled with worry.

"By the way, are you alright? When we left, you looked kinda upset."

His genuine concern brought on another smile. "Ah, don't worry about me, I'm better now."

"I mean it!" you added when he gave you a look.

And you truly did mean it. It was astonishing just how free you felt. You had been unshackled from misery and desolation and it felt... Liberating. The veil of despair had been lifted and you were seeing things with new eyes.

Including Eren.

His soft face showed apprehension. "Hmm, if you say so."

Just as quickly, it lit up.

"Hey! I haven't eaten my honeybun from the bakery yet, do you want some?"

You were going to be polite and decline so he could enjoy it, but your stomach chose that moment to protest against your kindness. Your eyes widened in embarrassment but he just chuckled, grabbing the bag from somewhere you couldn't see. "I'll take that as a yes."

The paper bag opened and a delightful syrupy sweet smell wafted into the air. One inhale was enough to have your mouth watering. And when he was handing you half, you didn't hesitate to take it.

When the warm, sugary pastry touched your tongue, you closed your eyes and groaned in satisfaction. But before you could even swallow, a reddish-brown head popped over your other shoulder.

"Can I haaave some?"

"Oi Sasha, back off! You already ate half of the display cake!" yelled an exasperated Eren, leaning in front of you to see her.

Sasha was raising her hands ready to argue back but Mikasa stopped her in time, tempting her with some of her own dessert. Luckily, she managed to lead her a bit away so she couldn't bother you and you shot her a grateful glance. The main reason you had lost so much weight over time was because of that girl.

Eren's thick brows were pulled together and irritation had taken over. "My god," he muttered through a bite of dough.

Now that it had become fully dark while everybody stood there, the nightlife around you was only increasing. Complete strangers were nearly pressing into you and it made you slightly uneasy. You knew crowds could be bad. Luckily, somebody suggested going to a nearby pub and everyone was in agreement to go. It was getting late and everybody needed a drink.

A bell clanged overhead when the heavy door swung open and the mob of soldiers tromped in. The strong smell of beer nearly knocked you off your feet as soon as you stepped foot into the tavern. You were halfway glad no one heard you swear over the sound of blaring conversations and the people playing various instruments to your right. Patrons and servers alike milled about over the creaky wooden floor and bottles of miscellaneous spirits adorned the walls. Once again you found yourself elbowing through a thick crowd. You lost sight of the majority of who you came with, but you caught sight of a few comrades and it seemed Reiner had found a corner booth. Some of the boys were tugging a smaller table and several chairs over since there were too many of you to fit.

Eventually, they got everything set up and everyone began grabbing chairs or slipping into the red leather booth. Your hands gripped the back of an available seat ready to pull it out, but somebody called your name over the din.

You looked around for the source until your eyes landed on Eren who was beckoning you over. He was splayed out at the end of one side of the booth, arm slung over the back cushion. The opposite side was filling up fast, so you hurried over to snag the spot beside him. As you slid yourself over, he took your arm and drew you nearer as Reiner's burly body closed you in. He collided into your side and nearly forced you into Eren's lap.

Flustered, you began to apologize as you tried to move back onto the remaining seat you had. "Sorry, I don't have any more room on that side so I can't-"

He cut you off with a breathy chuckle that tickled your collarbone and made your stomach flip. "I don't mind."

He was very close.

That didn't help your current state. Thankfully, you were saved by the waitress arriving to take drink orders. Actually no, nevermind, she did not save you; in fact she made things worse. As she jotted down what everybody wanted, the male Scouts were observing her low-cut uniform displaying her breasts while the girls rolled their eyes in annoyance. Knowing they dressed that way and flirted just to drum up business irritated you as well and always had. You were feeling slightly insecure by the time she got to you, so when she looked up from her notepad with an unfriendly scowl, you shook your head. You didn't feel like having anything after that. Immediately, she moved onto taking Eren's order. She gave him an award-winning smile, twisting her long hair around a finger, so you immersed yourself in a nearby conversation to ignore her.

When she turned to leave, they all watched her from behind, elbowing each other and chuckling. You sat there disgruntled and couldn't help but peek at Eren, seeing if he was observing her retreating form as well.

But you were surprised when you saw his eyes completely locked on you.

He gave you a haughty smirk as if he could practically read your mind. You weren't sure if his titan abilities reached that far or not and you weren't sure you wanted to know. Suddenly, he reached up and tauntingly stroked a thumb along your jaw.

"You're cute when you blush."

Your eyes widened in alarm at his words and the oh so sweet sensation of his skin on yours. You wanted more and the somewhat intrusive thought made you flush even deeper.

"I am not!" You didn't know why you shoved his hand away.

"I'm _not blushing_ " you reiterated after the doubtful look he shot you.

He simply laughed and it sent tremors down your spine, so you shook your head to clear your thoughts and rejoined your previous conversation.

You would ignore that.

Not too long after, flagons of golden-colored beer were being passed around and you started to regret your hasty decision. Now a drink sounded pretty good. Mugs were raised and Connie stood up on his chair to yell, hands cupped around his mouth.

"To the Scouts!" Applause filled the booth and fists rose in the air. A sudden fire lit in his eyes, "And most importantly to the brave soldiers who gave their lives for the cause!"

Shouts and cheers rang out around your group and glasses clinked against one another, sloshing white foam onto the already stained tabletops. In your mind, you saw the freckled boy crammed into the too-small booth with your friends and you knew he was cheering along with you somewhere. You looked down at the table and smiled to yourself.

A frothing tankard was set in front of you and you turned in puzzlement to see Eren's receding arm.

"Why are you giving me yours?" you asked incredulously.

"I'm not," he cocked an eyebrow and held up his own drink. "I bought you one since you didn't order anything."

He took a long sip and openly observed you over the rim. You pressed your lips together and stared back at your drink to avoid looking at him, watching condensation roll down the glass and pool around the bottom.

"I have money, you didn't need to do that. Plus, you already shared your dessert earlier," you said quietly. Whenever people bought you things, you always felt guilty. You always thought they should save their money and spend it on something worthwhile.

His mug hit the surface and he leaned back further into the corner, propping an arm on the back of the booth. "You looked kinda mad at that waitress, so figured I'd buy you something to loosen up. You've got the rest of today and pretty much all of tomorrow off, might as well enjoy it."

"I wasn't mad at her!" you blurted. A slight frown entered his features.

"Really? Well, I wouldn't blame you if you were by the way she looked at you. Bitch." He muttered the last part darkly and took another mouthful of beer.

You couldn't help but snort. Glad you weren't the only one who saw it.

"By the way, Eren," you said when he set his drink back down again, pointing at his face, "you've got a little something _there_."

A line of bubbly white foam was below his nose and he crossed his eyes to try and see.

"Hmm, can't see it. Get it for me?" he asked in such a falsely sweet tone it made you giggle.

You rolled your eyes and leaned close, swiping his upper lip slowly with your thumb. Maybe you were happy for the excuse to touch him. What you weren't anticipating, however, was him grabbing your wrist before you could pull away and quickly sweeping his tongue up the length of your finger. He grinned devilishly as your jaw dropped in surprise at his sudden action.

Now this you couldn't ignore.

Luckily, you managed to briskly compose yourself and clamp your mouth shut. You dug an elbow into his ribs and gave a small nervous laugh. Oh god, how you needed this drink.

Grabbing your tankard by the handle, you downed about half of it in one go. The crisp, grainy liquid poured down your throat and you were glad for the distraction. You silently willed it to give you courage.

~~

And give you courage it did. Your second nearly empty drink thumped against the table and you sighed in pleasure. You were never one to have a high tolerance and you knew when enough was enough. Still wanting to be able to function tomorrow, you limit yourself to two, which was just enough to feel carefree but not _entirely_ drunk. The alcohol was running through your veins by then and you felt much more at ease.

As did everybody else it seemed. The table pushed up to the booth was shaking violently from the pounding of fists while Sasha and Ymir were locked in a battle of who could knock back the most shots. They currently had shot glasses to their lips, swallowing down the vile liquid with a retch. Cups slammed down and chasers were hastily swigged. You couldn't help but think about how they were going to regret this tomorrow. Jean, Connie, and Reiner had tapped out some time ago, which was probably for the better. You knew Jean could hold his drink well but even he knew his limits. You were surprised Eren didn't join in, but you supposed he was occupied enough with you practically curled up in his lap. His larger body was radiating warmth, giving you a sense of protection in the jam-packed tavern.

Reiner seemed to notice your cozy state. He turned next to you and tilted his head back in disbelief.

"Really, out of everyone you dig Titan Boy?"

You were still sober enough to be embarrassed by his words. You buried your face in Eren's fleecy shirt, giving a muffled groan. "Reinerrr."

Annoyance took over Eren's previously relaxed composure and a strong arm tightened around you.

"Well, Reiner," he started a little too casually and a hand brushed down your bare arm, sending goosebumps over your skin. "We could always fight this out, but I think I might accidentally squash you since I'm about 15 meters and you're what... 180 _centimeters_? Maybe I'm wrong but let me know and we'll find out."

He returned to his drink and the blond man's eyebrows shot up high on his forehead. He looked like he wanted to say something else, but he didn't. He just turned away and started talking to Armin across from you. Mikasa was beside him and you noticed her eyeing you through her curtain of dark hair with something that looked like contempt.

You contemplated why as you played with the ties on Eren's shirt.

He seemed to be getting cockier with every new drink and you were just grateful Jean was probably all the way at the other end of your group. At least you thought so, you couldn't see.

 _Oh my god, he would be so pissed if he saw how close I am to Eren,_ you thought suddenly. You could easily imagine his eyes flashing violently and the sneer he always wore around him. It made you want to laugh in a way, so you snuggled closer into his welcoming embrace.

You heard a long sigh above you and his forehead came down to rest against the side of your own head.

"Are you sure you don't want me to buy you another drink? I think you're still sober..." his husky breath tickled your cheek and you gave an involuntary shy grin.

"And that's exactly how I'd like to stay," you retorted, angling your neck to see his face. 

What you saw caught you off guard.

You didn't know if it was your newfound freedom or if being a little intoxicated had anything to do with it, but he took your breath away. He was so close that you could count each individual lash that brushed his cheeks. Small locks of brown hair fell over his viridescent eyes that shone even in the dimness of your secluded corner. Bright white teeth were barred in a playful smile and a subtle flush tinged the bridge of his nose.

The roundness of his eyes contradicted his sharp jaw and strong chest. You didn't know how one could look so innocent yet so very tantalizing. You had _known_ he was handsome, but right now... he looked truly alluring.

"Huh." You hoped he hadn't noticed you goggling at him. "I couldn't ever guess why. I mean, it might be nice to see you let loose and have some fun for once..." he trailed off, glancing anywhere but at you.

Heat pooled in your stomach and through the haze of drinks, you still managed to feel slight embarrassment. _Was this his way of saying he liked you? And why were you hopeful he did...?_

Somehow you managed to tease him back.

"Another time," you said lowly so only he could hear, painstakingly slowly dragging your gaze down his torso and stomach, stopping at his belt.

Something like desire flickered behind his turquoise eyes as he stared intensely into yours. God, you hoped it wasn't because of the alcohol.

"Ha!" a drunken shout echoed through the pub and the sound of glass smacking against a counter reached your ears, startling you out of your arousal. Past Reiner's bulky chest you could see Ymir's self-assured smirk while she propped her boots up and leaned back in her chair. The others clapped her on the shoulders, announcing her the winner and congratulating her while Sasha was nearly passed out on the table, ponytail spilled around her uncomprehending face. Connie was shaking his head and massaging her neck, and over the cheering, you heard a faint 'you'll get 'em next time'.

The sudden outburst made it as if nothing just happened. But you couldn't forget.

And you had no idea it would be the only thing his mind would replay when he laid in bed that night.

"Maria, they're going to feel that later," Eren mumbled, forehead scrunching a bit.

"And so will you if you continue that," you commented, gently pushing the booze in his grasp back down next to the several empty glasses.

His shoulders bounced in a silent laugh and he set it down, choosing to wrap the arm that wasn't slung over your shoulders lazily around your hips instead, forcing you sideways over his lap.

Maybe he was hoping you'd feel what you had done to him, but as of now he just wanted you closer.

Sitting there with your side against his chest and being tucked safely under his arm made you realize how much you had missed this sort of thing over time. Your military-worn heart was tough, but deep inside there was always the part of you who simply wanted to be held. And as you thought about it, Eren was probably the same way. His closest friends weren't necessarily touchy people and his mother had died when he was just a child. He probably hasn't had somebody to hold tight in a long time. Therefore, you didn't hesitate to lay your head on his chest

The music from the corner had gradually turned into something slower and jazzier as the night wore on. Strangers were swaying to the rhythm while others were full out dancing to an entirely different intoxicated tune in their delirious heads. Some were chatting at the bar and some were fighting by the staircase leading to the cellar where a frightened bartender stood with a new bottle of gin as punches were swung just in front of his nose. The later it got, the louder the tavern became.

And more dangerous.

You began to feel uneasy. As Scouts, you were supposed to be responsible. Obviously, today was _somewhat_ of an exception since you had no work to do in the morning, but as brawls continued and more drunkards joined in; things were becoming a little untamed. You were supposed to watch for unsafe situations as Levi had taught you and even to your buzzed mind things were looking that way. You had a number of temperamental trained soldiers with you who all but looked for a fight most of the time. Not to mention the hot-head you were snuggled up with. People trained in combat mixed with alcohol? Not the best idea.

And when a bottle smashed over someone's head two tables over, you decided enough was enough. As shards of glass rained onto the floor, a few of your more sober friends were looking around nervously and you caught both Krista and Armin's worried gazes. You could tell they were just as anxious as you.

Armin spoke up first. It was a little unusual to hear his normally timid voice raised over the deafening patrons, but his message was received. People nodded in agreement and chugged the last of their beverages, slapping coins down against the abused wooden tabletops. Relief flooded your body and you were happy to see them choosing to be smart about it despite their drunk states.

You peeled yourself from Eren's embrace. Then sliding out of the booth after Reiner, you gradually made your way to the door. As a few people ahead of you were exiting, an elbow was recklessly sharply drawn back to punch just in front of you, catching you completely off guard. You gasped and an arm swung out from somewhere behind you just as the stranger's elbow nearly collided with your temple, holding it steady inches away from you.

You turned in alarm to see a just as surprised Jean staring back at you. He came to his senses before you as the angry man spun on the two of you. He threw the man's arm back at him with a look of scorn.

"Watch it."

At least the man had the decency to look ashamed as Jean set a hand on your lower back, splayed fingers telling you to keep walking.

Outside, the air was significantly cooler. The moon had risen some time ago, poking through the dense clouds and you inhaled the fresh air. After being in the stuffy bar it felt energizing. You looked around to thank Jean, but somehow you lost him. So instead you turned your gaze around you to see your friends stumbling and cackling at a joke you didn't catch. Then you saw Eren shutting the door behind himself and come toward you.

"Hey, what the hell happened?" he asked once he reached you, fiery eyes wide.

You were still a little frazzled from the encounter, but you answered with a casual shrug. "Some moron was fighting someone and wasn't watching where he was going."

The others had started to move at a leisurely pace ahead of you, so you slid your hands into your pockets and began to follow.

A tiny bit of anger disappeared from his face "Oh, okay. All I saw was Jean holding a guy's arm and it looked like the guy was fighting you. I was about to come beat him up but I couldn't reach you in time."

You nodded and kicked a rock along the street.

"Wait," he said suddenly. He caught up with you and forced you to stop and turn toward him. Gentle hands searched your face for any indication of injury. "You're not hurt, are you?"

You opened your mouth to answer but a passing voice answered for you.

"No."

Eren's thumb was stroking your bottom lip as the pair of you faced Jean. He strolled ahead pretending not to notice, chin raised high, falling into step with Bertolt and Reiner further on down the path.

"Prick." Eren scowled, hands dropping to his side as he stalked forward with you to not be left behind.

~~

The walk back to headquarters was noisy. An irritable Ymir was being held up by a wobbling Krista while Sasha and Connie loudly sang a song about spiders next to them. At some point, she yelled at them to shut up because she had a headache, to which they sang louder in return. Everyone was enjoying themselves, howling with laughter about something on unsteady feet over the uneven cobblestones. Even Mikasa was smiling with the rest of them.

Sasha and Connie eventually started up again, both of them completely off tune.

"The itsy, bitsy SPIDER-"

"I **will** puke on you guys." Ymir's final threat echoed off the nearby houses.

You and Eren took up the rear, quietly laughing at the others. He had calmed down by then and was currently leaning back slightly to see the stars past the clouded sky. Your hands had found each other's during the stroll, so you both walked with your arms gently swinging between you.

He was the first to break the stretch of silence. "In some ways, this reminds me of Shiganshina."

"It reminds me of Stohess as well," you admit, listing your head.

He tilted his head downward to look at you instead. "You never talk much about your life before all this, so I don't know much about your family. Do they still live there?"

You pondered whether or not to answer him. Deciding it was only fair since you knew his story, you told him.

"Yeah, I do. I'm fairly certain my brother is still there, he might take a job elsewhere though. In his last letter to me, he mentioned he chose to become a doctor." The corners of your lips pulled up into a small smile. "When we were little he always wanted to be one and would pretend to bandage my arms and legs or take my temperature."

He nodded and shuffled his feet. "My father was a doctor. How about your parents, are they still there?"

The smile fell and you bit the inside of your cheek, watching the ground. "My father is still there as well. My mother passed away about a year ago."

During spring last year, you had received a letter informing you of your mother's death. You remembered it had been the day before an expedition, a breathless postal worker rode up to you in Karanes with an urgent delivery while you were supplying the wagons with extra gas tanks. You then had to finish working before you could grieve alone and were forced to ride in a guilty heartbroken daze the next day outside the walls. You never got to apologize to her and never would be able to. It's a wonder you made it back alive being so distracted, but you never told a soul except for Jean after you returned.

Things became quiet again after and you worried that you had made him uncomfortable, or worse yet, brought his own tragic recollections to mind. But a tight squeeze of your hand made the worries all but disappear. He did that as a simple gesture to let you know that he felt your hurt. He knew that empty words of consolation could never bring anyone back.

After all, no one understood that better than him.

"Tell me about your mom," you blabbed.

His head swiveled to give you a look of interest and your free hand flew to your mouth in embarrassment.

"Sorry, I-I mean what was she like? You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."

Shit, you didn't mean to be so straightforward. _That's what you get for drinking,_ you inwardly chastised yourself.

Fortunately, he seemed to be lost in thought over your question, dark brows furrowed.

"She was selfless," he said in a low voice after a few moments.

The two of you rounded a corner following your friends and you straightened the arm holding onto him to walk around a puddle. Once it was behind you, he tugged your hand to pull you closer and you stumbled into his side. He opted to wrap his arm around your shoulders with a sigh.

"I remember one time when I was a kid I got into a fight. Some assholes had stolen the book Armin's parents had given to them so I went to get it back."

In your head, you thought "get it back" was an understatement. Based on his track record, you knew he had a history of getting himself into unnecessary fights. And still did to this day. Trouble always seemed to find him and you were more than certain he went looking for it as well. You also knew he had killed two grown men at the tender age of nine with the same hands that had been touching your body tonight. The rational side of you thought maybe you should be worried about that fact, but your heart told you not to be concerned. Judging by the information he was sharing with you now, you figured he had kept it guarded for years. No heartless person would open up like this, right?

Eren continued, disrupting your train of thought.

"When I came home later on, I had a couple cracked ribs, a black eye, and split lip. But I got it back." He almost smirked. "It was late, but mom stayed up the entire night to keep an eye on me. She bandaged me up, made me tea, and gave me medicine my father had in the cabinet. He was away on an urgent call so he couldn't help her patch me up."

You puffed a short laugh through your nose at his story. "Your mother must've had her hands full with you. She sounded like a saint."

"Yeah," his voice became even quieter. "I was always a little brat. I never listened to her when she would tell me to stop getting into fights. I didn't even listen when she told me to run the day Shiganshina had fallen."

The humor had vanished from the conversation. You peered up at him and saw his eyes narrow as if something was being dragged up from the depths of his memories.

"You know," he started slowly, "when Mikasa and I showed up, she was trapped under a beam from our house. She told us to run, that we couldn't save her even if we could manage to free her. That her legs had been crushed."

He met your steady gaze with a faraway look as the large stone HQ building appeared around the next corner you turned.

"When the titan picked her up, over Hannes's shoulder I saw her kicking... I had only remembered recently and realized she lied to me."

His hand fell from your arms. Your eyes were wide as you came to a stop in front of a pillar.

"She lied to me to save my life, to get me to run. But I didn't listen."

His body was as stony as the building beside you. "That's the most selfless thing she did."

You didn't know what to say. The weight of what he just admit to you hung over your shoulders and kept your feet firmly planted in front of him.

"Eren, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to bring it up-"

"Don't worry about it," he brushed you off. When his intense eyes met yours again, they held newfound determination. "It made me remember what we're fighting for."

"Oi, are you guys coming or what?" interrupted Connie who was teetering ahead of you trying to hold open the door, bringing the conversation to a close.

Inside, the main hall was hushed since people were sleeping nearby. Your friends were saying their farewells for the night in quiet voices and giggles, shushing each other when somebody's voice would echo a little too loudly. Nobody wanted to have the wrath of Captain Levi rain down upon you all.

Especially not when over half of you showed up drunk as shit.

The boys were beginning to go their separate ways and that was Eren's cue to leave. The previously tense atmosphere had returned to casual after he said bye to Mikasa and a completely smashed Sasha, returning to your side for a moment.

He stopped and gazed at you, leaning his shoulder against the wall. He was obviously expecting you to say something first, but he was making you nervous again.

"I had fun tonight," you offered sheepishly, dragging your toe along the floor.

His face became soft. "I did too, I think we deserve this break."

Your lips turned up at the corners. "We sure as hell do."

The pair of you stood there for a few moments staring at each other stupidly. You were both stalling.

"Eren! Do I have to ask again? Oh my god!" came Connie's harsh whisper from across the hall.

His head twisted around to glare at him. "I'm coming!" he growled.

Eyes rolled and you chuckled, wrapping your arms around his neck to pull him into a hug. He returned your embrace eagerly, squeezing you tight. Tugging you closer, he leaned down, lips brushing your ear.

"Goodnight," he growled, this time in an entirely different tone than the one he used with Connie. Eren left you dazed and dashed over to catch up with Armin's retreating back. He gave one last glance over his shoulder to see your smaller form waving back at him.

He had no clue you were currently trying not to melt into a puddle at his rough voice.

After he faded from view, you hurried down the opposite hall. You mentally shook yourself and distracted yourself by falling into step with Krisa and Sasha. Mikasa and Ymir had already gone into their own room so you had to help poor Krista prop up an unresponsive Sasha so she wouldn't tumble into the wall and wake the entire Scout regiment. With one arm holding onto her for dear life, you twisted the doorknob slowly. As you entered the room, both of you looked at her empty top bunk. Panic flashed in Krista's eyes but you quickly shook your head.

No way in hell were the two of you trying to get her up there.

You ended up taking her to Krista's bottom bunk for the night, her boots dragging along the floor between you the whole way. She worked on tucking Sasha in, clothes and all, while you tried to slip off her boots.

Eventually, you got her settled and looked at each other's faces red from effort. Silently giggling, you hugged her goodnight.

~~

So you liked Eren.

Wait no, not liked. What was this, the cadets? You were a grown woman, you "had feelings" for him. You had finally come to terms with it and it was the scariest realization you'd had in a long, long time.

Once you had crawled into bed for the night, you were unable to turn your racing mind off and keep it silent. His face was bouncing off the walls inside your head and there was nothing you could do about it. You laid there in the dark and reflected on the night's events, letting his captivating eyes keep you awake.

The weight of his arm around you, the feeling of his large hand nearly swallowing your significantly smaller hand.

The way he growled in your ear.

You shivered under your warm covers. At the same time, you were having a difficult time detaching what his feelings were toward you. Was he just being nice and buying you drinks because he saw you were sad earlier or was he actually flirting but it was due to the alcohol?

Your blossoming hope faltered for a moment.

Then you started thinking about his day to day behavior. For the most part, he wore three different faces and rotated between them every day: anger, irritation, and smugness. And of course you knew he was kind, but he usually never let his softer expressions enter his face. But today you had seen the concern etched across it and knew there was something there.

In the years you had known him, he had always treated you with borderline hurtful sarcasm. And to be fair, you gave it right back to him. So he obviously knew it didn't offend you, which is probably how you became friends in the first place. But now that you thought about it, his mean-spirited side had been lacking toward you for quite awhile now. Like when you took him to the infirmary a few days ago, normally he would've called you something along the lines of a shitty caretaker, but he didn't. He even seemed grateful.

Or when you couldn't get on your horse. Actually, that wasn't the first time it had happened. Last winter, you slipped on Benjamin's stirrups and fell flat on your ass into the snow while Eren was off to the side nearly falling from his own horse laughing at your clumsiness. But now he was offering help? And tonight he had even called you cute. How were you not suspicious before?

You sighed and dragged your hands down your face. It had been a long time since you lied in bed deliberating if a guy had feelings for you or not. You couldn't say you missed the overthinking.

But you did miss the way your heart pounded at the prospect.

You had to do something about this, you couldn't sit here and think of him until the sun came up. Because you knew you were very capable of that. So you made the decision and sat up, shrugging off your sheets and descending down the ladder as quietly as possible since the room was silent and you didn't want to wake anybody up. Or get caught.

When you touched down, the room seemed a little _too_ silent; something was missing but you didn't know what. You stood still for a few seconds, making sure no one was watching you. But the girls were all fast asleep.

You deemed it safe.

Taking extra care to open the door quietly, you slipped through the small crack into the torch-lit hallway. Then holding your breath, you turned the knob from the outside and closed it painfully slow. Eventually, the sliver of light underneath the door disappeared and you exhaled to calm your hammering heart. You made sure to tiptoe, keeping your movements as quiet as a mouse.

Before you were halfway down the hall, the door latch fell into place and the metallic clang rang through the dead silent building.

You immediately dropped to the ground with your heart in your throat. Backing as close to the wall as you could, you waited for somebody to come around the corner and discover you sneaking out of your room.

A minute and a half passed and you thought you were in the clear until you heard something that could be footsteps sound from somewhere up ahead.

You were so fucked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Valentines Day!! How perfect that the date matched up when feelings are starting to come into play...  
> Just wanted to quickly add that I'm going to TRY to do post new chapters on Saturday nights and for reference, I'm in the USA. Also, I'm appreciating all the kind comments, I reread them every time I begin to write and it gives me hella motivation, so thank you thank you akjfg  
> Have a great day/night and thank you so much for reading! <3


	6. Unseeing

The sound ahead was approaching. And fast.

Quickly you weighed the options in your head. You were too far from your room to dart back in, there was no time. Plus you'd wake the girls up and whoever was coming would hear them. Sasha tended to scream bloody murder when awoken from a deep sleep so that idea was a bust. Or alternatively, you could cower here against the wood-paneled wall and hope nobody sees you?

No way, the torchlight would betray you in an instant. Though it was laughable, it was probably your best option at this point.  
  
But wait. What if it was Miche? He'd be able to smell you a mile away.

 _Shit._ You swore inwardly as the feather-light footsteps grew even closer, right about to round the corner ten feet from you. It wasn't Miche at all.

You knew exactly who it was.  
  
At the last possible second, common sense took control and you shot from the ground and began to move, feigning a yawn.  
  
You nearly bumped straight into the downright terrifying man standing with his arms crossed over his chest. Unlike your yawn, you didn't have to fake your alarm.  
  
"Sir!" you tried yelp quietly.  
  
Frigid gray eyes stared menacingly into your own. Although you knew you were one of his favorites, you were still frightened by him.  
  
"Explain."  
  
Somehow through your slightly intoxication-induced fog and panic, you managed to answer him. "I have to go to the restroom, sir," you tried your damnedest to not let your features betray you or sound suspicious. But that was never one of your specialties.  
  
He was probably reading the guilt written all over your face like one of his many books that lined the shelves in his office back home. Levi's eyes flicked down to your bare feet then back to your eyes. He paused before speaking.  
  
"Where are your shoes, soldier?" His silky tone held skepticism.  
  
You should've known it wasn't going to be that simple, he wasn't an idiot. You wracked your brain for the fastest excuse you could think of on the spot.  
  
"They're under Petra's bed, Captain," making sure to add a pained expression, you continued, "I didn't want to wake her up. I stored them there because it's such a small room and I like to keep it clean so we don't accidentally trip over things."  
  
 _Nice, play the cleanliness card. He'll eat that shit up,_ you thought to yourself. It seemed you had won him over with that and he stepped aside, allowing you to pass. You inclined your head as a quick respectful thank you and scurried to the female restrooms as fast as you could.  
  
Your hands immediately hit the metal basin and you drooped in exhaustion as the adrenaline finally started to wear off. That was a close one. Exhaling sharply, you began to think of your way out. You knew you had to wait roughly two minutes before leaving to not draw suspicion, so you stared at yourself in the water droplet stained mirror in front of you.  
  
Oh god, you looked kinda rough. While you examined your reflection, you figured maybe he felt bad for you and that's why he let you through. Fingers combed through your slightly tangled hair and you attempted to adjust your pajama shirt. A sudden panic flooded your veins as you did so and your arms flew to your chest. _Why did I choose to wear this one tonight? It's so low-cut!_

Great, now you could add nearly flashing your superior to your list of mistakes tonight.  
  
Now your plan was foiled _and_ you'd made a fool of yourself. You knew you had to conjure up a new idea since you couldn't just waltz out and keep walking all the way to the dining hall because if you knew Levi at all, he would still be out there to see if you were telling the truth. Sure, he pretended to buy your story, but you knew you couldn't deceive him nearly that easily.  
  
You stayed in the bathroom biding your time for a minute longer before squaring your shoulders and marching back the way you came.  
  
And you made the right decision. Just as you had predicted, the Captain was leaning against the wall between two doors with his arms still crossed and the back of his head was resting against the wood. His shadowed eyes cut over to you as soon as you trudged around the corner. You passed him with your head lowered and gave him a small "goodnight, sir". As the door began to creak shut at your back, you just barely caught his words.

"Don't let the bedbugs bite."  
  
You had to stop yourself from giggling once it closed, that had to be one of his worst fears if you were to guess.

Sliding to the ground, your legs sprawled out in front of you and you sat there on the floor for a good fifteen minutes just to make sure he left. Yes you were going back out and yes you would probably regret your actions!

But you definitely did not want a repeat of what just happened because you knew if he caught you again, your ass would be hanging from the flagpole before dawn.

Tapping your fingers lightly against the floor, you counted the seconds. Then the minutes until it you deemed it had been long enough.

You rose to your knees and bent over, pressing your cheek to the ground and trying to peer beneath the door to see if his boots were still guarding your room. There was nothing you could make out except the other dorm across from yours in the flickering light. 

Now, this next part wasn't something you were very proud of, but you snaked through the small door opening once more and took care to leave it open just a crack to prevent noise and to allow you to slip back in later. Pressing your shaking hands to the wood and breathing shallowly, you carefully began to turn.

"Oi."

You nearly jumped out of your skin and clapped a hand over your mouth to contain your shriek. Your pulse drummed in your ears and you fell into a crouch low to the floor.

Levi's irritated voice had come from somewhere further on down the corridor. He probably moved so you couldn't see him from under the door like he predicted you would do, the sneaky bastard.

You spun wide-eyed to face the dim hall with an apology ready to leave your lips. You were expecting to see his furious stance, but instead, you were met with a man with his own hands clamped tightly over his mouth as golden eyes streamed with tears of silent laughter.

Immense relief filled you so quickly you could've fainted right there. But it only lasted for a split second before it turned into burning rage. You stood and made your way over to him in three large strides, punching his arm as hard as you could. His shoulders were shuddering with the effort of trying to be quiet so you grabbed him by the bicep and yanked him down the corridor with you. Nails dug into his nightshirt as you forced him as quietly as possible down a maze of hallways and up several flights of stairs until you reached the topmost balcony of the old building. The heavy oak door bolted behind you, closing the terrace off from the rest of the place.

You swung him around to face you and before you could murder him, his hands fell away and laughter erupted from his chest. He gasped your name and doubled over, hands on his knees.

"You jumped so high, how did you do th-"

"What the hell were you thinking! I'm this close to killing you here and now," you hissed, still trying to keep the volume down. Anger was rolling in your stomach and you were so close to throwing him from the roof onto the streets below.

"Listen!" his laughs turned into a fit of unmanly giggles and he put his hands up in a defensive shrug. "I'm still a _little_ drunk. Plus that's kinda what you get for not looking around before leaving your room."

Your hand stretched out to grab his collar, forcing him to listen. "I don't care, you could've gotten us both in trouble, you fucking moron!"

Jean finally began to settle down as he read the infuriation etched into your snarling face. "Okay okay, I'm sorry. Not funny." He took another breath to compose himself and moved over to the wall, letting your hand fall from his shirt. "Levi's office is right next to my room and I heard him walk past, so I followed behind him a bit because I was curious what he was up to so late. Then I saw him talking to you and you walking to the bathroom afterward. So I put two and two together. I knew you would come back out of your room so I waited."

Your anger ebbed away a bit and you finally stopped shaking. From rage or fear, you did not know. Your pulse was finally returning to normal and your head began to hurt. The proud look on his face still annoyed you and you pinched the bridge of your nose.

There was still one more thing you didn't understand.

"Okay but..." your eyes narrowed, "How did you do his voice so well?"

He huffed and rested his elbows on the solid stone balustrade. "Lots of practice."

He looked back at you and smirked at the puzzled expression you wore. You came to stand next to him (not too close because you were still kinda mad) and it was quiet for a moment. It seemed his displeasure with you from earlier had been forgotten.

"You were coming to see me, weren't you?" he asked suddenly.

His question took you by surprise.

"Actually yeah, I was." The chilly night wind blew your hair into your face so you brushed it out of the way and turned your attention to the city below.

It was dark and there was no light, with the exception of gaslit streetlamps. In the houses stretched before you, families were sleeping peacefully without a worry in their heads about the outside world. In just a couple of hours, some would be waking up to open the shops below their homes for the morning. They weren't concerned about their own lives or deaths today; they weren't leaving the walls. Just the money they'd make to keep the endless cycle going. Eat, sleep, rinse and repeat. They were living just as livestock would without a thought about what exactly lurks out there beyond their hundred-year-old stone paddock.

As for you, this could very well be the last real outlook of Trost you'd ever see. When you leave the security of the walls the day after tomorrow, you may not return. The life of a soldier never guaranteed anything but hard work and desolation. It never guaranteed your safety, let alone your life. Or the protection of your comrades.

Your gaze strayed over to your friend. The wind was sweeping his sandy bangs across his forehead and his eyes were searching somewhere around the west corner of the wall. Maybe that place was somewhere special to him.

And you hoped he could survive to see it the next time you pass through. 

A pang of fear hit you so suddenly it almost knocked you off your feet. The thought of losing him was too real. It wasn't as if it hadn't crossed your mind, because it always did. But standing here mere hours from danger, the possibility seemed to loom overhead. Your annoyance faded away entirely and you stepped just a little closer, because who knew how much longer you'd have his warmth.

"Hey," he turned to you a moment later looking slightly sheepish. You expected him to say more, but he stood there with his jaw tightly clenched.

"Hmm?" you asked with a small teasing look in his direction, trying to swim back out of your dark thoughts.

"I... I was wondering if you wanted to go home with me tomorrow. To visit my mom." His cheeks colored.

You didn't mean to chuckle. A memory from earlier in the afternoon popped into your mind. At the market, Connie and Eren had asked if Jean was planning on paying his family a visit.

_"Jean-bo isn't gonna visit his mommy? How disappointing!" Connie had cackled._

_"Yeah," Eren piled on, "I'm sure she misses seeing her son's horseface. If you do see her, be nicer this time, Jean-bo."_

You rested your chin on your palm. "You're not going just because they made fun of you, right?"

He flushed darker, probably thinking back to earlier as well. "No. I've been planning on visiting her since they announced we were stopping here. Do you wanna go or not?"

You hadn't been around when she showed up in the military mess hall last time, so you wanted to finally meet her. "Sure, I'll come. I bet she'll love me," you shrugged and gave him your most charming smile to which he rolled his eyes and turned away. When his head was turned, you noticed the redness had reached his ears. Oh, how you loved when you embarrassed him this much.

"Right." He mumbled distractedly. "You know you don't have to come, you probably have plans or something." His voice turned monotonous and his shoulders fell a fraction of an inch. He didn't mean for you to see but you noticed the shift in demeanor.

"I didn't actually, if anything I was just going to sleep the whole day. Kind of a waste honestly. If you don't want me to come just say so," you stretched your hands over the wall in front of you to feel the breeze.

"I do," he answered a little too quickly and you smirked.

Suddenly, your stomach gave a painful growl.

Oh right.

Jean spun around and looked at you with humor filling his eyes. "We didn't eat dinner, did we?"

"Nope."

He was deep in thought for a moment before he proposed a very bad idea. "Wanna raid the kitchen?"

You groaned. He looked so stupidly hopeful with his lips pursed and eyebrows raised, but your nerves were shot from both him and the Captain tonight and you didn't think you could handle sneaking around anymore. However, with another gurgle of your stomach, you agreed. He flashed you a mischievous grin and the two of you slinked back into headquarters under the cover of darkness.

The floor was cold on your bare feet as you both took carefully placed steps on the way downstairs. The chill seemed to seep into your limbs, making you shiver a bit. Jean had taken the lead and you followed closely behind him. He was hunched over slightly, trying to appear smaller and you nearly snorted, he was over six feet tall so being small was out of the question for him. You raised a hand to your mouth just in case you were to make a noise and continued to creep along slowly.

Just as you rounded the stairwell of the second level, Jean was alerted to a sound you didn't hear. He whipped around violently, pinning you to the wall with his back. You struggled to breathe since he was pressed against your front so tightly.  
  
"Hey!" you rasped as quietly as you could. Your face was shoved between his tense shoulder blades and you couldn't move your arms.

He was keenly listening for any hint of movement and didn't relent for a minute or two until he realized it was a false alarm. Slowly peeling himself away, he dropped into a crouch once more. Then he began to crawl down the last flight of stairs while you took in a fresh gulp of air and tagged along.

Finally, you had reached the kitchen. The torches were out, bathing the room in a dense veil of black. Together, you had to feel your way toward the pantry while attempting not to knock over the heavy pots and pans that rested on the countertops mere inches from your blindly groping hands. By some miracle, you managed to reach the doors without making a racket and you paused before them.

You scrunched your face, trying to accustom yourself to the lack of light. "Found it. Do you have a lantern or something?"

"If I had a lantern we wouldn't have had to fucking crawl to the pantry, don't you think?" Even in the near pitch darkness, you knew he was wearing an annoyed frown.

"Actually wait, I saw one on the table just outside."

You scurried out and grabbed it, lighting it with a match from the box laying on the table as well. It flickered to life and an eerie orange glow filled the lengthy room once you walked back in, exaggerating the contours of Jean's face. It sent long shadows across the floorboards as he reached for the doorknob. Once it squeaked open, the two of you stepped inside and closed it again to soften any sound you happened to make.

It was hushed inside as you lifted the light to the top cabinets for him to see. "Anything good?" you murmured.

Tin cans clinked together as he shifted them around in a search for a snack. "Ehh, not really."

You moved the light to the bottom shelves near your knees and you encountered a pair of big brown eyes.

The lantern nearly fell from your grasp as you and Jean almost screamed. You jumped into his shaking arms and they held you tightly. You could feel his heart pounding against your side as he held you a foot off the floor. It took a few seconds for the two of you to catch your breath. Then slowly, he let you down and your feet touched the ground. You crept forward, holding the flame out in front of you.

You were greeted with the sight of Sasha sitting cross-legged on the floor with a can of corn and a spoon.

"Oh my god," you breathed. So that explains the lack of snoring in your room.

She gave a little wave and dug her spoon back in, taking a ginormous bite.

"What the hell are you doing?" Jean nearly shouted over your shoulder.

"Getting... corn?" she answered. Her eyebrows were knit in confusion and she held the can to the light for him to see.

"How are you..." you gestured vaguely to her, "Awake. And sober?" The last time you saw her, you were literally dragging her to Krista's bed and she was passed out cold. Now you wondered how she got out so quietly without you hearing.

"Oh I'm not sober," she whispered knowingly and nodded at Jean. He looked at her in disgust.

"Go to bed."

She stood up and gave him a salute with an upsidedown fist. "You got it, Connie." The pantry door opened and closed as she took her food with her and disappeared into the inky black hallway.

Jean simply shook his head in disbelief and you suppressed a giggle.

The terrace had become a little cooler once you returned. He settled down beside you against the wall facing his town and scooped something out of one of the tin cans he brought along. The two of you sat in comfortable silence under the stars for a long time, occasionally switching cans. You were glad you had a friend you could stay quietly with, all of your roommates would either fill the emptiness with useless chatter or with some of the others, the silence would be awkward and uncomfortable. But what you had with Jean was natural. The simple gestures like playfully nudging elbows or pointing out an extra bright star meant the most to you.

At some point, you broke the quietude. Your shoulders bounced in a silent laugh and you shook your head, "I really thought that was Levi."

He chuckled and leaned back, head laying against the stone. "And I really thought you were gonna piss your pants."

"Oh please. What kind of an idiot even follows _Captain Levi_ in the middle of the night anyway? Those shots must've made you suicidal or something."

At the mention of the word, the smirk slipped from his mouth.

"That was while you were cuddling up with the suicidal bastard, right?"

Now that caught you off guard. You thought he didn't see, but he must have.

Somehow you didn't feel the heat from his glower from across the table earlier. He had been having fun taking shots with everyone until he glanced your way to see if you were watching, only to find you tucked under Jaeger's fucking arm like his little doll. It made him sick to his stomach and he immediately dropped out of the competition.

You couldn't help but blush. "It's not like that!"

"Oh spare me," he spat, "you were practically curled up in Eren's lap."

Hearing his name sent a jolt of warmth through your body and he noticed your colored face through the darkness. He stood suddenly, fork falling from his lap and clattering on the ground.

"Why was he touching you?" he yelled. Rage was surging through his bones, sending a current through his limbs and he blamed it purely on his hatred of the other boy.

The sight of him running his thumb across your lip outside the bar. His hand slowly stroking the bare skin of your arm in the booth drove him absolutely insane. He couldn't do anything but watch as you leaned in to murmur something in his ear. But it was the look he gave you after you spoke that did it for him. He had never wanted to hurt anybody more than at that very moment.

Lust was what filled his green eyes.

And it made him wonder what exactly you said to him.

"You touch me too!" you stood as well, rising to your full height and facing him. He still towered high above you and the look on his face could kill. You were used to him being pissed off, but even you were a bit intimidated at how riled he was.

"Not like that," he snarled through gritted teeth.

"Jean, that's not fair," you shrunk back at his harsh tone, eyes pleading.

Shit, why did you have to look at him like that? He couldn't stay mad when his name fell from your lips and you looked so helpless. So frightened.

He stumbled back as if you had slapped him.

Did he make you that way?

You saw something in his expression falter ever so slightly, but the fire was still blazing. Your head drooped and you gazed at the ground, tears threatening to blur your vision.

"I just let go," you said so softly he had to lean down a bit to hear. "Please don't make this more difficult for me."

His heart ached at your words and he knew you were holding back tears when he heard your discrete sniffle. He tilted his head, deep in thought. He knew he didn't have a full grasp on your feelings over the past several years, no matter how much he liked to think he did. This was a whole new territory you were exploring and it was confusing as hell. Now he saw.

That's what this was.

He pressed his back to the stone and slid down into a hunched sitting position, blowing a frustrated sigh through his cheeks.

"I know," he said lowly as he held his head between his hands.

You slipped down to sit beside him, though further away than he would've liked. Now he felt horrible because he could tell you were keeping your distance.

Then a sudden thought occurred to him: _Were you afraid of him?_

A wave of guilt and shame rolled over him. He shouldn't have yelled at you like that, his temper had flown over the edge of the roof along with his common sense.

Silence fell once more.

The moon was moving across the sky at a steady pace and the sun would make its appearance for the day in just a few hours. The constellations twinkled overhead and they were clearly visible from the lack of city lights. The building beneath you was hushed the entire time, not a soul interrupting the solitude. A bell clanged somewhere from the other side of the town, announcing a new hour was upon you.

You were mindlessly scraping your fork against the nearly empty metal when you felt like you were being watched. You turned to see his amber eyes slightly glancing at your chest. Your own eyes widened and he met your concerned stare as your arms came up to cover yourself.

"What?" you asked defensively.

"I wasn't-" he sputtered in agitation and his brows pulled low, "I was just thinking, aren't you cold in that?" He nodded to where your arms were crossed with his eyes averted.

"Oh."

Your forearms dropped a fraction of an inch. Only just now you noticed you were trembling slightly since the wind picked up at some point. He slung an arm over his bent knee and observed you again. It seemed his frosty attitude had melted.

"Is that a yes?"

Well, for the most part at least.

You shrugged a bare shoulder. "Possibly."

He stood once more, stretching his long limbs before reaching a hand out to you. "You've always gotta make things difficult, don't you?"

Your lips quirked to the side, "I've learned from the best." You took his hand and he lifted you to your feet.

He dropped your hand and strolled back over to the short wall that fenced the perimeter of the balcony. You stood in front of him, facing the peaceful undisturbed city down below. You remembered your thought from earlier about not knowing how long you'd have him around. Living to the next day was never promised for either of you, so you let go of any harsh feelings you held against your friend and gave into his warmth. His chest was at your back and heat radiated from him, slowly seeping into your bare skin. Very hesitantly, his arms reached out and folded your shivering body into his own. He bent over slightly and held you flush to his torso, nearly wrapping his larger form around yours to shield you from the breeze. But his touch felt different from earlier in the alleyway.

"Why are you so stiff?" you teased, muffled by his nightshirt sleeve you were currently resting your head on. Your nose was pressed into the crook of his elbow.

He took a moment before answering, weighing his words carefully.

"I thought you were afraid of me," he said tentatively. You could hear the guilt in his tone.

"What?" You whipped your head back in disbelief and stared into his wandering eyes that were looking anywhere but your face. "Why would I be scared of you?"

"I shouldn't have yelled," he said in a deep voice that vibrated against you, making you shiver again but in a different way.

You leaned back into him and turned to the darkness-bathed buildings again with a snort. "Like I haven't heard you yell before."

It was kind of sweet though, you realized. Yelling never bothered you unless it was someone you knew well and they were mad at you. Your father had installed that fear in you sometime during your childhood and on the rare occasion it did happen, you slipped away into the shadows and mulled over anything you could've possibly done wrong.

He sounded strained. "I know, but-"

You cut him off before he could dig himself any deeper. "Jean."

Goosebumps raised on his arms at your voice.

"I know you're not going to hurt me," you said softly. "I trust you completely and know you wouldn't harm me."

He rested his cheek sideways on the crown of your head and breathed a long sigh through his nose into your hair.

"You're right."

The two of you stood overlooking his hometown like that. Comforting arms kept any doubts at bay until the horizon began to turn a fiery pink.

"I'll never hurt you," he breathed a few minutes later so quietly you almost didn't catch it. It sounded as if he was thinking out loud, but you definitely heard him.

~~

"(Name)!" came a sing-song voice from right next to your ear.

You sat straight up in bed with a surprised exclamation. Your eyes quickly scanned the room before they landed on Sasha bouncing on her tippy toes and looking up at you with a grin.

"For the love of Sina," you groaned, "You have got to stop scaring me. I can't take it anymore and I'll die of a heart attack before a titan gets a chance at me."

She giggled and turned to the tiny mirror on the wall. "Sorry, I just didn't want you to miss lunch. It's noon and they won't have food out for much longer." Her large eyes scrunched in concentration as she tied her hair into a ponytail.

The bed creaked as you swung your legs to the ladder after stretching your arms high above your head. You noticed your other roommates' beds were empty as you stepped to the floor.

"Thanks for the heads up, but I've got plans. Don't you worry about me," you yawned and blinked, beginning to adjust to the bright light. Your head pounded a bit and you groaned slightly before remembering the previous night.

"Oh god," you murmured, rubbing your temples. You only had two drinks. It was a good thing you didn't let Eren talk you into more. "Sash, how are you even alive after last night?"

"What do you mean?" she asked while she slipped her belt through her pant loops.

She doesn't remember. That makes more sense.

"Alright," she gave her stomach a quick pat and made her way to the door. "I'm going back for round two to meet Connie, I'll probably see you whenever you get back." You said goodbye and she blew you a kiss as she scrambled through the doorway.

Ahh, now you were alone. You sat on the edge of Krista's bed and simply closed your eyes. The silence was music to your ears and you hadn't truly been by yourself since your quick morning shower back at the castle. There was no privacy in your life, every moment was spent with other soldiers and it did get tiring sometimes. So you took full advantage of your few moments of solitary.

You moved unhurriedly across the room to change into your half formal half casual clothes that didn't get much wear back at home. When you were picking out clothing to bring in your rucksack, you packed something a little nicer just in case, so if not now then when would you ever get the chance?

Soft cotton brushed against your fingertips as you pulled the light blue gingham skirt you bought a few years back. You had seen it in a shop window while you patrolled a nearby city and the charming simplicity of it caught your attention. As a child, you had never been one to beg for dolls or beautiful flowing dresses you saw displayed while you were out running errands with your mother. And as a teenager, you never had the opportunity. Muddy boots and leather harnesses were the extents of your everyday wear, so you decided to treat yourself. At the next opportunity, you purchased it and stored it away for a special occasion.

But now was your chance to wear it. You paired it with a clean white short-sleeved shirt and knee-high socks. Just as you had pulled it up over the shirt and tried to reach over your shoulders to yank it up, the door opened, and in walked Petra and Krista.

"Oh!" squealed Krista when she took in your new look, "You look so fancy, (Name)!"

Petra gasped as well while the petite blonde hurried over to help you pull it up to your ribs.

"We need to do your hair!" she clapped her hands and bounced on her toes.

Your eyes widened and you looked at Petra fearfully. "No no, you really don't-"

"Come onnn, we never get to do anything fun," she whined and tugged on your arm, dragging you over to sit on the bed.

You had planned on wearing it the way you always did, but maybe it did look a little too messy and out of place compared to the effort you had put into your outfit. You flopped down in front of Petra's crossed legs and the skirt splayed across your thighs.

"So where are you going today, miss fancy pants?" teased Krista, coming over to examine the front of your hair.

Her gentle fingers pulled strands to the sides of your face and you opened your mouth to answer, but promptly shut it again. Would they make fun of you if you told them? But the more you thought about it, that was silly. These were the two nicest girls who would never gossip about you.

But Sasha and Ymir would undoubtedly give you shit for it, calling it a date. Gross.

"I'm going with Jean to visit his family," you answered evenly.

"Ah okay... So something casual but cute," Petra's brows pulled in and she gave a confident nod, "I can do that!"

For the next half hour, the two girls put their heads together and decided what to do with you. You felt locks of hair being twisted and intertwined neatly together as your neck bent whichever way they commanded. In all honesty, it was kind of relaxing. Their graceful fingers combed through your hair and you closed your eyes, soaking up the early afternoon sunlight filtering in through the open window. Simply allowing yourself to be a girl in this moment.

You could sense they were almost done, but Krista stood up suddenly. "Wait! I know just the thing." And with that, she was dashing down the hallway. Petra hummed while she secured a few stray strands behind your ears, brushing your small silver earrings on accident.

"Ooh, these are gorgeous. Where did you get them?" she asked, eyes lighting up.

Your hand reached up to grasp your earlobe. Feeling the small hoop, you smiled to yourself at the fond memory.

"My mother."

She had gifted them to you on your tenth birthday and you remembered tearing up once you unwrapped them. You had never owned something so dainty and beautiful before. Since then, you've kept them stowed safely in a small bag at the bottom of your belongings to not risk them getting damaged or lost during training.

In addition to the earrings, you were also wearing the silver locket you bought at the market. But before Petra could ask about it, Krista returned with something cupped in her hands. She disappeared from your line of sight and joined Petra behind your head once more.

"Good idea, this is perfect!"

Something shifted against your neck and they were finished. They stood up and told you to cover your eyes, leading you to the mirror. You did as they said and they held your arms steady.

"Ready? One, two, three!" They each pulled an arm away from your face.

Your eyebrows shot high onto your forehead and your jaw fell slack as you took yourself in. The two had crafted several delicate braids and weaved them from the front around to the back of your head, where they met and flowed back into the rest of your hair which hung loose. The braids were secured with a small daisy Krista had picked from somewhere outside, though you never recalled seeing flowers nearby. Smaller pieces of hair framed your face and brought out your features.

"You guys... This is so beautiful," you breathed.

The girls cheered and pulled you into a group hug.

"Well you look absolutely lovely," gushed Petra as she looked on approvingly at her handiwork.

"You really do, it's so nice to see you dressed up," added Krista with a beam.

You couldn't stop looking at yourself. Spinning around, you watched your skirt twirl with a giddy feeling. You were not used to seeing yourself look actually _gorgeous,_ but you surprisingly loved it? They giggled when you admired yourself from every angle in the small reflection.

Now you felt confident in yourself and it was one of the most powerful feelings you had ever felt.

"Thank you guys for making me beautiful, I really love it," you gave them each a genuine toothy grin.

You slipped on your black buckled shoes before giving them one last hug and heading out the door.

As you entered the dining hall where you had been told to meet, you couldn't help scanning the nearby tables in search of the vivid green eyes that had filled your dreams the night before. But to your disappointment, he was nowhere to be found. You were kinda hoping he would see you in your skirt.

You caught sight of a tawny head sticking out over the crowd and began to make your way over. Jean had his back against a pillar near the main doors and a foot was restlessly tapping the floorboards. He was craning his neck to look for you but he was looking in the complete opposite direction before hearing you and turning to see you arrive.

He did a double-take. Normally narrow amber eyes were widened and you saw an eyebrow arch upwards.

But just as quickly, his face fell back into his normal bored expression.

"Well would you look at that, you're a girl," he pushed off the wall and held the door for you somewhat begrudgingly.

"And someone actually showered today," you bit back as you walked beneath his outstretched arm. He smelled like clean soap and it was honestly quite pleasant.

He was wearing a crisp white shirt covered by a buttoned-down black vest with black pants. The shirt was rolled to his sunkissed forearms and he actually looked kind of nice despite how much you hated admitting it to yourself. And you wouldn't ever give him the satisfaction of knowing that.

The two of you began walking.

"It's not too far from here," he offered after a few moments to fill the silence, "Also smart choice of shoes, perfect for walking on these streets." He nodded sarcastically to your slightly scuffed black flats, eyes sliding up over your knee-high socks to your exposed thighs without you noticing.

You frowned. "What's wrong with them? It's not like I could've worn my boots with this," you gestured to the light blue fabric around your legs. "Plus I can't really dress up every day. Skirts don't go well with training, you know."

He grunted in response and faced forward again.

The two of you were about halfway there when you noticed his fingers tapping an anxious rhythm against his knee. Peeking up at his face you saw his dark brows were furrowed slightly and his teeth gnawing on his bottom lip. Normally if something was bothering him, he'd be wearing his normal I-don't-give-a-fuck face but you figured whatever was on his mind was really making him anxious if he was expressing it outwardly like this.

You tilted your head and pieces of hair fell across your forehead. "Are you worried?"

"No," he answered a little too quickly. His poker face wasn't very good.

Your lips twitched in an effort not to smile.

"You said it's just your mom there though, that can't be too bad, right?"

In the past, he had mentioned having a father and you knew he didn't have any siblings, but he never said anything else about him and you didn't pry. So you had no idea where he was (or if he was even alive) and why it would be just her today.

He huffed a non-humorous laugh through his nose. "That remains to be determined."

"Oh come on, you big idiot," you nudged him with your elbow and said lightly, "I'd give anything to see mine again."

He was quiet for a moment before replying. "I'm sure she wouldn't hesitate to adopt you immediately or something like that."

"Ew. Then you'd be my brother."

"Damn, that is kinda gross isn't it?"

You threw your head back and laughed. "Just imagine it, (Name) Kirschtein."

At those words, Jean was lost in thought for a split second. Maybe it did have a ring to it. You looked over at him and he panicked on the inside, imagining you were reading his mind, but you mistook his silence for anxiety.

Not too long after, you turned onto a new street and his back noticeably straightened. You figured you had entered his neighborhood. A dog barked at you from inside a nearby house somewhere as you passed. Then after a few more twists and turns, he came to a stop in front of a tall white house with wooden paneling crossing the front and sides.

You admired the flower boxers while you were waiting for him to knock, but he just stood there. His nervous gaze was trained on the door, so you grabbed him and turned him toward you, straightening his stiff collar.

"There's nothing to be worried about," you soothed this time instead of teasing him. He looked down at you and a bead of sweat rolled down his temple.

A sense of urgency crossed his expression and his hands suddenly gripped your shoulders, jolting your smaller body.

"Listen," he began to explain, eyes slightly alarmed, "you've got to understand, she can be a little-"

The door swung open and hit the wall beside you, making the two of you jump. His hands flew from your shoulders as if he'd been shocked and a disbelieving voice came from the doorway.

"Jean-bo..?"


	7. Sanctuary

A stout woman who was a little taller than you stepped out into the sunlight. Her hair was a darker shade of brown than his light copper and pulled into a loose ponytail at the back of her head. She had a rounder face, so you figured he must look more like his father, but he was still unmistakably her son. They shared the same golden eye color and hers were especially bright since there were currently tears welling in them. Teardrops spilled over her flushed cheeks as she took in her child all grown up.  
  
"Hi, mom-" his apprehensive greeting was cut short by her rushing forward and pulling him into a bone-crushing hug. The happiness you knew he was pretending not to feel was beginning to show through his unease as the stiff facade gradually dissolved. He wrapped his long arms around his mother and held her close to his chest.

Suddenly, your best friend looked like a little boy. Something about being next to his mother made him seem like a child, despite him being several heads taller than her now. You could tell he had definitely been a mama's boy growing up by the way he melted into her embrace.  
  
"You've become so big and handsome, oh my goodness," she gasped and reached way up high and gave his cheeks a sharp pat.  
  
He blinked rapidly and you could tell he was trying his hardest not to protest.  
  
She pulled back after a moment once she realized that her son wasn't alone. Her eyes met yours from over his hunched back and they became even brighter if that was possible. She rushed over and took your hands into hers.  
  
"Ohh look at you! Now aren't you a beauty," she smiled so lovingly at you that you wanted to pull her into a hug of your own. "Please, come inside!"  
  
She squeezed your palms before turning toward the house and the two of you followed her inside. You immediately noticed how cozy and homey it felt once you stepped in and Jean closed the door behind you. To your left, there was a table and chairs where she sat and excitedly beckoned the two of you over. You passed a small sewing room where numerous patterns were laid out along with countless colorful spools of thread. The miniature kitchen was in front of you as you took the chair next to Jean.  
  
"What's the occasion!" she asked him with a look of pure adoration on her face. You could tell she was taking in every new angle of his face and the muscles his body had developed and grown into during their time apart.  
  
He gave her a tentative smile. "We're leaving for Karanes tomorrow to go on an expedition and had to make a stop here for supplies. We had some free time and I figured I'd stop by home."  
  
"What a good boy I raised. Making time to visit his mommy!" she beamed and he looked completely dumbfounded. Oh now this was entertaining, you thought you were going to pop a blood vessel from trying not to laugh.  
  
"And you, dear!" she swiveled from him to face you, taking your hands once more over the table, "Are you Jean-bo's girlfriend?"  
  
"No!" the two of you shouted in horrified unison. His chair scraped backward when he jumped from it, hands splayed on the table and his face was flushed redder than you had ever seen it. But you had no room to make fun of him since your own cheeks were heating up just as fast.

"S-she's just a friend, mom. She was with Marco," he added the last part with a mumble.

Ms. Kirschtein's eyes flashed with remembrance.  
  
"Oh yes, that's right. I remember him! That Marco boy, such a sweet angel. I do hope he's well," she smiled thoughtfully and the two of you exchanged a look as she fiddled with the tablecloth.  
  
"Did you meet him?" The words tumbled from your mouth before you could stop them.  
  
The new pair of amber eyes met yours again. "Hmm, I do believe so. He came to pick up Jean the last time you all visited Trost."  
  
Your heart lurched.  
  
That's right, what she said did make sense. You vaguely remembered on your last night here, he had gone to get him before meeting you and some other friends at HQ. You had insisted on coming along, but he told you to have fun and he'd be back soon. He always told you he would be right back. Then once they both returned, they joined you and the others and fooled around in the dark city before you left. You remembered feeling like a semi-normal kid that night as you strolled the streets, one hand intertwined with your boyfriend's and the other in your best friend's while he jokingly pretended to flirt with you.

Even during your time as a cadet, there were fleeting moments of normalcy.

Until you enlisted with the Scouts, that is.  
  
You wanted to know more, but you didn't want to pry. Thankfully though, she actually continued without you having to ask. "I remember he showed up at the door and handed me a dozen yellow tulips, he said they were his favorite. I put them in a vase and asked him, 'these aren't in season, how did you ever manage to get them?' and he just smiled and said he had his ways. And I'm sure he did! Such a charming boy," she said reminiscently, "Then I asked him about why he picked the color yellow since most people left them behind in favor of pink or white. He told me he loved yellow because it was a happy, bright color. Reminded him of the sun, he said, and I've looked at the color differently ever since."

And now you would as well.

The bittersweet combination of happiness and sadness was mirrored in Jean's small smile in your direction. You had never heard that story before, but she encapsulated him perfectly. You clung to any memory of his essence, no matter how minuscule.  
  
"That reminds me," Jean said before swinging the bag he had brought with him onto his lap. He pulled out a jar of honey, some candies in a bright pink package, and a few little balls of vividly colored yarn. He must've picked them up at the market yesterday while you were with Connie looking at hand-carved weapons. "I brought these for you."  
  
Her kind face lit up even more. "I just ran out of honey, how did you know!"  
  
His expression softened a bit as she sorted through the gifts she had received. She held a purple ball of yarn into the air and declared, "I'm going to have to make you a sweater!"  
  
Jean's relaxation was gone in an instant and you couldn't help but grin. You picked up an orange ball and rolled it over the table. "Yes, you should! You can send it to us and I can make sure he wears it."  
  
His head was shaking fervently and vicious eyes were giving you a death glare but you ignored it.  
  
"It's settled, I'll begin tomorrow!" Jean slumped in his seat. "Oh! I nearly forgot, dear me. I'm sure you two are hungry from all the work you've done. I bet they don't feed you good home cooking over there," she waggled a finger in disapproval, "I'll get lunch started right now!"

She rose from her chair and winked as she ambled to the kitchen. And now you were alone at the mercy of your friend.  
  
He got up as well and leaned over you, putting his hands on the back of your chair. "Don't encourage her!" he whispered harshly, "She's fucking crazy!"  
  
You covered your mouth with a hand to stifle a giggle and pushed him out of your way with the other as you stood.  
  
"Jean-bo," her head popped around the corner and a pan clanked somewhere behind her, "Why don't you show our guest around?"  
  
"Alright, mom." He muttered and stalked over to the staircase.  
  
Before heading upstairs, you hurried into the kitchen as Ms. Kirschtein pulled miscellaneous spices from an overhead cabinet.  
  
"Excuse me, but I never caught your name," you said with a sweet smile and head tilt. She turned toward your voice and began to tie a red apron behind her back.  
  
"No need for formalities, my dear. Just call me mom!" she gushed.  
  
You were taken slightly aback but you managed to laugh politely. "Alright, well you have a lovely home... mom."  
  
She beamed and pat your cheek a couple of times before returning to her cooking. You hadn't called anyone mom since you were twelve and the word felt foreign on your tongue, but at the same time not unpleasant. She made you feel comfortable.  
  
You found Jean resting against the wooden banister and the grand tour began. He gave a lazy gesture to the room next to the stairs over the railing. "Living room."  
  
His loud footsteps thumped up the stairs and you were halfway scared they were going to break beneath you. You reached the second-story hallway and he strode down it, waving towards various closed doors with a grunt until you came to a stop at the end. He opened the creaking door and stepped inside with a curious look on his face. You followed him and your attention was immediately on the walls that were plastered with dozens and dozens of sketches. Various things drawn with numerous pencils and paints. Papers were tacked to the wood and you approached them to get a closer look.  
  
Jean walked along his bedside, gliding a finger across old knickknacks that sat on the table beside it. Things sat in the exact spot he had left them the morning of registration, but miraculously there was no dust. _She must still come in here and clean after all this time,_ he thought to himself somewhat sadly.  
  
"Did you make this?" your voice came from the other side of the room. He turned to see you craning up at a picture just above your head.  
  
Eyebrows furrowed together, he came to stand beside you. Recognition flickered in his eyes before he looked away in embarrassment.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
Soft greens and sapphire blues were swirled together on the parchment before you. He had created a forest scene by a great lake with pencils and pastels. You gazed at the seemingly swaying trees and shimmering surface of the water with awe, the detail was immaculate and you had no idea he was capable of designing something like that.  
  
"I didn't know you could draw!" a laugh of disbelief bubbled out of you.  
  
At first, he thought you were making fun of him so he spun on you, mouth open ready to hurl insults. But then he saw a delighted twinkle in your eye and his anger faded away entirely.  
  
"I used to. I mean, it's not very good but..." he trailed off and a sly grin made its way across his face.  
  
"Shut up, moron. It's amazing."  
  
He was distracted by the look on your face more so than your words as your eyes roamed over the many pieces of artwork he had completed both as a child and before he left home. You looked so intrigued and he swelled with pride; no one had ever complimented his drawings before.  
  
"Do you want me to draw you?" he blurted before he could stop himself.  
  
You whirled around excitedly. "Would you really?"  
  
"I mean I can try," he backtracked a bit and searched the surprisingly organized desk for a pencil, "I can't promise it'll be good or anything. In fact, you might be offended."  
  
You rolled your eyes and flounced onto his bed. Then a sudden idea occurred to you.  
  
"Actually, can you draw both of us?"  
  
His brows shot up at your request.  
  
"You don't have to, but I just figured you know very well what you look like since you spend so much time admiring yourself in the mirror," you joked with a devious smile.  
  
"For the last time, I had something in my hair!" he sighed exasperatedly and threw his hands in the air.  
  
You flopped back onto the silky sheets and laughed. Back in your first year, you and Marco had caught him checking himself out in the back of a spoon at dinnertime one night. You still gave him shit for it and he still tried to use that same excuse.   
  
"Anyway," he grumbled, "I can try to if you want."  
  
You sat up and beamed. "Okay!" Smoothing your hands over your legs, you asked, "So how do you want me to pose?"  
  
Seeing you sitting on his bed in that skirt gave him a couple of ideas but he kept them to himself for obvious reasons. "Uh... you can sit just like that I guess."  
  
He grabbed a small notepad from his desk and faced his chair toward you. After fixing your hair, you crossed a leg modestly over the other and gave a gentle smile. He bent over the paper and began to sketch, eyes flitting up to your face every other moment.  
  
Jean worked in silence. Once he was finished with your head and torso, he bit his lip deep in thought while his eyes raked over you. You were currently gazing out the window, so he had the chance to admire the slant of your hips and the smooth skin of your slightly exposed thighs. He felt somewhat guilty for thinking about you like that since you were his best friend, but the rest of him didn't give a fuck. He drew them quickly and began to map out his own body on the paper.  
  
A little while later, you angled your head back to him. Colorful pastels and pencils were switched out from his large hands every few seconds as he shaded and blended. His face was scrunched in concentration and he looked kinda funny. Somehow you managed not to chuckle because otherwise, you knew he would get mad and refuse to finish.  
  
"Okay," he said slowly soon after, straightening in his chair, "I think I'm done."  
  
The mattress springs squeaked when you rose to stretch. You made your way over to him and stood behind him with your hands on the back of his chair. He hesitantly held the notepad to the light and what you saw made your jaw drop.  
  
He captured your face perfectly in his own style. Your eyes looked bright and beautiful and a light blush tinted your cheeks. He shaded your skirt with a lovely sky blue and it laid gracefully across your legs.  
  
But what caught your interest was how he positioned the two of you. Jean had drawn himself sitting very close beside you with an arm thrown around your shoulder and your hand around his waist. Your head rested on his broad shoulder with an easy grin while his own face looked... content. It brought a real smile to your face that you couldn't hold back.  
  
"Oh my god," your hand touched your lips.  
  
Some of the apprehension melted from his features but he was still self-conscious. "If you don't like it I-"  
  
"No, shut up," you shook your head and gave a little laugh, "It's perfect and I'm keeping it." You took the paper from his outstretched hand and folded it neatly into your pocket.  
  
He looked at the ground and let a look of embarrassed happiness enter his features.  
  
"Lunch is ready!" called a voice from downstairs. You both looked at each other and he flashed you a satisfied grin before rising from his chair.  
  
You hadn't seen him look so carefree in a long time. The lines in his face from a life of stress and loss had disappeared at that moment and you chose to store that mental image in your mind for safekeeping. It made him look happier, like the younger boy you knew back as a cadet who would jokingly flirt with you openly in front of Marco. Before death and destruction had entered his life and changed his entire worldview.  
  
Downstairs, a plate with a neatly folded omelet covered in a yummy looking red sauce of some kind was waiting for you at the table when you arrived.

At you took a seat, she fussed over you and Jean. "Goodness, I'm so sorry it took so long! I'm sure you two are starving," she cooed, pinching Jean's cheek before hurrying to tuck a napkin into your collar.  
  
He dug in without hesitation but you smiled at her as you sliced into your lunch with a fork and knife.  
  
"Thank you... mom. It looks and smells delicious."  
  
And when you bit in, you were a million times more grateful for her. You closed your eyes and groaned in satisfaction as the warm food touched your tongue.  
  
"Oh my god, this is the best thing I've ever eaten..."  
  
She grinned from ear to ear and rubbed your shoulder. Her brown ponytail swung aside as she looked over at her son.  
  
"See, she loves her future mother-in-law's food!" A wink was thrown in your direction and she rushed back into the kitchen to avoid Jean's loud protesting shouts.  
  
He looked downright humiliated and you couldn't help but laugh so hard your stomach hurt. He rested his flaming face flat on the table as you wiped tears from your eyes.  
  
"Doesn't seem like she exactly wants to adopt me, she wants to give me the Kirschtein last name a different-"  
  
"Stop it!" his head popped up from his arms, eyes mortified. But when he was greeted with the sight of your pink cheeks, he was caught even more off guard, to say the least.  
  
A few last giggles made their way past your lips before you managed to compose yourself. "You didn't warn me about that!"  
  
"Shut up," he mumbled, returning to his food, "I thought she could restrain herself but I guess I was wrong."  
  
His mother returned with a cheeky smile and started to join you two at the table, settling into her chair.

"So Ms. Kirschtein," you said after swallowing another heavenly bite, "I've been wondering, what was he," you nodded to the man chowing down on mommy's food, "like as a child?"

He shot you a suspicious glare over his plate as a soupy smile grew on her face. _What are you playing at?_ He mouthed at you but you pretended not to see.

"Oh my goodness, where do I begin," she breathed, "as a baby, Jean-bo had the fattest little cheeks! He was just the chubbiest and would cry when I wouldn't have food any time I came up to his crib."

Jean choked on his omelet.

You held your napkin over your mouth to smother your grin. "Oh really?"

"Really! He couldn't get enough of my cooking. And he still couldn't once he grew up a little more." She looked like she knew she shouldn't continue, but she did anyway. "One time, he came home after being rejected by a girl and he felt all better after I made his favorite soup."

"Alright woman, you need to stop telling her this stuff," Jean pointed his fork at his mother, "and you," the pointy silver tines were facing you now, "need to stop laughing."

"I'm not!" you lied as the grin widened and your shoulders shook. His eyes were glaring daggers at you.

"Not really sure why you wanted to be a soldier, Jean," you continued and stabbed a piece of egg, "when you had all this right here. The food at the cadet base was terrible, I think Shadis secretly wanted to poison us. The Scout cooks are definitely a few steps up from that, but this here... I could die happy after this. I haven't had a homecooked meal since I was a kid."

"Where are you from, honey?" inquired Ms. Kirschtein.

"I'm from Stohess, but I enlisted in the 104th and left home when I was twelve, just like Jean."

She nodded a little sadly. "I'm sure you don't get to see your family much then since it's out of the way."

You listed your head and gave her a forlorn smile. "Haven't seen them since, actually. I didn't leave on the best terms, I'm afraid. I do write to my brother occasionally though."

"Oh dear. Don't you ever miss your parents though?"

"Mom," Jean's low voice clipped her sentence short. A warning.

You waved your hand in dismissal. "It's fine. I lost my mother recently but my father is still around back in Stohess. He hates me since I left but I've learned to live with it," you said with a shrug.

His mother gave you a sympathetic look and pat your knee. "You know you're welcome here anytime, sweetheart. Next time you visit Trost, I'll whip up your favorite meal and have everything all prepared."

Your lips turned upward meekly at her friendly face. "That sounds lovely, I'll definitely make sure to stop by."

Ms. Kirschtein beamed at you. "This can be your home now, don't you worry. I've even got a spare bedroom right next to Jean-bo's!"

A second pair of golden eyes were on you gauging your reaction.

But you were too touched at her words to notice. Your mouth hung open, speechless from disbelief. The word "home" only had a vague meaning since you were a child. Home wasn't a thing for you anymore since the moment you walked out that door with your rucksack and dreams of being a soldier. You had burned that bridge and now you were on your own. The Scout castle was where you lived, but it was just that. The location of your belongings and a bed. But now Ms. Kirschtein, who was nearly a complete stranger, was taking you under her wing and graciously inviting you into her family's household. You willed yourself not to cry, but your spirits were soaring.

"I... don't know what to say. That means more than I can express, thank you so much," you dipped your head respectfully, letting your hair tumble into your eyes to cover your emotion.

She could tell you were becoming choked up and simply bobbed her head encouragingly. Even Jean had abandoned his moodiness and gave you a lopsided grin from across the table.

A sharp rap on the front door cut off the sentimental moment. His mother looked confused as she got up to answer it and you finished your food with a content sigh.  
  
"I think I love her," you declared.  
  
He rolled his eyes.  
  
She returned a moment later and looked even more perplexed than before. "It's for you," she met your bewildered gaze and you blinked in surprise.

"Wait, for me?" You looked over to make sure she didn't mean Jean, but he just shrugged a shoulder, looking just as shocked as you.

Her eyebrows pulled down a bit in concern and she nodded.

 _What could anybody possibly want me for? I don't know anybody in this city._  
  
You and Jean exchanged one last puzzled glance before you hesitantly walked to the door.

The door opened with a click and the first thing you saw was a man wearing a tan leather jacket with the wings of freedom and the classic green cape, so you knew he must've come from straight from headquarters. A black horse neighed and shifted on the cobblestones behind him. Squinting in the light, you vaguely recognized the man. Maybe you had seen him across the dining hall from time to time or here and there during training. He wasn't even an acquaintance and the first name that came to mind when you saw his face was Steven.

"Miss (Last Name)," he inclined his head politely as you stood motionless at the threshold, "Commander Erwin has sent me to retrieve you."

You felt your eyebrows knit together in confusion. "Oh, okay. Do you know what for?"

He shook his head and gave you a tight-lipped smile. "I was just told to return you to headquarters where he'll meet you. You know how it is with him."

That checks out, it definitely seemed like an order from him. You chuckled distractedly. _What could he want with me?_

"Alright, give me a moment to say goodbye and I'll be right back."

As you walked back to the kitchen, a thought stopped you in your tracks. _Is he going to punish me for sneaking out last night?_ Your mouth went dry, that must be it. _Oh Maria, why did I do that?_ _How could I have possibly snuck around without Levi knowing and telling him? He obviously saw me, I'm such an idiot._

Your face must've shown your worry when you turned the corner because Jean stood from his chair and made his way over, hovering close to hear your quiet words.

"Who is it?" his eyes showed agitation at your unease and he had to restrain himself from taking your hand.

Looking up at him, you explained that the Commander had requested you to return to headquarters to meet with him. His face morphed into nervousness as he figured what you were thinking.

"Is he outside?"

You shook your head. "He sent someone."

"Hmm. You don't think we're in trouble, do you? And I wonder why he wouldn't send for me too if that were the case..." he scratched his chin deep in thought.

You tried to swallow past the lump rising in your throat. "I don't know." Taking a deep cleansing breath, you turned to his mother once more.

"I'm sorry, but I've got to get going now. They need me back at HQ," you gave her an apologetic smile and crossed the room to hug her, "Your home is lovely, and thank you so much for the hospitality."

Her amber eyes showed dismay but she didn't sense the stress you shared with Jean. "Oh, alright dear. I wish you could've stayed longer. It was a pleasure meeting you and please be careful on your mission!"

Her gentle hands held your back and it seemed as if she didn't want to let you go. In her mind, she would keep both you and Jean safe and sound here for the rest of your days and shelter you from the dangers that lurked just outside the walls if she could.

But she knew it simply wasn't possible.

Before you could pull back, she held you closer and whispered in your ear with a hint of desperation.

"Please take care of my son."

Once you parted, you gave her a determined nod and she pecked you quickly on the cheek. Then she turned to Jean and gave him a stern look.

"Marry this one," her finger poked him in the chest then pointed back to you.

"Mom!" he shouted mortified. He looked like he didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

The anxiety was forgotten momentarily as a surprised laugh slipped past your lips. He was seizing handfuls of his tawny hair and hiding his blushing face in his arms. She joined you in laughing and you treasured the pure joy written across her face. She probably hasn't enjoyed herself this much in years and you were glad to bring some excitement into her lonely household.

"I mean it!"

You began to make your way back to the door shaking your head good-naturedly. "Thanks again and the food was wonderful, mom. Stay safe!" You called over your shoulder with one last wave in her direction.

Jean's embarrassed eyes caught yours and he rolled them back into his head, making you giggle again. The red reached his ears and it was the last thing you saw.

As you shut the door behind you, your high spirits began to crash to the ground. In all honesty, you absolutely adored his mom and didn't want to leave. If you could, you would've chosen to stay here in the comfort of your new home. She was the closest thing you had since losing your mother and it truly felt great to feel loved by a motherly figure once more. Even in the fleeting amount of time you had been there, she had already stolen a spot in your heart.


	8. Opportunity

The ride back to HQ was a little awkward, to say the least. You were on a horse with a man you didn't know. In a skirt. You had to try and tuck it beneath you as you rode so the city of Trost wouldn't see all you have to offer.

Even the beautiful view of the town whizzing by didn't help the glum feeling setting in. The quaint shops with eye-catching items in the storefront windows couldn't even excite you the smallest bit. Worries you already had were only doubling over the time it took to get there. Every little rule you had bent and everything you had ever done wrong flooded your memory as you tried to pinpoint exactly why Erwin would want to meet with you. _Will he make me stay home from the mission?_ _Is he gonna sic Captain Levi on me?_ _Or will he expel me from the Scouts?_

The last one was far-fetched, but the thought still frightened you. You could only imagine the complacent look on your father's face if you returned home after failing as a soldier. He told you that you'd never make it and die trying. He said your "hero-complex" would get you into deep trouble one way or another. There's no way you could go back to Stohess if that were the case, you'd have to make other arrangements. Being discharged was one of the most shameful things that could happen to you within the walls and you didn't want to go down that path.

Your bottom lip was chewed raw by the time the guy's name that was possibly Steven's horse came to a halt in front of the building you knew well. Trying to stop your legs from shaking, you swung yourself down from the saddle and onto the ground.

"He should be in his office," maybe Steven told you.

You nodded and gulped. "Thanks for the ride."

"Cheer up and good luck," he offered you a small smile and whipped his reins, leading his horse away in a gallop.

Forcing your feet to move, you made your way to his makeshift office. It was on the third floor so you took your time walking there, anxiety growing with each step. The building was surprisingly quiet, but you figured everybody was out doing stuff and enjoying their last day off. And for some of them, it really could be their _last_ day off.

From somewhere above you, water was leaking from a crack in the ceiling and you could hear every drop hit the stone. It wasn't helping ease your nerves. Your footsteps echoed loudly, reverberating off the walls back to your ears and your heart beat faster each floor you climbed.

Finally turning the last corner, you had to skid to a stop to not crash straight into the tall blond man heading in your direction. He was leaving his office and thumbing through a stack of papers.

"Oops, I'm sorry sir!" you brought your fist to your chest, attempting to show him a confident salute. "I'm here just as you requested."

"Ah, soldier (Last Name). Very good to see you," he gave you a friendly smile it caught you completely off guard. You had been anticipating a disapproving glare or to be chewed out, not that.

Now you were hoping he wouldn't use the disappointed parent look. You'd much rather he scream at you right here in the corridor.

But he read the stupefied look on your face wrong.

"You're probably wondering why I requested to meet with you, and I am sorry for interrupting your free afternoon, please forgive me," he began walking the way you came from.

You fell into step with him and replied, "It's not a problem, sir." Glancing at your shoes then back to your superior, you swallowed hesitantly. "A-am I in trouble?"

His bright blue eyes showed surprise at your sudden question.

"In trouble? Goodness no, quite the opposite actually," he stopped and turned to you, politely dipping his head. "I was merely going to ask if you would accompany me today. I have something quite important to attend to and I'd like you to join me."

You blinked confusedly. Accompany him? You knew it wasn't much of a request, it was more of a demand since he was head of the Scouts so naturally, you agreed to go along.

Though you were not one hundred percent sure what you just signed up for.

"Glad to hear, soldier. I'll give you some time to get, er, changed and I'll meet you down at the stables. Make sure to gear up."

Embarrassment flooded you as you remembered your somewhat showy attire. He kept his eyes trained respectfully somewhere over your head and you gave him another salute.

"Yes, Commander. I'll be there in five."

After he was out of view, you bolted to your room as fast as your dainty little shoes could take you. The second the barrack door closed you began to strip off your clothes. While you slipped your uniform back on, you noticed the graceful braids wrapped around your head looked a bit out of place with the green cape and knee-high brown boots, but there was nothing you could really do about it. You didn't have the time to unwind every single lock of hair, not to mention it would look absolutely crazy and that wasn't necessarily the look you were going for today. You did pull the daisy from the back of your head though since you were supposed to look tough and important.

Sitting on the bed, you began to wrap and secure the rough, worn leather straps of your ODM gear around your torso and legs. You made sure to dress quickly since this always took you the most time. After how many years of being both a cadet and Scout, you still could never get it right the first time. You fastened the final belt across your chest and tugged at it to make sure it was in place. Taking one last glance in the mirror, you rushed from your room and pounded down the steps to get to the stables located behind the building.

You found Erwin checking the reins on his white stallion a few stalls away from where your own horse was being kept. Benjamin's big long brown face poked over the metal gate as he heard your approaching footsteps and you could see his eyes light up. He neighed and nudged your hand with his bulky head, making you chuckle.

"I know, I know, I'm happy to see you too Benny," you said quietly, pressing a quick kiss to the white patch between his eyes. "I'm sorry I left you for so long."

He was used to seeing you at least once a day back at home since you needed him for training. You also took extra time out of your week to groom him, making sure his mane was silky and his glossy hide was brushed to perfection. Every now and then, you would take him on longer rides through the woods surrounding the castle to clear your head and give him some exercise to keep him fit and healthy.

And of course you talked to him.

He knew some of your deepest darkest secrets and a few things even Jean didn't know. He had been so much more than your trusty steed, he had been your companion. He was given to you when you were a new recruit, your lover had just died and you were lost. Despite your other friends, you were still lonely and couldn't fully vent to anyone without feeling like a burden. On your rides through the pine trees, you told him about your history with Marco. You told him the mushy details you couldn't say out loud to the others. He listened intently to the story about him nervously asking you out behind the cadet dining hall during your first year with a bouquet of wildflowers. Or about the time he took you on a "date" in a tree. You had ended up spending the night cozied up with him in the canopy of leaves overlooking the lake and were almost late for drills the next day.

Or when you would tell Benjamin about your worries for the future, he would whinny once your voice began to sound too distressed. He somehow managed to soothe you and calm your overthinking mind. His chocolate eyes were always loving and understanding.

You finished saddling him up and swung yourself on top to meet the Commander, who was waiting at the stable entrance for you.

He met your eyes and raised his thick brows. "Ready to go?"

You smiled at him. "Ready."

The two of you must've looked very important because as you rode through the city, people immediately moved out of your path to make way. With him ahead of you, you felt powerful. Everybody knew who Erwin Smith of the Scout regiment was. Oh, how you could get used to this. Is this how Levi and Hanji felt all the time? It would explain why Levi always sat so straight that everyone joked he had a permanent stick up his ass. You sat higher up on your saddle and wore his signature stoic expression just for fun.

Hooves clattered against the streets as the northern gate came into view and you were a little confused when Erwin steered toward it. Wasn't he just attending strategy meetings or something? Granted, he never did fully explain what he was doing today or why he needed you to tag along for that matter, but you had just assumed it was something along those lines.

You both came to a halt in front of it and his hand shot straight into the air, giving the gatekeepers the signal. A head peeped out of a small window somewhere up above to see it was indeed the Commander and to grant you access into Wall Rose.

The ground shook and the clanking of chains began. A rush of air whooshed through the opening once your horses stepped forward, blowing your hair and Ben's mane. Once you were out of the small tunnel, Erwin turned around and smiled at you.

"We're heading northwest!"

The ground was softer now, muting the sound of hooves. You rode for a good amount of time, heading in the opposite direction you traveled to Trost. There were no trees in sight this time, just an expansive prairie with long, flowing grass that nearly reached the horses' undercarriages. There were rolling green hills up ahead for what looked to be miles, blocking your view of anything coming up.

To pass the time, you stared at the back of the blond man's head. Even in the fierce wind, every single perfectly groomed hair miraculously stayed in place. Either the man knew witchcraft or he owned an extremely good hair gel. Or maybe both, you didn't really know him on a personal level.

It had been nearly an hour before you began to hear yelling. As you reached the top of a hillock, you spotted four figures down below. You tried squinting your eyes to make out who it was, but you were still too far away to tell.

Eventually, two of them heard you and Erwin approach and spun around. Hands were raised, waving to greet you. When you did move near enough, you could tell it was Hanji and Moblit. You were surprised you didn't recognize Hanji's loud voice from further back.

"Hiii Erwin!" she trilled as the two of you dismounted your horses. "Oh, and (Name)! Good, you found her!"

She raced over with Moblit trailing wearily behind. Sunlight danced on the lenses of her thick glasses and she was giving you a megawatt smile. "So, are you here to be a part of our little experiment?"

Erwin chuckled lightly, he must've seen the concern flash across your face before you could answer.

"Not to worry, it's not on you," he nodded over to one of the two green hooded figures standing off to the side in the middle of a conversation.

At the sound of his deep voice, they both turned around. Brilliant turquoise eyes widened as they spotted you. An easiness replaced the intense expression on his face when he began to walk toward you along with a bored-looking Captain Levi.

"Hey, what are you doing here?"

You still couldn't get over how this man's mood changed like a light switch.

"I... honestly don't know," you looked at the tall Commander beside you for help.

A look passed between him and Levi and it made you a bit uneasy once more. Was your first guess right and he was going to have the Captain beat your ass? Damn, you didn't really take yourself seriously at the time but now it could be possible. Then he gave you a cordial smile. "I'll have Levi explain."

And with that, he gestured for Eren to come with him.

As he passed, Eren leaned in and murmured, "I like the hair." He twisted a loose braid between his fingers and it sent a shock of electricity through your body before he walked off with Erwin, Hanji, and Moblit.

Levi rolled his eyes at your exchange and motioned with his head for you to follow him. He led you over to the top of a small hill overlooking the field and stood there beside you for several moments watching the long green grass billow in the wind. You weren't sure if you were supposed to say something or not until he inhaled deeply through his nose and spoke.

"On this next expedition, I'd like to have you on my squad."

He didn't waste any time on getting to the point and you stumbled back in surprise.

"Wait, really? Me?" His eyes flicked to yours. "With all due respect, sir... why me?"

Originally you thought you were going to be in trouble for something or be on the receiving end of one of Levi's famous "disciplinary punishments", but instead he wanted you on his team? Second of all, you really did wonder why he wanted you, there were countless other eager able-bodied soldiers for the picking. Anyone with a shred of common sense would work hard for an offer like this.

He faced the landscape again and took on something like a sarcastic tone. "Do you not feel up for the task?"

"No!" you exclaimed, "I mean no, sir."

"Tch. Well since you want to know so badly, we're in need of an extra person to help protect Eren. We've had some pretty close calls on the last few missions and I believe that Eren won't feel so reckless if he has an extra," he quoted with his fingers, "'guard' around. Someone well trained and disciplined. Someone he knows well."

He flipped his raven bangs from his forehead and continued, "We're hoping the bastard won't be so eager to turn into a 15-meter freak of nature and will learn to control himself instead. And he seems to respond best to you..."

Levi trailed off vaguely and you raised your eyebrows. You hadn't ever been outside the walls in the same group as Eren since he was always with the elites for his safety, but you could very clearly imagine him acting the way Levi described. Between knowing his tendencies from your cadet days and Petra's frustrated stories she would tell whenever you all returned home, you knew he was being a pain in the ass. Per usual.

"I don't know about that last part," you gave a small laugh, "but I'm willing to do whatever you need me to."

He studied your face with his unreadable silver eyes. "Are you prepared for anything to happen?"

This was a test.

You met his challenging stare and tilted your head a bit. "I don't think anyone is ever truly ready for anything that's thrown at us out there. Making a life-impacting decision that can affect your entire team in a split second is something not a lot of people can do, but I feel I'm a well-equipped fighter and decision maker. My faith is in my comrades and I'm willing to give my heart. You can count on me to take any order you have for me and be the best soldier I can be."

He continued to survey your expression for any sign you were going to crack, but you were confident.

"Good girl."

He turned away and began down the hill. You had passed. Your heart soared at the extremely rare bit of praise he just rewarded you. A self-satisfied smile grew on your lips and you followed him back to the others with a new bounce in your step.

"Ahh, you're back just in time!" Hanji was vibrating with excitement as she grabbed you by the shoulders. "Are you ready to see something amazing?" She pointed to Eren who was standing still a few feet away.

Both of you looked confused so she clarified and waved a hand dismissively, "Not how he is now right now, silly! No, this will be _much_ more exciting!"

You didn't mean to laugh at the offended look on Eren's face but you did. His brows furrowed and he wasn't aware he was pouting. And it was kinda cute.

"Oi, I suggest if you don't want to be blown to a million pieces you should get out of there," called Levi. He and Erwin had already mounted their horses and were backing up a bit.

You and Moblit went to clamber onto your own horses while Hanji explained some last-minute instructions to Eren who was nodding in agreement. Kicking your heels, you began to follow your superiors further away from the two of them. Once Eren was a little speck in the middle of the field, the four of you decided it was a safe distance and a few minutes later Hanji sidled up beside you. Everyone's hands cupped over their ears as she dug around for something in her saddlebag, so you mirrored their motions and did the same. When she finally found what she was looking for, one arm rose into the air while the other covered an ear and she shot off a flare.

A cloud of hazy green smoke filled the air for a few moments before a burst of blinding light came from where Eren had just been. An ivory skeleton began to materialize from thin air. Fingers grew into arms and quickly became wrapped in bright pink muscle and a layer of skin. Viridescent eyes shone from under long wild brown hair, and a mouth full of teeth the size of your head unhinged and let out a feral roar that shook you to your core.

You had seen Eren's titan form before but only from a very far distance. Now that you were here fairly close to it, you knew your mind had been underestimating just how tall 15-meters really was. He could literally reach an arm up and pluck a bird from the sky, and the thought was absolutely insane to you.

There was a thump beside you as Hanji's boots hit the earth and she instantaneously took off running. You could barely hear Moblit's anxious calls over her maniacal laughter. You and Erwin caught Levi's annoyed look and you all dismounted and raced after her.

"Ereeeen!" she sang loudly and began to slow down once she approached his gargantuan foot. The rest of you caught up and were catching your breath except for Moblit. He was used to this.

"Section Commander, you're too close! We don't know how he'll react yet," he groaned and stood close behind her.

Levi narrowed his eyes and moved forward, giving a sharp kick to the side of Eren's ankle. You couldn't believe he just did that. Everybody braced themselves for the worst with their blades out.

Would your friend stomp you into a bloody pulp at any second?

A minute passed. No reaction.

He had a track record of going rogue, but it seemed today was not one of those days. He was somehow getting a grasp on controlling his titan. He stood perfectly still and angled his brutish head to the rest of you down on the ground below.

Gray eyes landed on you. "If you're going to be on my squad, we have to see how he reacts to you."

You tried your best not to show the slight alarm you felt. This wasn't just a regular, slower-moving titan or even an abnormal for that matter. This was a human being _inside_ of one, controlling its every movement at will. He could kill you just as easily as you would a pesky mosquito.

Wires shot from his gear and a hook landed in the flesh of Eren's neck. You expected him to lash out and rip it from his neck, but it didn't seem to bother him in the slightest. He zipped up into the air and you followed him somewhat grudgingly, landing alongside him on a monstrous shoulder. Once your boots hit his skin, you tried not to make any sudden movements or sounds.

Unlike your Captain.

"Oi, ugly. Can you hear me?" Levi stamped his foot.

You internally panicked and kept your gaze trained on his hands. At any sign of sudden movement, you'd fly away in a flash to avoid a very inconvenient death. A beady green eye rolled to the side to look at the two of you.

Attempting to make your movements slow, you stood from your crouched position. You were treating him as if you would a stray animal you were trying not to spook. Levi really didn't seem to give a fuck though and it made you nervous.

"Okay," he said in a voice you wished he would keep a little quieter, "I'm going to leave you up here by yourself so he can recognize you and see you're not a threat."

"Uh, yes sir." He reached down to pull the trigger of his ODM gear but you stopped him.

"Wait!" you whispered, "What am I supposed to do?"

"I don't know, just talk to him or something," his lip almost twitched and he shot back down to solid ground, leaving you alone with... a titan. A titan that was your friend.

Dear Sina, what a notion.

You turned your head to see Eren's sights set on you alone now. His pupil was contracting and dilating again, taking you in. Slowly, you began to walk along his shoulder so he could see you clearly and you stopped at the curve of his neck.

"Eren," you said steadily, "Do you know who I am?"

He waited for a beat before giving a single nod and a rush of air hit you at his movement. You gave a half startled half excited laugh and clapped a hand over your mouth. Suddenly you knew how Hanji felt as she looked on enviously from the below.

You were starting to feel more comfortable, so you reached a hand up and grabbed onto a stray piece of wild untamed hair. Then you began to examine his face. It really was pretty eerie how he stared at you through deep, hollowed sockets with eyes the same exact shade as his human ones. His pointed ears were longer than you were at full height and his angular face was much sharper than his normal slightly rounded cheeks.

"You know, you're pretty ugly like this. I prefer regular Eren."

Emerald eyes dilated once more and that was the only indication you had that he heard you.

Head leaning back, you stared into them. "You can't talk like this, can you?"

His jaw cracked open a bit and a loud puff of steam was expelled with a rumbling huff.

You tapped your foot. "I'll take that as a no." 

Eren definitely recognized you and had even proved it, so you landed on the ground and relayed the account of your exchange to everybody else. Levi seemed to accept it and Erwin nodded approvingly. Now that you had completed what you came for, you returned to your horses with the two of them while Hanji and Moblit carried out experiments.

You got to see Eren practice his hardening skills and it was terrifying, to say the least. He held his fists high in the air and an icy blue crystal-like substance formed intricate plates over his knuckles. A loud boom echoed through the empty field and probably even carried all the way to Trost as he demolished the hill you had been standing on with Levi earlier that afternoon. They also had him try out some new combat techniques just in case you had an emergency during the mission.

Eventually, Hanji was satisfied and bouncing with elation. Her notebook was filled with all the useful information gathered today and she called it a day.

Everybody was getting ready to go when you noticed Eren didn't have a horse. Apparently, on the way there, Eren had ridden with Hanji. You offered to let him ride with you on the trek back, and Erwin allowed it since it would probably be more comfortable for him because you were friends. That and he wanted to spare him from her never-ending chatter and theories.

He also saw the look Levi shot him saying he didn't want Eren riding with him, so you were pretty much the only choice.

You scooted to the very front of your saddle and held Benjamin still with your legs. Eren mounted a moment later and settled himself behind you. He placed his hands on either side of your waist just above your hips. You had to stop yourself from blushing when his fingers splayed and gripped tight. The way he was holding you was almost intimate.

Digging your heels into Ben's sides, you followed everybody else back to the wall.

The steady pace of the horses forced him even closer as time wore on. There was no room for him to move, so he was now pressed flush to your back. He was emitting heat like a furnace and small trindles of healing steam rose into the air as you rode on. His knees pressed into the backs of your thighs and you could feel the rise and fall of his labored breaths since his chest was at your shoulder blades.

Furrowing your brows, you turned around in concern. "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine," he said shortly.

But you knew Eren Jaeger would say that even if he was on the verge of death.

You twisted further and examined his face. In the afternoon light, you got your first good look at him since the experiments concluded. Red shifter marks ran from his undereyes to his jawline and temples. Underneath the beginning of the lines were dark circles and from the was he was halfway slumped against you, you could tell he was practically drooping from exhaustion but didn't want to let on. You were sure a night of drinking didn't help either.

His eyes lazily connected with yours and he tried his best to conceal his fatigue, but he knew you had seen it by the sad smile on your face. You let go of the reins with one hand and placed it over one of his on your hips.

"Hold on, okay? We don't have much longer."

You faced forward once more. A second later, his arms extended and wrapped around your middle while a heavy weight landed on your shoulder. Glancing to the side, you saw Eren's head mere inches from your own. He nestled his face sweetly into the crook between your neck and cloak, eyes closed. You could tell he was trying to control his breathing and calm himself down after being a test subject for the better part of the day.

Leaning your own head down and pressing your cheek to his, you let him rest.

~~

Once you returned to HQ, the Commander's last order of the day was to take Eren to the infirmary for a quick checkup since he had woken up, and thankfully he had a little more energy than before. But taking him to the infirmary was seeming to become a common theme for you.

In the stables, you and Eren hopped down from Benjamin as Levi settled his own horse back into his stall.

"(Last Name)."

Levi's voice stopped you as you began to unbuckle your saddle. You turned to see his head looking at you sideways with an almost amused expression.

"Yes sir?" you asked somewhat puzzled.

"What's on the bottom of your boots?"

You met his steely stare for a moment before slowly lifting your left foot and staring at the bottom of your shoe. You immediately recognized the blue, yellow, and pink pastels that greeted you. It was chalk from the game of hopscotch you had played with the children at the market the day before.

"Jaeger."

Eren turned in confusion to the sound of his voice. Levi's dark head gestured to his boots as well. "Lift up your shoe."

He frowned and stepped out of your stall. Leaning forward slightly, he bent his knee to see the bottom. It was just as colorful as your own. He tried to make his frown deeper to ward off a smile as the realization hit him.

"What the hell is that?"

You hurried to answer. "Oh uh, it's chalk, sir. We must've stepped in a children's drawing or something by accident. You see, we went to the city market yesterday." You tried to give a convincing smile.

"Uh huh." His unconvinced eyes flicked to Eren. Then he began to exit, talking over his shoulder, "Wash that shit off before you come back inside. Tch, hopscotch. Damn messy game."

Once he left, you and Eren exchanged entertained looks and burst out laughing. Of course Levi would find you out.

You finished restocking Ben's hay supply even though you had people that would do that for you and gave him an apple from a nearby barrel. Figuring it would distract him, you tried to sneak out of the stable without him noticing. But you were wrong.

A distraught neigh came from over the wall and you wheeled around to see big sad chocolate eyes watching your retreating form. Eren chuckled.

"He really likes you, huh?"

You sighed and shook your head. "Apparently so."

The stables grew smaller behind the two of you and the sun warmed your skin as you began to make your way to the infirmary to drop him off.

"Hey," he grabbed your wrist suddenly, spinning you back toward him, "Is it okay if we don't go to the infirmary yet?"

You looked up at him and his face still held a hint of exhaustion.

"I'm tired of people poking and prodding at me," he said quietly. You felt pity for him and your expression softened.

But Erwin had ordered you to. You bit your lip indecisively. _He's not bleeding or anything,_ your mind reasoned, _he's just a little weary is all. Nothing serious._ Even though you hated going against commands, especially after earning a spot on Levi's squad for the next mission, your feelings won in the end.

"Alright, I suppose so. Do you want me to walk you to your room or something?"

He listed his head, brown tufts of hair falling into his eyes. "Hmm, no."

You were caught off guard and your heart sunk at how fast he made his decision. He didn't even try to let you down slowly.

"I have a better idea," his slightly playful voice brought you back to reality. Your confused eyes flit over to his and he managed to give you a lopsided grin. "C'mon."

Fifteen minutes later, the two you stood craning your neck to the cloudless sky.

"Uh... I don't think we're supposed to go up there, Eren."

He shrugged a shoulder. "Fine, don't be fun again." Metal hooks cut through the air and anchored into hundred year stone. "Just like last night..."

With that, he gave you a look and shot into the air with a high pitched zipping noise.

"Hey! I am fun!" you growled and took off after him.

The ground beneath you grew smaller as you scaled the 50-meter wall hemming Trost in. Your stomach flipped as you teetered on the edge with a yip before balancing yourself. Eren was dusting himself off and laughing at you.

You scowled and stepped away from the ledge. "You wouldn't be laughing if I were plummeting to my death right now, would you?"

"No, I wouldn't."

"Exactl-"

He opened his mouth and cut you off. "Because I'd be too busy saving your clumsy ass."

His eyes widened at the same time yours did. Once he saw the look on your face, Eren made a run for it and you tore after him.

"Oi! I thought you were tired!" you called as his boots pounded ahead of you.

He huffed out a heavy breath and began to lose momentum. "I am, but you're scary!"

You were beginning to gain on him. "Oh please, you've ripped off titan heads with your bare hands!

"Not... the same... thing!" he rasped and turned around in shock as you were right behind him. You lept forward and tackled him to the ground. His back hit the stone with a gasp and you landed on his firm chest.

"Ha," you panted and flipped the hair out of your face, "that's what you get for calling me names!"

He groaned and shifted beneath you, propping himself up on an elbow.

At the moment he sat up, you realized just how close you were to him. His clear eyes rounded even more once he noticed your nearness as well. His pink lips were parted slightly in surprise and you could feel the ragged breaths expelled from them against your own. Your chests were pressed tightly together and you were suddenly aware of how his hands rested just below your breasts bracing your fall. Did that mean he could feel the hammering of your heart against your ribs?

Because you sure felt his.

You stammered something incoherent and tried to roll off his body as gracefully as you could in your flustered state. _Shit, now I can't even look at him._

But you couldn't help it.

You took a quick peek out of the corner of your eye to see him staring right at you from under dark brows with his head lowered slightly.

 _It was funny how unaware you were,_ he thought to himself as his intent gaze raked over your skin. Oh how cute you looked all shy on top of him a moment ago, soft cheeks glowing pink and your innocent little mouth open wide in shock. You had no idea how badly he had wanted to take his time and drag his palms up your body until they cupped your breasts, kneading mercilessly until you cried out his name.

But he didn't know if you felt the same.

Sure, last night you taunted him at the tavern by trailing your alluring eyes down his own body. That could've easily been the alcohol talking since he knew you weren't much of a drinker. But it didn't stop him from having a hard-on all night.

He pursed his lips and stood, shrugging his jacket back on since it had fallen off when you took him down.

You straightened the harness across your chest and forced your heart to calm, choosing to ignore what just happened. Stepping to the opposite edge of the wall, you put your hands on your pockets and stared over as a distraction.

"It's a long way down."

Feet shuffled closer, kicking dislodged pebbles off the side and into no man's land.

"Sure is."

He bent down to sit with a grunt. You sat down next to him and swung your legs over the sharp ledge. If you fell, it would be fine. You still had your gear on and the suicidal maniac beside you would come to your rescue the second you needed him, no matter how tired he was.

You had to hand it to him. Though he inevitably ran into danger on a whim, he was always willing to lay his life down for his comrades despite Levi keeping him in a cage of elites at all times beyond the walls. And he kind of already had in a way. The last time you were here in Trost, he saved Armin's life by flinging him from a titan's deadly jaws and taking his place instead. He wouldn't be here today if it weren't for his shifting abilities.

Looking over at him, you noticed the red scars that marred his face were beginning to disappear in little wisps of steam swirling in the air. He was gazing tranquil over into Wall Maria and brown hairs were being blown across his forehead. You couldn't help but lean back on your hands and simply observe him. This man was a turning point in the war humanity was currently locked in. With the help of the Scouts, he could singlehandedly win this fight and take back the land that once belonged to your ancestors.

It was funny, though. The history of the realm inside walls only dated back a hundred years or so and nobody knew any better. Did the world suddenly pop into existence? Or did it begin sometime before then and there were no written records to give the people of your day any insight on what life was like back during those times? Sometimes you and Armin pondered how that could be, but even his mind, the sharpest mind you knew, failed him.

In the back of your own mind you believed deep down it was none of those things, something was off. And Armin knew it as well.

Eren gave a long yawn beside you and dragged his hands over his face. He turned to you with droopy eyelids and puffy cheeks. You couldn't help but smile.

"Someone needs to get to sleep at a good time tonight," you teased, nudging him with your arm lightly.

The sky was turning into a blazing amber in front of you and it was a familiar color you couldn't quite put your finger on. The sun was setting low on the horizon and the wind was picking up again, making your green capes billow in the breeze behind your backs. A few stray titans were at the wall beneath you and were scraping at them with lazy arms, unable to reach you as you rested high upon the barricade of your safe prison.

He snorted. "It's not easy with a distraction."

 _Distraction?_ You tipped your head in question but didn't ask. You got the feeling he wouldn't tell you either way.

"Well, we gotta try to since we leave really early tomorrow. Erwin mentioned to me he wants us to leave the Karanes gate well before noon, so that means leaving Trost pretty early. Ugh," you laid back with your eyes to the sky and arms folded beneath your head, "I'm not looking forward to waking up then."

He shifted and raised his eyes to the vivid heavens above as well. "Yeah."

Eren fell silent for a few moments. You could tell by the fierce expression that passed over his features that he was deep in thought about tomorrow's expedition. His fingertips were twitching the slightest bit, itching to kill. To bury his blades into the ones who stole his mother from him. The ones who stole his childhood and innocence.

The creatures who slaughtered Marco.

He was ready to face the monsters that took everything from both of you.

...But were you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Moblit deserves the world and you cannot convince me otherwise.


	9. Exposed

You were so glad you heeded your own advice and had gone to bed early the night before. A look of exhaustion took over nearly every Scout's face as you came to a halt just outside Karanes District. Despite not sleeping the greatest, you were most likely one of the few who had the most rest. Judging by the dark shadows ringing your comrade's sunken eyes, you could tell they had been out partying late into the night. Some groaned and clutched their heads from hangovers and earned severe glares from the Captain while you waited at the gate.

So smart of them to fuck around before a big operation.

The morning sun's rays were just beginning to stretch to where the entire regiment was grouped, tinting everything in its path a rosy hue. Dewdrops were dripping down tall blades of grass and the horses were breathing clouds of condensation into the air as they huffed and shifted beneath their riders.

Soon enough, the heavy gate lifted before you and the horses began to trot inside. As you took a look at your surroundings, the city was just as you remembered; the same size as Trost but with an entirely different layout. You couldn't help but admire the mesmerizing brick patterns that lined the streets, it gave the town a charming touch. The building styles were a little different as well, the houses here were shorter and longer.

Karanes was beginning to wake up around you, a few townspeople roamed around with baskets hanging from their elbows, and children still wearing nightclothes were chasing each other around their doorsteps. There weren't as many actual shops like Trost though, here there were predominantly stalls and marketplaces. You passed by a vendor setting up his booth for the day, he was unloading several different crates of fresh produce. Crisp red and green apples peeked out of one of the cases and they glistened in the early light. You and Sasha on your other side exchanged a longing look.

It was a shame you wouldn't get to spend the day here, you always enjoyed your stays in the quieter city. As soon as the Scouts were to arrive at the new headquarters, you would be put to work either gathering a few last supplies or going over a thorough checklist to make sure everything was ready to go for this afternoon. But fortunately, if you returned from the expedition you would get to spend the night here and it was possible you could have the chance to explore the quaint town a bit.

If everything went as planned, of course.

The ride through the wide street was hushed, minus the clatter of hooves against brick and the occasional yawn from somebody around you. The ride was giving people the chance to wake up a little more before getting to work. And after a little while longer of trotting along the main road, you could see the top of the HQ building peeking over the flat rooftops as you drew nearer.

Arriving at last, you guided Benjamin under the arched stone entrance and came to a halt on the grassy courtyard along with several dozen others. Dismounting him, you touched down and began to stretch your already aching muscles while even more soldiers filed into the cramped yard. Ben shook out his mane and whinnied while you popped your shoulder joint, letting out a sigh of satisfaction.

"Oh goodness, didn't that hurt?" asked Armin from behind you. He was stepping down from his own horse and staring at you with a slightly uncomfortable look on his normally friendly face.

A grin began to spread across your lips as a noisy crack sounded on the other side of your Ben. You caught sight of Sasha with both hands clutching her head, neck bent at an almost disturbing angle.

"It feels good!" she told Armin as her ponytail swung behind her.

His expression turned into one of fright while your shoulders began to shake from suppressed giggles. Suddenly, an even louder ungodly sounding crunch assaulted your ears and all three of you spun around to see Connie crouched down, back hunched forward. He lifted from the ground with a grunt and his knees let out a very painful sound as well. He caught your eye and the three of you started laughing so hard you had to hang onto each other to stand upright.

"What is wrong with you people!" cried out Armin, shielding his face and cringing away.

"I was just about to ask the same thing."

Heads whipped around to see Captain Levi standing before you, hands on his hips not looking very amused.

Everyone immediately jumped into a salute at his intimidating presence, even those around you. Sasha's fist trembled on her chest. She blinked rapidly and tried to improve the situation. "Sir, would you like to join us in popping-"

"No." He answered, silvery eyes turning into slits as he looked at her in disbelief of how much of an idiot she was. Then they turned on you and you desperately searched for any sign of friendliness, but to no avail. "(Last Name), with me. Springer, see to her horse."

And with that, he abruptly turned with a swish of his cloak and left you gaping stupidly in his wake. Somehow you gathered yourself with a "yes sir!" and let go of Sasha and Connie's shoulders. You quickly wiped tears of laughter from your lashes and willed yourself to be serious as you fell into step behind him. You could practically feel everyone's confused stares burning a hole through your back as you followed him through the courtyard.

How embarrassing. He was probably regretting bringing you onto his squad at this very moment.

You walked in silence with him as you entered the significantly smaller HQ building. Lifting your eyes, you noticed the ceilings were lower and there were many more hallways than the building you had been staying in the past few days. Levi led you through a series of confusing twists and turns and you were simply trying to keep up with his brisk stride, attempting to keep your gaze trained on the back of his dark head. Damn, he moved fast for someone with legs that size. You were doing your best not to step on the toes of other military members milling about the hallways while you practically sprinted behind him. Finally, he stopped to open a door and you nearly ran straight into him. Luckily he didn't notice (or pretended not to) and marched in, leaving you to catch the closing door and slide in behind him.

The room you were in seemed to be a small office, tall dusty bookcases lined both walls and Hanji was hunched over a mahogany desk before you. She looked up once she sensed you and Levi standing there and her face broke into a dazzling smile.

"Ahh, our rising star has arrived!" she adjusted her glasses to see you thumping your fist against your chest and folding the other behind your back, "Levi, have you shown her the formation yet?"

"Tch. If I had she wouldn't be here right now, Four-eyes." He stepped to the opposite side of the desk and straightened the bent corners of the parchment laid out before him. Then his eyes snapped to you still standing in the doorway holding your salute.

"Are you coming or what, brat?"

"Ah, yes sir!" you nearly jumped from your position and scurried over between him and Hanji while averting your eyes from his steely gaze.

Hanji clicked her tongue and smoothed down a few creases lining the parchment as well. "Play nice, Levi! Don't scare off the new member of your squad just yet," she gave a playful wink in your direction while he rolled his eyes. "Now, we wanted to quickly go over your position in the formation. So first things first, as for where you were previously placed, completely forget that information."

The night after the expedition was first announced, Hanji and Miche had gathered everybody and gone in-depth about where every soldier was placed and what their task was. Each person received their own individual copy of the formation and you recalled looking over it and breathing a sigh of relief with Jean when you discovered the two of you weren't placed as right-wing spotters. Nobody in their right mind would want to be a spotter. You and the other experienced Scouts called them the "splatters" from their track record of getting wiped out.

You nodded and tried not to let your face betray your puzzled thoughts.

Levi's slender finger circled over a spot at the top middle of the organized chart. "This is where we'll be. You already know your job. The wagons will be behind us and we'll have Eren, safest place to be. And if there happen to be any titans that break past the front lines, they're more than likely going to be abnormals," his sharp expression landed on you, "Do not take them out unless I command you to."

And with the tone he held, you knew if you were to break his rule and survive the titans, you would die by his hand instead.

"I won't, sir."

Hanji scratched her chin and tapped above and to the left of where Levi had pointed. "Erwin, Miche, Moblit, and I will be here if you need any backup for some reason or another. Shoot off a purple flare and one of us will make an effort to be there as quickly as possible."

The two of them took a bit of time and went thoroughly over your position once more along with situational scenarios. Levi also told you to keep quiet about your "promotion" just as a cautionary. You had furrowed your eyebrows in puzzlement when he mentioned it but you didn't end up questioning it. Just because you were considered an elite for this one assignment didn't mean you had full access to the higherup's information. Sometimes you wondered if even the Captain always knew what type of game plan was forming inside the Commander's head.

The sun was higher in the sky by the time you left the meeting. You felt more confident than when you first arrived, you realized as you walked through the light filtering through the windows. Sure, you still had several questions that wouldn't be answered no matter how many times you asked, but you felt as if you had gained a fair amount of knowledge and that you were prepared to leave at last. While you tried to find your way back down the winding hallways Levi had dragged you down, you kept an eye out for Jean. You hadn't seen him since yesterday and wanted to see how the rest of his visit with his mother went.

But by the time you made it back outside, he was nowhere to be seen. You frowned. _It's probably for the better,_ you thought, you were sure he'd ask about where you were in the formation again anyways. That was how it always went; whenever you'd get your sheet before an expedition, you always memorized where your friends would be so you could keep an ear out for news if they weren't assigned to your group. Jean, however, would also take one look at where you would be and completely forget the next moment.

So you were used to him asking over and over in the days leading up to trips where you would be placed.

You returned to the courtyard and searched for your friends, and after a few seconds, you found them standing idly under a stone overhang. Sasha and Connie seemed to be eating something and Armin had left, presumably to find Eren and Mikasa. However, you noticed Reiner and Bertolt had replaced him as you made your way through the throng of people. You also observed how some of those around you were holding sandwiches or various packs of food as well and your stomach rumbled as if on command. Oh, how you hoped they didn't make you miss breakfast.

You caught Bert's eye since he stood so high over the crowd when you arrived at the other side of the stretch of grass. He nodded and gave a quick smile, moving over slightly to let you squeeze between him and Reiner. Sasha and Connie noticeably perked up at your appearance and Reiner greeted you by ruffling your hair.

"Oh good, you're back!" exclaimed Sasha while you shoved the man's hand off your disheveled hair with a frown. "They announced a little while ago that we can eat breakfast and since you were gone, we got you some!"

"And this idiot almost ate your share," grumbled Connie smacking the back of her head lightly, "so he has it." He gestured towards Reiner who was holding out a small loaf of bread and a brown package to you.

You took it with a grateful smile and dug in. Your stomach had been pretty empty after that amazing omelet yesterday, so the bread tasted better than usual as you ripped a hunk off with your teeth.

_Savor this,_ a voice in the back of your head said to you, _this could be the last meal you could share with everyone. Or it could be your own last meal._

Trying to keep the troublesome thoughts at bay, you chose to force yourself to lighten up. Letting your mind wander to dark places before a mission never helped anything; if something happens, it happens. And that's that. So you took in the safety of your friends and enjoyed your final moments of calamity under the morning sun. You let their carefree laughter and jokes bring an easy smile to your face. If all hell breaks loose later, at least you'll have this small moment of joy to look back on.

Because if anyone in the world deserved happiness, it was the people filling the courtyard around you.

~~

"Survey Core!" Commander Erwin boomed from the front line. "This marks the 56th expedition beyond the walls."

Hundreds of Scouts crowded the small main street on their steeds. Every pair of eyes were trained on their Commander on his regal snow-white horse. People lined the streets around you and starry-eyed children hung over their window sills in anticipation to watch your departure. Their enthusiastic murmurs reached your ears but were soon drowned out. You searched the heads around you for any sign of either Eren or Jean; you hadn't seen either one of them all morning and it was making you slightly uneasy. If something happened to your best friend out there, you would never get the chance to say goodbye. Your stomach clenched. _Don't think about that._

You felt less anxious about Eren, however. Even though you couldn't see him from where you were placed, you knew he was surrounded by elites and would be protected at all costs. You would meet back up with him and the others in a few hours. Miche had the idea to keep you in the center ranks until the formation expanded just for secrecy purposes and thankfully no one had questioned it yet.

You turned your attention back to Erwin.

"My soldiers, today we take one step closer to humanity's freedom. Our bravery will change the world we live in! One day, we will not be caged in by walls. We will not have to live our lives in fear. We will bring an end to this madness and eradicate every titan in our path!"

A single sharp blade pierced the air and a ray of sunlight reflected from it, drawing everyone's eyes to their Commander's weapon.

"A day may come when we lose, but it is not today! Today we fight!" he roared.

Electrified shouts and cheers rang out over the brick street as the gate rumbled to life. Hundreds of swords were drawn and thrust into the sky. The mural of the heavenly goddess Rose was gradually drawn up into the ancient towering walls and Erwin cried out once more.

"Advance, my soldiers!"

His stallion charged forward and his faithful regiment followed suit. The clatter of a thousand hooves deafened any second thoughts you were having. The wall loomed closer and closer and was soon overhead as you passed through the darkened tunnel. Gusts of chilly wind billowed through the dim atmosphere, blowing your hair from your forehead as the light grew wider in front of you.

Seconds later, you were blinded by the brightness of the early afternoon sun. Your head was tilted up, blinking away the spots in your vision as you took in the open expanse of sky right before your eyes. Birds soared freely, drifting in the light breeze. This was the only time you felt like them. You dropped Ben's reins and extended your arms to the side not caring if anybody was watching. Your forest green cloak rippled behind you and it made you feel weightless.

The wreckage of what used to be houses lined the worn path from the gate and hemmed you in on either side. They had long since been destroyed and trampled by titans in search of food. Broken beams and planks stuck out at odd angles and were rotting from being exposed to the elements. The horses had to swerve to avoid sharp nails and wreckage since it littered the flattened ground. Taking a quick glance down, you caught sight of a child's toy lying discarded in a haste to evacuate.

Or maybe its owner never even made it into the city alive.

"Incoming from the left!" came a shout from up ahead. You looked up to see a titan lumbering on the edge of the settlement. It was only a 4-meter and was too far away for you to do anything, so you veered sharply to the right along with the rest while a couple of people went to take out the threat.

You always seemed to underestimate just how big they truly were, you thought as you observed the small figures flying around the titan from a distance. Even the ones in the 3-4 meter class were considerably bigger than you. They never had posted much of a threat, but you knew in a larger group they could be deadly to a single soldier.

They had easily cleaned up the titan and as you continued on, there had only been a few more smaller titans milling around. One had leapt out from behind a nearly leveled house and snapped its jaws right where someone had been moments before, but your comrades were quick to react and they sliced the nape instantly. Fortunately, there had been no deaths yet and things were under the impression of going smoothly. But as someone who had been outside these walls numerous times, you knew things could change in less than a second.

As the walls eventually grew smaller in the distance, you began to pay more attention to your surroundings. That previous sense of freedom had left your body and all that was left was adrenalin coursing through your veins. The formation had spread to where you could barely spot the next closest soldier from a distance and as soon as they were out of sight, you'd follow the next step of Miche's plan and rendezvous with Levi's squad up ahead.

This was normally around the time you began to feel the anxiety creep in. Knowing your peers weren't readily by your side to help neutralize an immediate threat did frighten you a bit even though you knew deep down you were a more than capable fighter. It wasn't that you weren't confident in your abilities, you just liked to play it safe since it was only your life on the line after all. Fingers flexing on the cool metal trigger of your flare gun, you scanned your surroundings for the millionth time. No titan was going to catch you unawares.

Rolling hills were sprawled across the territory for as far as you could see. You knew it flattened out at some point and that would be safer. Every time you reached a new ridge, you tensed and prepared to spring from your horse in a different direction. The bastards were known to be found waiting at the bottom since it was your only blind spot. Last time you had been out here, you witnessed one sink its teeth into the unsuspecting soldier mere feet from you, biting her clean in half from the waist up. Her legs remained on her still-riding horse and it was one of the most gruesome things you had seen in a while.

The memory sent an eerie chill down your spine. It was too quiet out here and you didn't want to be alone anymore.

Taking one last glance over both shoulders, you didn't spot a single soul. The large knolls would conceal you if there happened to be anybody nearby, so you kicked your heels and whipped your reins, spurring Ben even faster.

Most horses had difficulty navigating the steep terrain, but not yours. Over the years, you had worked with him so often back at the castle grounds. Just south of the stables, there was a very similar expanse of prairie where you trained him day after day. Occasionally, Jean would join you with Buchwald and you'd ride and show off for hours at a time. Sometimes you even missed dinner to Sasha's horror. Benjamin had become very agile over time and it served to improve your performance during both training and missions while deepening your bond with him at the same time.

He galloped easily over every curve of the land, never once slipping up. You pulled your compass from your pocket as you rode and checked your course. Due south-east, perfect. It shut with a metallic click and you surveyed the land once more.

A cloudless sapphire sky sat over the expanse of bright green grass that stretched out ahead of you. Long blades swayed lazily in the breeze and small purple flowers bloomed from the cracked dirt in tiny bunches.

The world was sure beautiful for being a living hell.

To try and ease your racing mind, you thought about the task at hand. Back in Trost, Erwin had disclosed what exactly the mission was for. Deep within Wall Maria's territory, there was an underground bunker of some sort that had been made sometime before the wall had been compromised as a precaution for that very situation. It had been used by the Scouts even before you had joined, but hadn't been used in years and needed restocking since food supplies had more than likely gone bad. You were also highly suspicious that Levi would make the entire regiment scrub it from top to bottom.

In all honesty, you really didn't know what to expect when you arrived.

By the time you reached the weathered fences that still stood from a farm that had once been there, you knew you were heading in the right direction and that the walls were hours behind you now. In your peripheral vision, you could see a wooden wagon being pulled by two horses. As soon as you dug your heels in to speed up once more and get out of sight, a flare shot high up over a distant hill, staining the sky scarlet.

You weren't very alarmed, however. It seemed to be quite a way back and then you remembered Mikasa was somewhere around there.

Nothing to worry about then.

Small figures began to differentiate from the horizon as the land leveled out a bit and Ben plowed faster still. You could see a cluster of green cloaked riders, but you couldn't tell anybody apart from other comrades from the hoods that covered their heads.

Is this Levi's squad?

It took you another fifteen minutes to catch up. You neared close enough for them to hear your shout. "Captain, I made it!"

Several heads whipped around at the sudden voice and you scanned every new face for a familiar one. You were beginning to think you did in fact have the wrong group until your searching gaze landed on the man with slender gray eyes and a dark undercut.

"Good work, Soldier," he said with an ever so slight hint of approval before turning back around to face the sprawling field.

Those three words made you sit up higher on your saddle.

"Hey," came Eren's greeting from somewhere behind Levi. You didn't originally see him past the others, but despite his serious expression he still bobbed his head in your direction to acknowledge your arrival. You gave him a small smile and tried to calm your drumming pulse.

_Don't embarrass yourself, especially here._

Four heads were still openly staring at you from over their shoulders wondering just how you had earned Levi's acceptance without technically being an elite. One of them broke into a grin and you recognized your roommate. Her strawberry blonde hair had been concealed beneath her hood.

"Hey, you made it!" she looked genuinely happy to see you. "Oluo, move over!"

The man named Oluo huffed in annoyance but did as she ordered. "Petra dear, you have got to stop bossing me-"

"So you must be the star soldier we've been hearing so much about," came a deep voice to your left. As Ben fell into a gallop beside Petra's horse, you saw the man flanking her. He had a square jaw and his blond hair was pulled into a tight bun at the back of his head.

One side of his lip turned up in an offer of friendliness. "I'm Eld, nice to finally meet you."

"And I'm Gunther," added the final stranger. You turned your head to see him. He was tan with a strong look about him and he gave a small nod.

"Nice to meet you all," you offered them your most dashing yet professional smile.

"Oi, I didn't introduce myself yet!" Oluo whined on your right.

You pretended not to see Eld and Gunther shake their heads slightly.

"Spit it out then," grunted Levi from the front. You caught Eren's humorous glance and had to physically restrain yourself from laughing.

"I'm Oluo Bozado and I'm as elite as they come," he tilted his head your way. You noticed his haircut seemed somehow familiar while you tried to keep your face straight as he continued on. "I've got 39 kills, not even counting assists, so guess you could say I'm only rivaled by the Captain himself."

And the Captain was silent.

The rest of the team looked disgruntled at his words. Only then after a few beats, you realized he expected you to say something.

"Oh. Oh! Wow, that's very impressive."

Petra gave you a glance out of the corner of her eye that said 'don't feed his ego'.

A lazy grin slid across his wide face. "Yeah, that's one word for it."

_Note to self, never start a conversation with this guy._

"Did you run into any trouble on the way here?" questioned Eren with concern written over his features. A subtle way to ask if you were injured.

You were grateful for the subject change and the chance for Oluo to shut up. Petra had warned you about him last night, but you didn't take her seriously after she had bashed Eren the other day.

"Thankfully, no. There were some towards the right-wing, but nothing ever came my way."

"Good," he faced forward once more, "I'm sure you could've taken care of them anyway."

You pulled your hood over your head to cover your warm cheeks.

The terrain had finally flattened out sometime later and your squad finally began to slow down. Several hours of riding were behind you and the summer sun was beginning to take a toll on you. Insects were buzzing loudly in the grass as the blazing rays beat down on everyone. Your cape wasn't helping and you considered taking it off, but no one else had so you decided against it. You didn't want to be labeled as weak, this was your first impression, after all.

"We're nearly there," Levi's voice floated to where you were holding up the rear. "We're making pretty good time as well. Should only be about a half-hour or so now."

Sure enough, twenty minutes or so later, abandoned houses just like the ones that lined Wall Maria's entrance to Karanes began to crop up in the distance. The formation was gradually reforming and dozens of soldiers assembled in large groups on either side of you. Erwin and the others were a bit ahead, you spotted his perfectly groomed blond hair over the sea of riders and your squad had caught up with them since they had slowed to a trot through the rural countryside town.

The bugs were drowned out by the steady clop of hooves and the wind whistling through holes in the walls, disrupting shingles and slamming creaky shutters. One place you passed towards the beginning of the development was completely waterlogged and the contents spilled out into the worn pathway. Chairs had been washed away over time along with silverware and broken pieces of teacups that were once elegant. The rest of the buildings were either completely demolished or were still standing out of pure spite, held by a single beam.

How fitting for a Survey Core base.

You observed as Eren scanned the wreckage with a fierce expression while others looked around in dismay and pity. The contrast of his face compared to theirs was something you took note of. Your comrades took in the scene with sympathy since this had once been a small community's home, but your friend looked as if he wanted revenge. His eyes held a redemptive fire, burning with a promise. One day, he was going to take back everything humanity had lost. Eren would win this war even if he had to do it singlehandedly.

But he wouldn't have to, all around him were brave soldiers giving their hearts to the cause.

Two smaller groups emerged from east and west, making their way through the maze of debris on both sides to meet with the Commander up ahead.

You barely caught their words. "We checked the perimeter, sir. No sight of them at the moment." The superior bowed his head and gave another command. And with that, they scattered back into their respective directions once more.

Hanji had unfurled a map and held it open in front of herself. Every few seconds when you would pass a new dwelling, Moblit would crane his neck to study it and then look out along the street. A few minutes later, his arm reached out and pointed to a small house beside a well. Hanji looked up and back at the parchment with a confirming nod, glasses glinting in the light.

You had reached your destination.

~~

"It smells like shit water."

Your Captain stood before his squad and the other officers with his hands on his hips. Erwin gave a small chuckle beside him. The interior of the house was even smaller once you had entered. Inside the nearly demolished kitchen, Eld had uncovered the passage to the bunker. There was a trapdoor hidden beneath the floorboards and the ladder led you to a surprisingly wide stone passageway where you were now that ended in two large locked doors.

Hanji scratched her head. "Hmm. Well, Zackly didn't provide us with a key or anything and there wasn't one stowed with the records-"

A loud bash startled everybody in the tunnel. Several heads revolved around to see Levi's foot through one of the two doors. He pulled it out with a scowl before rearing his leg back and kicking it through the opposite side without warning. You caught Petra's amused but not surprised glance as he reached through one of the splintered holes. Fingers met cold hard metal and after a few seconds there was a loud click and the door swung open without a problem.

"Alright then," said Erwin with a look of bemusement. He strode forward into the room and everybody else followed.

Smooth stone lined every wall, along with the floor and ceiling. You were suddenly grateful you didn't take off your cloak earlier, now you were wrapping it tighter around yourself since the bunker was significantly cooler from being so far underground. The first room was small and empty and everyone barely managed to fit inside. You were painfully aware of the many layers of dirt overhead held by the sturdy-looking rocky 8-foot ceiling.

You just prayed it wouldn't collapse.

In front of you, there was a crude doorway with a rickety wooden spiral staircase leading further on into the unknown depths and darkness.

Erwin tested the strength of the first stair by carefully leaning forward on a foot, pressing his full weight on the plank. When it held, he nodded and waved the rest of you along.

Down, down, and around you went. You followed Eld's blond head in circles, watching the bun at the nape of his neck bob around until it made you dizzy. A minute passed before you heard Erwin and Levi's boots tromp on something other than the squeaky stairs and you trailed behind the others to what seemed to be the main room. It was a long, large rectangular space with two corridors on either side that branched off into a few rooms here and there. On some of the walls, small trails of black water stained the dark rock.

Everybody split into two groups, each one took a hallway and explored the different rooms. There didn't seem to be a lot of them, however, and you now began to wonder if there were any beds. After peeping through a few doors, you discovered a few various crates and empty shelves were the contents of nearly every room, and the only light provided was from the lanterns a few of you were carrying. Toward the middle of the hall, there were four showers in the bathrooms on either side. One space toward the back held a beat-up desk and dusty bookshelf that looked like it had been there before the walls were even a thing; a makeshift office for those in charge.

You and three others had gone into one of the rooms to check the crates for any supplies. It had been quiet for a while now, with the exception of the scraping of lids against the tops of the boxes.

Suddenly, the hushed atmosphere was interrupted by a high-pitched yelp as Eren leapt back, a look of terror seizing his face. He had brushed a sticky cobweb with his hand and bumped right into an unsuspecting Gunther. His panicked eyes met yours from nearby once he calmed his breathing and his fright turned into anger when he saw your shaking shoulders.

"It's not fucking funny," he seethed and left to join Miche and Hanji in a different room.

Oh, but it was. The man who had once charged the Colossal titan was afraid of spiders? Absolutely laughable.

You were only allowed to say that because you hated them too.

The rest of the soldiers were still above ground somewhere, you could faintly hear movement above your head. Some had the job of stowing the horses in a nearby paddock on the edge of town while others were beginning to unload the wagons that had just arrived. You couldn't help but wonder about your friends, but then you realized someone would have told you if something had happened. Erwin relayed the message from the spotters, saying there had only been three deaths on the journey here, which was an all-time low for the Scouts. The names he mentioned were none you recognized, and as always, you felt ashamed for breathing a sigh of relief. They all had made it here.

But that didn't mean they would make it home.

"Tch," Levi's disapproval echoed off the walls he was dragging a finger along. A thick layer of grime coated his fingertip and his lip curled in disgust. "This shithole is a pigsty."

Once you saw him eyeing a broom in the corner, you knew your earlier hypothesis would be proven correct.

Sure enough, you were all in your cleaning gear scrubbing down every inch of the rooms at the end of the halls three hours later. Everybody else had come down awhile ago and were now tasked with making the entire bunker shine from top to bottom. Now you weren't sure how the Captain expected you to make stone sparkle, but you knew there'd be consequences so you had to make it happen somehow.

Petra, Oluo, Eld, Gunther, and Eren were in the room with you. Everyone was on their hands and knees, wiping and washing every inch of the square room. Someone had hung a lantern from the ceiling and it swung to and fro, casting glowing stripes of light across the dim threshold. Your hands were raw from the sponge you were using to scrub back and forth over the dirt that had accumulated after years of neglect. Tempers were running high from lack of sleep and breathing in the dank air, so it didn't help when Eren accidentally kicked over a bucket of water and it spilled all across the floor and over Oluo's pants.

He gave a quick apology and went to pick up the tipped bucket but was intercepted by a raging Oluo.

"Hey! Look what you've done, kid!" he snarled and grabbed an alarmed Eren by the collar. Alarm switched to fury as he wrenched the hand from his shirt and threw it aside.

"Don't grab me like that, you're gonna rip my shirt!"

Oluo's flushed face contorted at his words and Eld stood from his place on the floor to try and keep the peace. "You two, calm down."

Neither of them heard a word he said and Oluo's fist connected with Eren's gut. He folded in half with a heave and stepped back, choosing not to fight for once in his life. He knew it would only lead to serious trouble but the other man closed in on him with his tightly clenched fist raised in the air once more. He swung as Eren was still recovering from the previous blow, a cheap shot.

"You little-"

Right before impact, you rose and caught his wrist inches from Eren's pointed nose. The others were on their feet in an instant, braced for a fight but you held out a hand telling them to back down while you gripped Oluo's forearm forcefully with the other. They all stood in a threatening manner, eyeing you with uneasy and mistrusting expressions. The tension in the room was heavy and everyone was rigid with uncertain suspense.

Even Petra was two seconds away from tackling you to the ground.

The change in atmosphere astonished you.

Oluo's head snapped to you with a glare filled with newfound hatred.

"Get off me you little bitch, or you're next!"

"Don't you fucking dare-" interjected Eren, voice rough from agitation.

"There's no need for this. He said he's sorry," you cut him off and told Oluo in an even tone, "It was an accident, he wouldn't do it on purpose." Turning your head to Eren, he followed your gaze. Eren's head was lowered and green eyes looked fixedly into your own under dark brows with a look of defiance.

You let go of Oluo's wrist and he let it fall limply to his side, so you grabbed Eren's instead.

"We'll go to another room so we can all work in peace," you dipped your head in a show of respect and exited the room with your cleaning gear. Thankfully, Eren followed without retaliation and walked along a step behind, slipping his palm up to take your own sudsy hand in his.

"Tch. Those brats are gonna pay," Oluo's threat followed you out the door.

You chose to ignore him and tightened your grip on Eren's hand once you felt his fingers twitch menacingly. He had nearly stopped in his tracks and was glowering over his shoulder, so you gave an extra sharp tug and led him even further on down the dark corridor.

"C'mon, you. We don't need anyone injured out here."

He tread close behind silently, thinking about all the ways he'd hurt Oluo if he called you names again.

The empty room at the very end had a lantern as well, so you decided it was good enough. Entering and dropping your bucket, you let out a short huff and let your body slouch to the ground.

"It wasn't my fault, I didn't do anything!" he exploded the moment you settled onto the chilly stone, pacing alongside the wall.

Bringing a hand up to your face, you rubbed your temple tiredly. "I know you didn't."

"I- what?" he paused and glanced over at you. He was going to continue defending himself, he had a whole speech worked out already. But your answer caught him off guard since he believed you were upset with him.

"You didn't mean to," you shrugged, "Oluo was the one who took it there. You didn't even fight back which was good, so of course it wasn't your fault.

Darkness crossed his features. "I wanted to."

You couldn't help but laugh and he shot you a look. "I know you wanted to, why else do you think I jumped in, dipshit? We're all low on sleep so something was bound to happen, anyway. It was only a matter of time."

His tense shoulders relaxed a bit and a small sliver of yellow light illuminated half of his face. His clenched jaw and severe eyes suddenly made you nervous, but not for your safety. You looked away as to not be tempted to say or do anything stupid.

"Let's get back to work," you murmured, "I don't feel like having Levi kick my ass, I saw what happened to the door."

The next hour passed in such silence that you would've thought you were by yourself, but Eren's presence filled the entirety of the small room. You could feel his viridescent stare on the back of your head, but whenever you turned, he was deeply focused on mopping the filthy floor. Being alone with him made it twice as hard to concentrate on the task at hand. You were hyperaware of everything, from the too-tight strap around your thigh to the squeaking of your boots anytime you moved an inch.

Among your list of distractions, something kept bothering you while you cleaned on your hands and knees between every crack in the ancient stone. Petra's reaction kept replaying in your head. As you held Oluo's arm, she looked almost... afraid? Sure, that would naturally be expected of the others since they didn't know you or even Eren that well and were supposed to be guarding him, but Petra? She had been your roommate for years and you simply figured you had earned her complete trust. You also caught her apprehension from the corner of your eye when you left to be alone with Eren.

Did she think the two of you were conspiring against them? Was it naive of you to think you had gained her faith?

You felt yourself frowning as you scrubbed a corner of the room, foamy suds splashing across your red stinging palms. It was obvious from talking to her in the past that she had a bias against him to some extent, but all you had been trying to do was defend your friend. Just because Oluo was higher up in the ranks and was older than you both didn't mean he had the right to needlessly beat someone up. That was unwarranted and it frustrated you more than it should.

But you couldn't deny Petra's distrust hurt your feelings.

Water sloshed onto the floor and Eren leaned the mop against the wall with a sigh. A moment later, you heard his heavy footsteps approaching from behind. Every noise in the dim room was amplified by the walls that boxed you in at every angle. You threw a glance over your shoulder and saw him stalk nearer so you stood with a stretch.

"It's getting late, I wonder when we'll be finally be allowed to stop," his arms were crossed over his chest and he looked down at you from under his nose.

He was close.

"Yeah, I wonder too," you took a pace back without meaning to, "can't even tell if it's dark out there yet since we're way down here."

"Mmhm."

Then, he took a large step forward. Out of nervousness, you automatically moved backward blindly again, but he matched your every step with one of his own and advanced quickly. The sound of his boots echoed ominously as he closed the distance between you. Your back suddenly collided with the wall with a thump and you gave a cry of surprise. Pressing your hands to it, you raised your eyes to see Eren's face mere inches from yours, neck tilted mockingly to the side. He was nearly on top of you. His looming figure cast a shadow over your smaller form and his palms hit the wall on either side of your head.

You were completely trapped.

"Now that we're alone..."

White teeth flashed in the dark corner and his intense green eyes were filled with something you couldn't decipher. The lantern was flickering overhead and the eerie glow sharpened his features while the rest of his face was hidden away in the murk. Your heart hammering against your ribcage was the only thing keeping you grounded as he took a hand away from the wall and forcibly grabbed your chin.

"You left me all alone at the bar that night..." his husky made warmth pool in your abdomen.

Oh, how he had been waiting to get you by yourself ever since that moment.

Your mouth had opened but words were failing you. Your mind was spinning and you felt lightheaded when his thumb stroked teasingly along your jawline while he still angled your face to his. Breath hitching and lashes fluttering, you leaned up ever so slightly without realizing it, but he moved back a fraction of an inch, irritatingly eluding your desires.

"Not so fast," his whisper brushed across your parted lips.

Somehow, you managed to keep your hands on the wall instead of reaching for places you so desperately wanted to touch.

"Do you know what you did to me?" his voice lilted in a taunt. Testing you. He jerked your chin closer once more to his cruel smirk. This was a game to him.

Eren hovered over you, close enough to sense but never close enough to feel. His lips were centimeters away and they tempted you so badly, it wouldn't take much to break away and crash into them but you found you couldn't move. And he knew it. He didn't even have to physically restrain you. You were frozen in place, held captive by his hungry eyes that looked as if they were in a trance.

You whimpered. "Eren-"

"Hey you two..." the voice from the entrance trailed off.

The interruption made you jump as if you had been caught doing something worse and you wrapped your arms around yourself protectively. Eren was the opposite, he didn't seem to care that somebody was watching as he harshly released his hold on your face and dropped his hand from the wall, turning with an annoyed expression to see who had dared to disrupt his moment.

He swore internally. In his haste to get to you, he had forgotten to close the door.

Petra stood in the archway looking torn between wariness and confusion. "Umm... The Captain told me to find you guys, we're done cleaning for today and it's time to eat."

You grabbed a nearby cloth from the floor, acting as if you were going to put it away. With a fake cheery tone to ease the tension rising again, you chirped. "Oh! Okay, we were just trying to get this really tough stain out of the wall. We'll get it tomorrow then."

You hoped the lack of light of the room had helped conceal what had really been going down.

Thankfully, it seemed the darkness did in fact cover you since the doubt on Petra's face cleared. "Ah, I see. Better hurry though, Levi's not in too good of a mood."

She turned on her heel and began down the hallway a little too quickly. You hastily compiled your gear together before following her out with Eren at your heels. You kept your distance from her since she was acting so strangely and you were afraid to spook her. Besides, you were too distracted to talk to her right now anyway. The drumming in your chest was still as loud as ever and you hoped it wouldn't give you away. And you didn't dare look back at the brown-haired boy shadowing you down the corridor, you couldn't meet his eyes just yet.

_Did that seriously almost just happen?_


End file.
